学术论文要如何写-系列二

本文将节录不同学术议题的内容，分析常见的写作错误，并分享润色修改与写作的技巧，希望可以帮到大家。这篇例文写的是关于天文郊游的，然而阅读起来就像是一篇草稿，而非完成作品，而且这里列举的都是一些有缺陷的写作例子。

Not all articles written on academic topics are written in proper academic English. This column examines short excerpts from academic texts to illustrate common writing errors and to explain how to correct them.

Unacceptable 不被认可的文章

“Setting up an observation post, the group of young scientists prepared to study the planet Saturn as it dramatically rose in the night's sky. The person chosen to lead the group went out and carefully selected the night's observation platform, which was a gently sloping cleared area in the Rocky Mountains in the vast interior of the United States. The scientists were extremely hopeful of capturing some crystal-clear shots of Saturn because the April sky was cloud-free and the clearing far enough from municipal lighting to escape its ugly glare. The last telescope had been set up and focused when someone shouted: “Oh, no! A cloud bank!”

This prelude to a report of an astronomy outing is appealing in its detail and drama. However, the writer lapsed into cliché and the writing falls well short of being smooth. It reads, in fact, like a draft rather than a final version of a paper. Scientists who study the stars and planets are astronomers, for example, yet they are never called such in this passage. The group has assembled to study “the planet Saturn,” which is wordy: “Saturn” says it all. That the planet “dramatically rose” is subjective and hackneyed phrasing and that it did so in “the night's sky” is tongue-twisting; “nighttime sky” reads more comfortably. These are examples of marred writing.

在细节和戏剧性方面，作者拉开一趟天文郊游序幕的写作手法相当吸引人。然而，作者的失败之处在于过度陈腔滥调以及写作内容过短。事实上，阅读起来就像是一篇草稿，而非完成作品。举例而言，一般研究星星以及星球的科学家称为天文学家，但这些专家在文章段落中却不是这么称呼的。小组被指派研究的「土星星球」显得太过累赘。直接写「土星」即可。这句「星球戏剧性地升起」主观且陈腔滥调，尤其后面接着写「夜晚的星空」，念起来相当拗口。 「夜空」应该较为恰当。这里列举的都是一些有缺陷的写作例子。

Acceptable 认可的文章

“Setting up an observation post, the young astronomers prepared to study Saturn as it ascended in the nighttime sky. The designated field trip leader had carefully selected the observation platform—a gently sloped clearing in Colorado's Rocky Mountains in the western United States. The scientists hoped to capture sharply defined photographs of Saturn because the April sky was crystalline and the mountain slope sufficiently distant from municipal lighting. The last telescope had been set up and calibrated when a cry went up: “Oh, no! A cloud bank!”