Who_Am_I_as_a_Counsellor_Now_

Who am I as a counsellor now' What has changed since the start of the course and how have these changes affected my relationship with self and others' In the following essay I plan to look into who I am as a counsellor now, I also plan to discuss what has changed since the start of the course and how these changes affected my relationship with self and others. I will explain how I believe these changes have occurred and relate some of them to theory. Throughout the essay I will explain Carl Rogers stages of process, as I believe this is important in understanding personal growth. I will also discuss where I see myself working in the future and the reasons for this. Through the essay I will refer to personal development as well as personal growth, Irving & Williams (1999 pg 520) clarify the difference as ‘personal development work can involve loss as well as gain; it may succeed in its objectives or it may fail. But the growth label is only given to positive outcomes’, I understand that growth tends to refer to growing into a certain kind of person whereas development means to develop a specific skill or quality. Finally I will conclude my findings at the end of the essay. Carl Rogers (1961) suggested that there are seven stages of process to work through to develop personally. This is not to say that a client will work through all seven stages, some may begin at stage two or three and while most will progress, not all will reach stage seven. That being said those that only progress two stages will still develop. Rogers is also clear in stating ‘that a person is never wholly at one stage or another stage of the process’. (1961 pg 139) but often moving between stages. He suggested that at the first stage ‘the individual in this stage of fixity and remoteness is not likely to come voluntarily to therapy’ (1961, pg 132) I understand that those at the first stage are not likely to disclose anything about themselves or their feelings. 1 I believe my personal development journey began at the very beginning of the counselling course. Whilst having dinner on the second evening of the residential weekend, the topic of astrology arose. A fellow colleague began to show an interest in the subject as did I, as the table started to discuss the subject another colleague interrupted ‘shut up….it’s a load of shit’. The table fell silent in shock. Always trying to rescue an awkward moment I responded about five to six seconds later with ‘ well at least we had a laugh’ to which the same colleague replied ‘ we were laughing at you not with you’. I remember feeling belittled and embarrassed and wanted to find safety, so left. All of the journey home I replayed the events of the evening over and over, and with each time I replayed them the feelings were heightened. I remember feeling incredibly low by the time I got home and felt I’d had a piece of me taken out, ripped up and put back in. Whilst I had been grappling with these feeling little did I know my voyage had already begun. I believe that at this point of the course I was perhaps between stages two and three. Rogers (1961, pg133), describes stage two as ‘a slight loosening and flowing of symbolic expression’. An example of stage two from Carl Rogers own experience with a client is ‘Disorganization keeps cropping up in my life’ (1961, pg133). I believe at this stage a person is very likely to blame others and will find it hard to take responsibility for themselves At the third stage the feelings are acknowledged, however, Rogers writes ‘for the most part feelings are revealed as something shameful, bad or abnormal….experiencing is described as in the past, or as somewhat removed from self‘ (1961 pg136) . I believe at this stage the individual will talk about themselves, but will still find it hard to talk about their feelings and experiences in the present. 2 It took many months to resolve the issue with the colleague. As I harboured a lot of pain from the incident the emotions grew out of control and I’m ashamed to say I thought she was ‘spoiling the course’, whereas in fact I was the only person spoiling it for myself. I began to feel more and more colleagues were getting involved, until one personal development session a tutor brought her own feelings to everyone’s attention - that she sensed some awkward energy. This was it, my chance to share how I felt. I had gone over it so many times, I almost did not know where to begin, but I started non the less. I told the group all my feelings which was very emotional. I was completely honest. I did not care about the facts, I just released the pent up emotions of the past few months. Like a shaken bottle of coke I sprayed everyone with my feelings. If I am completely honest I came out of that session feeling worse than I went in. I felt as if someone had sucked the energy from me, and I was left drained. However in the weeks that followed I began to notice small changes in my feelings, for example, when she used to talk I could feel myself filling with anxiety, to this day I do not fully understand why I felt anxious, it may be the fact I was intimidated by her. But now she could talk and it did not trouble me - further more I could talk back and even laugh with her. I could finally accept that was her and sometimes she said what she thought without thinking about the effects, which I can whole heartedly relate to as I too sometimes say what I’m thinking without thinking of the consequences. Looking back I believe I probably had one of my biggest learning experiences of the course during that personal development session, even if I did not realise it at the time. I feel fortunate that there are some truly congruent and non judgemental people in our group, however I am now much more aware of group interactions and how judgments can be made in group, even when the group is supposed to be non-judgmental. 3 McLeod (1993, pg 626) raises an interesting question in group therapy with ‘do groups that become highly supportive and cohesive contribute more to counsellor learning than groups that are fragmented and tense’ There has been no research to suggest that either environment is better for personal development. However looking back I personally believe I have grown more from the tense sessions even though they felt negative at the time. I now try to be slightly risky when talking about my feelings in group, and talk about how I feel in the present. I believe I now take much more from group than I originally did I feel that because of this I am already much more accepting of other people than I was before I started the course and understand that my personal perceptions of people do not always correlate to the person that they actually are. I believe this has helped enormously to who I am as a counsellor now. After this incident I feel my awareness of other peoples perceptions of me awoke from a long hibernation, as for the last few years I had surrounded myself with people I felt safe with and accepted me for being me. Before this I had never pushed myself academically as I found other ways to survive. One way to survive was to live up to people’s perceptions that I was not academic. However recently I had begun to think I had come to a stage in my life where I was content and may be accepted for who I am. and when my essay marks improved I was ecstatic. My self esteem grew and I really started to believe in myself. This was short lived when my past came back to haunt me, and a peer assumed I had got a lower mark than I had actually got. I felt I’d been climbing a huge mountain and I was just getting somewhere and someone had pushed me back down. My self esteem has gone down and I feel I am going through a stage of self doubt. I am optimistic that it is, however, a stage and I’m working on ways to move forward. 4 That being said my initial fear of being less academic has grown to encompass many things that have never troubled me before, such as my voice, accent, appearance and style (which I have always been proud of) in the hope that people would not perceive me as not academically capable but as me. Throughout the course I have begun to feel that some of the above aspects of myself are at times not welcomed and sometimes feel beneath other members of the group, I am aware, however that these are my insecurities. Since this incident I have become more aware than ever of other people’s rapid judgements and the fact that I cannot control this. Having these particular feelings unnerves me somewhat, as I believe the person-centred view point promotes the exact opposite in congruence with Rogers (1973 pg 186) writing ‘I believe it is the realness of the therapist in the relationship which is the most important element’. Due to these feelings I believe I would be more confident in working with younger people as I feel younger people will judge me less am less on my academic capabilities. I am also interested in working with younger people as I believe some of my own personal issues occurred around the time of adolescents, and at times struggled to deal with these. Other than the personal development group I have also started personal therapy as well as keeping a personal journal as forms of personal therapy, which I have whole heartedly thrown myself into. The three forms of therapy were all new to me and I had no past experiences to prepare me for the voyage that lay ahead. However once I had found the right counsellor for my personal therapy I have to admit I became fascinated and slightly addicted to my counselling sessions. I believe I felt this way because the realisations were instant and I was finding out about myself at such a fast pace. I loved every second, 5 even the darker sessions which were high on emotive fuel, as I knew I was learning more and more about myself. I never wanted the sessions to end and like a drug I would wait all week in anticipation, craving my next hit. I am aware that many clients don’t feel this way about therapy but I believe if a client and counsellor have the right connection then development will occur naturally. It is whilst having personal therapy, I believe I developed onto and passed Rogers (1961) forth stage which he describes as ‘a gradual loosening of constructs, a freer flow of feelings’ (1961 pg 137) I believe that around this stage feelings from the present may begin to emerge. Rogers goes onto describe the fifth stage as ‘feelings are close to being fully experienced’(1961 pg 140). An interesting view on personal therapy from Saunders, Frankland and Wilkins (2009 pg119) states ‘advocates of an extreme position assert that personal therapy and/or group therapy followed by supervision is all that is required to prepare therapists for ‘active service’’. Although I agree that personal therapy is a vitally important part of counsellor training I also believe that a degree of learning should develop through theory. As at times I have found that the theory has clarified a feeling I may have been experiencing. Therefore I agree to Irving and Williams (1999) ‘the aim of therapy is then to create a growth-producing climate’ (pg520) The third form of therapy I embraced was journal keeping Saunders, Frankland and Wilkins (2009 pg 343) defines ‘a personal development journal or log is kept in order to monitor and provide a record of your growth, change and areas of tension or difficulty you encounter. It wasn’t until I looked back through my journal I became aware that around 90% was negative. I was shocked by the enormity of some of my feelings and what I had written. I have thought long and hard 6 about why I only tend to write in my journal when I’m feeling low and still have no clear answers other than the fact I’m very busy and when things are going well I am too busy living in the moment. However when I’m feeling low I have found it a very good way to relieve some tension. Presently I believe I am approaching Rogers (1961) sixth stage of process, Carl Rogers states at this stage ‘a present feeling is directly experienced with immediacy and richness’ (1961 pg 145)and that feelings flow to their full result (1961). I understand that at this stage clients are much more accepting of self, Others and also situations. Rogers writes after realising the client accepting ‘this is something which is, not something to be denied, feared, struggled against’ (1961 pg 146). Rogers (1961) believes that by stage six the tendency is ‘irreversible’ and that stage seven will usually occur without the help of a counsellor. Roger goes on to state ‘ there is a growing and continuing sense of acceptant ownership of these changing feelings, a basic trust in his own process (1961 pg 151). I understand that at this stage there should be a development in the quality of life for the client. Conclusion In conclusion I now believe I have already gone through an incredible transformation to becoming a counsellor but still feel it is only the beginning. I feel these changes have already affected my relationship with self by making me more self aware and with others by making me more accepting and congruent. I Feel I am in an ocean of development and like a discarded bottle I move backwards as well as forwards, at times I’m in a state of calm and at other times I feel I’m in a dark storm being tossed around, this process does not always feel positive but I’m always moving and have never felt more alive Books Rogers, C. R. (1961) On becoming a person. London Karter, J. (2002) On training to be a therapist. Buckingham Mearns, D. (1994) Developing person centred counselling. London McLeod, J (1993) An introduction to counselling. Berkshire Saunders, P, Frankland, A and Wilkins P. (2009) Next steps in counselling practice. Ross-On-Wye Mearns, D and Thorne, B. (2007) Person centred counselling in action 3rd edition. London Merry, T. (2002) Learning and being in person centred counselling 2nd edition. Ross-On-Wye Journal Irving, J. A and Williams, D. I (1999) personal growth and personal development: concepts clarified. The british journal of guidance and counselling 27 (4) 8