The_Dark_Cloud

“Ahhhh!” I screamed as the searing pain striked, it felt so good as I slit the penknife across the flesh on my arm. At least it temporarily numbed the pain I felt inside emotionally. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I see this dark cloud rise above me. What have I done' How do I get that thing, that feeling to go away' Will I ever be happy again' But how did this start' Maybe one morning I woke up, and felt something punching my heart. Oh God, where did I go wrong' What on earth did I do to deserve this' At times like these, I wonder if God is actually there. Why would he create such sadness' Most of all, why me' It’s like I will never be good enough. Never deserve to be happy. Maybe I’m missing something, but I just don’t know what. As I get up, my protruding bones aching from sitting on hard wooden floor, I looked in the mirror. I looked like death. Dark circles under my eyes, hair falling out, emaciated to the bones. People use to say I was beautiful. Maybe I was, I never saw it. Within the darkness in my mind, came this entity, I named it Anna. Anna told me not to eat, that I am a failure for eating. I was hoping that if I stripped myself of everything, flesh and bones, maybe the darkness will be stripped out too. But it never went away, even as I stripped myself of every piece of flesh on my body. When people look at me, they genuinely think that I have some sort of terminal disease. Well maybe I do. It’s called depression. It is terminal in a way. As I search my mind, I try to reminisce on the good times I had. But as I search my mind thoroughly, I find nothing, just a pool of darkness. Was there ever a time where I went out and hung out with friends like a regular teenager' I guess not. My mind has barely seen the light of day as it only sees darkness. I pass my time by taking long walks alone hoping to find light or exercising myself silly just to feel that physical pain that numbs the pain inside. At times I wonder what will become of me. Will I ever succumb to my feelings and finally take my own life' Or will I listen to that incredibly faint voice in my head that tells me to endure it. Endure life, even if it may seem like hell. If there is light at the end of this tunnel, God please take me there. If you are really there, please take me. Any place is better than this. One time I stole my dad’s gun and was about to pull the trigger. That’s when a loud and very real voice in my head yelled out, “Put the gun down now and walk away”. That hallucination triggered me. At that moment I was convinced that God is real. However, I cant find Him anymore. Why did God put me here' Definitely not for this. It is too horrible for anyone to imagine. Then I ponder on the things God did give me. He gave me two legs, two arms with five fingers on each hand. I can see, I can hear, I can move without a problem and can breathe without the aid of machines. For that, I am thankful. With that, I will find the courage to go on and find my purpose in life. If I can survive this, I can survive anything. God knows I have the strength to go through this therefore He put me through this test.