Self_Esteem

What is self-esteem' Self-esteem is a very important aspect of our personality. It helps us to achieve our identity and to adapt to society. In other words, the degree in which individuals have positive or negative feelings about themselves and the degree in which individuals value themselves. Here are a series of definitions that define self-esteem: The capacity that a person has to value themselves, love themselves, appreciate themselves and accept themselves. A person’s attitude towards themselves. The way a person evaluates themselves: “I know only one definition of happiness: be a good friend to yourself” (p.solignac). The love that every individual has for themselves Self-esteem is related to many types of behaviour. People with high self-esteem usually have fewer aggressive and negative emotions – they suffer less from depression as compared to those with low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem can handle stress better and when they undergo stress they experience fewer negative health effects. The most important period in the development of self-esteem is during childhood. A child compares himself to how he would like to be and he judges himself until he reaches his idol. The opinions children have about themselves have a great impact on the development of their personality, especially in their frame of mind. It is important to study self-esteem and see how a person achieves high self-esteem. Self-esteem is the concept that we have of our worth and it is based on our thoughts, feelings, sensations and experiences that we have been collecting throughout live; we believe that we are clever or silly, people like us or not. The thousands of impressions, evaluations and experiences are all reunited into a positive feeling towards ourselves or on the contrary, in an uncomfortable feeling of not being what we expected to be. Types of self-esteem People can develop the following types of self-esteem. High self-esteem (Normal): The person loves themselves and accepts who they are. Low self-esteem: The person doesn’t love themselves, doesn’t accept who they are and doesn’t value their qualities. Inflated self-esteem: The person loves themselves more than others and they exaggerate their qualities. Characteristics of people with high self-esteem They know what they can do well and they know how they can improve. They feel happy with themselves. They express their opinion. They are not afraid to talk to other people. They know how to identify and express their emotions to other people. They participate in activities that are carried out at their school or work. They value themselves in everyday situations. They give and ask for support. They like tasks and don’t fear them. They consider others, they like to help and they are willing to collaborate with other people. They are creative and original. They invent things. They are interested in carrying out unknown tasks, and they learn new activities quickly. They fight to reach what they want. They enjoy the fun things in life, not only in their own lives but in others as well. They like to carry out new activities. They are organized in their activities. They ask when they don’t know something. They defend their position in front of others. They recognize when they make a mistake. They don’t get annoyed when people mention their qualities, but they don’t like to be insulted. They know their qualities and try to improve their defects. They are responsible for their actions. They are natural leaders. People with low self-esteem Characteristics of people with low self-esteem They are indecisive, they find it difficult to make decisions, and they are scared of making a mistake. They only make decisions when they are 100% certain that they will achieve a good result. They think they can’t do new things, that they don’t know anything. They don’t value their talents. They look at their small talents and they see other people’s talents as being better. They are afraid of new things and they avoid taking risks. They are very anxious and nervous, which makes them avoid situations which produce anguish and fear. They are very passive, they avoid taking initiative. They are isolated and hardly have any friends. They don’t like to compete with others. They avoid participating in activities which take place at their school or work. They fear speaking to other people. They depend a lot on other people to carry out tasks or carry out any type of activity. They give up instead of trying. They are not satisfied with themselves, they think they don’t do anything well. They don’t know their emotions; therefore they can not express them. As they don’t value themselves, they find it hard to accept criticism. They find it difficult to recognize their mistakes. They retain feelings of guilt when something goes wrong. When there are negative results they look at others to blame. They believe they are the ugly ones. They think they are ignorant. They are pleased other people make mistakes. They don’t worry about their health. They are pessimistic; they believe everything is going to have a negative outcome. They look for leaders to do things. They think they are not very interesting. They believe they cause a bad impression. They find it difficult to reach their goals. They feel like they don’t control their lives. Inflated self-esteem Characteristics of people with inflated self-esteem If we bear in mind the basic elements of Freud, we can guess the characteristics of a person with inflated self-esteem. They believe they can do everything; there is nobody better than themselves. They believe they are always right and that they never make any mistakes. They are excessively confident of themselves; as a result they don’t see the risks of their actions. They believe everyone loves them. They speak out of turn and are scandalous. They don’t consider anyone when they carry out their tasks or carryout any type of activity. In general, people reject them for knowing everything. They love themselves. They are vain, but in an extreme way they are “narcissistic”. Narciso was a beautiful young boy who used to go everyday to the lake to look at his beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that one day he fell into the lake and drowned. Where he drowned a flower was born which people called a Narciso (daffodil). They feel attractive (not necessarily in a physical aspect). They believe they are the most interesting people in the world. They are very sure of themselves. They believe they are natural winners. They believe they have the best bodies. They believe they have an impact on everyone they meet. They like people to praise them. They believe everyone is obliged to love them. They believe they are their best friends. They think they never make mistakes, but they attack others when they make a mistake. They are usually always friendly to people: they accept people without judging them. They fell happy and completely happy on their own. They are constantly worrying about their health. They are extremely optimistic. They believe they deserve more than others. They want to have the best clothes, perfume and material objects. They are self-worshipping. Creating self-esteem According to “Campos y Muños” (1992) we can see how self-esteem is created from the following elements: Elements of high self-esteem As children they: Were treated with love. Were given security. Had firm behavioural rules (not violent). Were taught how to respect others. Were taught how to dream. Were shown they could achieve everything they wanted. Were looked after health wise in a normal way. Were shown how to be independent. There are elements that help to improve self-esteem. Sense of pertinence: we need to feel like we are part of something. We are part of a family, a community, in which people love us and respect us. We are respected with out costumes, history, language, etc. Feel that we are loved by: family – they love us and look after us, if this is not the case we look for a substitute family; friends that we can share momentous occasions with; neighbours, that respect us. Be recognized for our qualities, capacities, skills, advantages, etc. Creating low self-esteem Self-esteem develops daily throughout the first couple of years of life. Some factors that produce low self-esteem are: Conditional love for children: “If you don’t get good marks in your exams, I’m not going to love you”. Constantly saying “No”: Don’t do this, don’t be late, etc. Inconsistent behavioural rules: Dad gives one order and mum gives a different one. Dad doesn’t give permission, but Mum does. Being told off by someone who is extremely angry, using swear words…. Parents showing indifference, they don’t know when their son is ill, if he eats, where he is….. Rigid family rules: whoever comes home after 12 won’t have breakfast at home! Important loss during childhood: mother, father or other member of family. Physical or sexual abuse: hit, rape….. Alcoholic mother or father or parents that are drug addicts. Over protecting parents. Parents that always give in. Communicating different ideas: a double standard message: one person says one thing and then acts differently to what he said. Example: a father tells his child not to lie and then he lies. Highly stressful situations or post traumatic stress can cause low self-esteem. Elements of inflated self-esteem As a child he: Was treated with suffocating love. Did not have any behavioural rules applied to him. Was taught that his opinion was far superior than others. Was taught that he would achieve everything that was proposed. Was taught that he could get anything he wanted and that he could use others to do this. Was taught that he was the best looking. Was taught that he was the most intelligent person. Was taught how to be extremely self-sufficient. Was taught that the best looking people are those that achieve the best things and that those that have a good body get a better partner. In extreme circumstances, you can see a child develop a vain narcissist personality. In the example of a female, she wants to be thin because she believes the perfect women is thin, sometimes she will suffer anorexia, feeling that she is fat and thus stops eating or sometimes she may even bulimia – she eats and then vomits. All carried out in order to stay slim. On the other hand, men become obsessed with their physical appearance. Elements linked to self-esteem According to the author Mauro Rodriguez, the components of self-esteem are diverse. Therefore, he breaks them down into three stages which are: - Self concept - Self respect - Self knowledge Knowing each of the self-esteem components allows us, without a doubt, to understand their development and recognize the importance of them in our everyday life. Given that self-esteem affects our human behaviour and receives determined influences from childhood until the last moment of our life: it is essential to identify their components so we can elaborate strategies which make us strengthen and maintain them in a high state. Doing this we are looking to approach the nucleus of self-esteem and its transcending influence in our personal development; from the identification of its components, with the main aim to start understanding it - which up until today has been unknown Self-concept Self-concept is the opinion or impression that the people have of themselves. It is their “identity” which develops throughout the years. Self-concept is a mixture of cognitive perceptions and attitudes that people have about themselves. The self-concept is multidimensional and every one of its dimensions explains different roles. A person can be classified as a husband or wife, as a professional, as a leader, as a parent and friend, etc; these different aspects describe the total personality. The individuals can have different self-concepts, that change from time to time, which can or can’t be precise portraits of themselves. The self-concepts are constantly elaborated, depending on the circumstance and of the confronted relationships by the individual. Findings have revealed that the differentiation in oneself increases with age. The contradictions and internal conflicts are less at the start of adolescence, then they reach a maximum point during the middle of adolescence and then they begin to decline. During the middle of adolescence, youths develop the capacity to compare, but not to resolve contradictory attributes. At the end of adolescence, the youth gains the capacity to co-ordinate, resolve and stabilize contradictory attributes and the youth reduces the experience of conflict over the type of person that he really wants to be. A few years ago (1950), it was claimed that a person’s personality has certain stability, but that it never remains exactly the same, it is always in a process of change, being constantly revised. Allport, used the term “propium” which is defined as: all the aspects of the personality that compose the internal unity. This refers to a person’s identity which develops with the passing of time. Ruth Strang (1957) identified four basic dimensions First – A general self-concept, which consists of the global perception that a teenager has of his capacity and status and of the roles in the external world. Second – Temporary and changing self-concepts, influenced by current experiences; for example, the critical commentary from a teacher, can produce a temporary feeling of handicap. Third – Adolescents are social beings in their relationships with others. As a teenager would say, “I like the way in which people respond to me, it makes me feel good”. Some teenagers think about themselves only in a negative light because they believe that pleases others. An important influence on self-concept, is the way teenagers feel in social groups. Fourth – teenagers would like to be their idealized image. These projected images can be realistic or not; they can imagine being what they will never be able to achieve, and this can drive them to frustration and disappointment. On other occasions teenagers project an idealized image and then they try to convert into this person. Those that enjoy a better emotional health, are usually those who will achieve their idealized image or are those that can accept themselves for who they are. The self-concept is formed onvarious levels: Cognitive level – intellectual: it constitutes the ideas, opinions, beliefs, perceptions and the processing of exterior information. We base our self-concept on past experiences and beliefs. Emotional level: this is the judge of our values (our personal qualities). This implies a pleasant or unpleasant feeling that we see in ourselves. Behavioural level: this is the decision to act, to practice a consistent behaviour. The factors that determine the self-concept are the following: Attitude or motivation: is the tendency to react strongly to a situation after positively or negatively evaluating it. It is the cause that encourages us to act, therefore, it is important to consider the reasons of our actions, so that we don’t get simply carried away with inertia or anxiety. The body scheme: it supposes the idea that we have feelings and stimulus’s. This image is related and influenced by our social relationships, fashion, complexes or feelings towards our selves. The aptitudes: they are the capacities that a person has to carry out something adequately (intelligence, reasoning, skills, etc). External valuation: this is the consideration or appreciation that other people have on us. They are the social reinforcements, flattery, physical contact, gestures, social acknowledgement, etc. Precise self-esteem Self-esteem is one of the most relevant factors in a person’s well being and it is the key to maintaining relationships with people in certain environments. If we tend to overvalue the difficulties or defects without valuing the possibilities, the overall situation (our perception) this can make us feel unsatisfied. If this wave or thought is generalized, we will act with fear and it is likely that these mistakes will happen again in the future. We can also have distorted thoughts, if what we have is an exaggerated feeling of self-esteem, this can create problems, which will mean we will not be able to solve the problems adequately. In our society people ask us to be perfect, the best! The ideal situation is to feel that a part of us is marvellous, the part that refers to our capacities. We are good at certain things, we have qualities that we use, we have achieved things, etc. The other part of us stores out limits. If we are sometimes hateful, get angry, we are weak or afraid, we don’t know what to do, we make a mistake. We try to hide our limits, as we are embarrassed of them. We pay so much attention to our defects that we make them present and worsen matters by not accepting them, changing them or coming out of certain situations. All of this energy demands us to develop our capacities and overcome them. We need to accept ourselves as we are with limits and abilities. Love ourselves without conditions. Only when we accept this will we feel an increase in our self-esteem. We need to expect the best of ourselves. Self Respect Respecting yourself is essential if you wish to live in harmony with yourself and with others. We constantly complain about others not respecting us, when we don’t respect ourselves. Dov Peterz claims that self-esteem is a silent respect for oneself. Whereas according to Mauro Rodriguez respect for oneself is displayed in the following forms: 1. Attending and satisfying your own needs and values. 2. Expressing and managing and forming feelings and emotions without harming or blaming anyone. 3. Looking for and valuing everything that makes one feel proud of themselves. Generally when someone starts disrespecting someone it is usually because they don’t respect themselves. In this case the individual should start looking at why he is acting in this way. Maslow claims “We can only respect, give and love others when we have respected, given and loved ourselves”. Without a doubt deep human relationships are established on respect and self-esteem strengthens when we learn to respect ourselves. Self Knowledge Know yourself – this is the best advice that has been around for centuries. Therefore, you can only love what you know; if you don’t know yourself very well, it is difficult to love yourself. Some questions which people find difficult to answer are: who are I' Why do I react like this' What made me feel like that' Etc. If we can’t answer these questions, we don’t know ourselves well enough. It is said that when we learn everything about ourselves, then we can live; we can not live with something or with someone we don’t know; nor can we apply capacities, resources or unknown skills. Knowing ourselves not only positively affects our self-esteem but it also affects our relationship with others, also our understanding of the world, the universe. A contemporary physician claimed: “we have carried out enough tests that indicate that the key to understanding the universe is you”. Reaching an optimum level of self-knowledge, entails understanding others by knowing yourself and identifying the individuality of every human being, recognizing the dependency between “yourself and others”. Important factors in the development of self-esteem Self-esteem is linked to various factors. a) Resilience The ability that a human being has to grow and develop amidst adverse factors to mature. To become a competent and healthy adult in spite of unfavourable conditions. This means that a youth can come from a family where either the father or mother is an alcoholic and the youth doesn’t abuse health conditions. However, the child experiences this situation as something that he doesn’t want to live and becomes “resilient” within adverse conditions. Assertiveness Assertiveness is a lot more than saying yes or no. It implies recognizing and naming your feelings, being able to express them and make decisions, acting without asking others for help and always taking responsibility for your behaviour and its consequences. An assertive person always feels free to express themselves. They can communicate with anyone. They know where they are going in life; they chase what they want, imagine, believe and achieve. They aren’t passive, they don’t wait for things to happen and they don’t wait for people to impose things on them. They always act as they deem respectable, that way they conserve their own respect. Assertiveness defines the way to act in front of a situation that requires an answer or decision. You can decide on the spot, with your natural reaction or the way people expect you to act, or in a reasonable way. Not only do we use our assertiveness to make decisions, we also use reason. This implies: defining the problem, looking for possible solutions and valuing every option and then opting for the most adequate. When a person is sure of themselves, they can defend their rights and assume responsibilities and obligations. Life presents problems to everyone, but the important thing is to know that we are capable of confronting these problems efficiently. Being assertive promotes equality in interpersonal relationships through open communication. Being assertive allows you to defend your own rights, you can say what you think, feel and want clearly and directly, in the right moment, without denying other people their rights and avoiding a passive and possibly aggressive attitude. Assertive communication is indispensable in life, to get to know what other people think, feel and act. Being assertive offers responsibility to experience satisfaction. Aggressive behaviour requires the richness of social interaction and provokes negative defects, and deteriorates satisfaction and the communication in human relationships. A non assertive attitude exhibits manipulation and physiological control to others. Nobody can manipulate other people’s emotions. Carrying out assertiveness helps you to protect yourself in risky situations. It strengthens the sense of responsibility and gives you security. The Values Our values determine how we think. Everyone has different values and their own opinion of what is good and what is bad. Having a firm system of values helps to make decisions basing things on facts and not on external pressures. Coherent behaviour is impregnated by a person’s values. Values strengthen the success of specific goals. Without direction energy is dispersed and it weakens the intention and reach. Become aware, have great consistency with what you think, believe, feel and act. This is a process that requires the development of self-knowledge and personal control. Knowing your values can help you to: identify and question the aspects of everyday life and the current social rules. You can build more equal ways of life not only in the interpersonal fields but also in the collective fields. You can elaborate an autonomous and rational communication with yourself, discover general principles that help you establish justice on the reality. You can motivate youths so that they choose a consistent behaviour with the principles and rules that they have personally incorporated. Values create a deep commitment in the individual in front of the group he belongs to and in front of society. Once suitable for society, there are values that persist by the historic consensus. It is incorrect to say that some people don’t have values. They simply give them a different ranking order. Ranking values is not easy; first you have to think about which ones are desire, goals and needs to satisfy and reach – then you have to choose them as a guide. Ranking values varies according to the stage of human development. For example, for an adult, life, health, family and work are very important, whilst a youth would give more importance to friendship, school, fun times and being attractive for the opposite sex. Speaking about values is like talking about education. With the aim of not entering into moral controversies. It is important to point out that amongst the theme of responsibility is the moderation of alcohol consumption. The most important value is the looking after your health. Free Time Free time appears when an individual is capable of differentiating what is near and what is far and what he wants from others. If an individual requires free time, it is because he doesn’t allow boredom and the typical feeling of “nothing to do”. Work and free time constitute a right and a need. Everybody should count on work and free time to satisfy their personal and family needs, with the aim to perfect oneself and obtain freedom. Unfortunately, it is not very common to have free time everyday - time when you can enjoy yourself. Sometimes it is possible to experience our own desires without feeling the pressure of other people’s desires. We have been dragged through life having been taught to think like “others” and this isn’t necessarily bad, the problem is that before we haven’t thought about ourselves, questioning who we are, what we have and what we need. Free time is a continuous source of information and experiences, which is pure potentiality, ready to be exploited in an innumerate range of possibilities; possibilities that appear to each individual. The Life Project Everybody lives life as they please; people can choose an organized or chaotic life. Adults are familiarized with carrying out work projects. Children are used to carrying out school projects. However, nobody usually teaches us the importance of developing a personal life project. Speaking about creating a life project can be difficult, as some individuals believe that their life is mapped out for them, determined by their family, place where they grew up and their social economic level. All of the above limits a person’s possibility to plan for the future. On the other hand, you have teenagers that are interested in living life to the maximum. They don’t have a great perception of risk. However, this is the stage when they should plan and carry out certain actions that could influence their future economic, family and social life. Therefore, we have to make teenagers aware of the importance of decision making as a vital element in the creation of their life projects. We have to support them and encourage them to take the reigns of their personal life and assume the consequences of their decisions. In general terms, a life project gives them a reason to live. Adopting a life project as a model of prevention, it allows a person to consider certain personal and social issues, for example, the abuse of alcohol. The life project helps a person to know who they are, what they are like and create short, medium and long term goals in the different areas of life. A human being at any time in its life, needs to build the possibilities of his future, channel his efforts and establish where he wants to go, through a group of internal and external requirements with which he can evaluate the importance of being, doing and having. “What will I study'” “What career do I want to follow'” “Where will I study'” “Do I want a partner'” “What type of partner do I want'” “Where do I want to live'” “What obligations and responsibilities do I want if….'” “Should I start my sex life now or wait'” “Do I want to know what it is like to feel drunk'” “Should I take drugs'” These are some of the questions that adults and youths should consider. In order for the youths to find the answers to these questions for their life project, it is necessary to look for the answers deep within themselves, where everyone is able to listen to and analyze their choice, where their freedom is present and then analyze the questions from the perspective of “need”. The life project is a range of possibilities which give a person the opportunity to open new routes, experience alternatives and different situations that lead to internal growth. The life project is carried out during adolescence. The life project acts as way to organize in a gradual way, the interior and external world of an individual. Whilst a person is independently building their life project, he has the opportunity to update it and continue with the process and also change it so that it matches the reality. The advances in the elaboration of the project is not always lineal nor in the same direction. When someone doesn’t have a life project he is sad and bitter because he is sad about past events and is scared about the uncertainty of the future. It is important, for the majority of human beings, to occupy a place, to do something for yourself and those around you. Self-esteem for parents As parents we are the role models. Our children will think of us, when they make their first decisions on how they want to be and how they are going to act in life. We are also our children’s first sources of information on what they are worth and how important they are. We tell them what is good and what is bad and we tell them what they can and can not be or do. Our children will learn how to act and react from how we are and how we act from childhood and even before they were born. As parents, we can start to ask ourselves: “Do we want our children to be happier, more successful, healthier and have more satisfactory relationships than the ones we have'” Yes, of course we do and we want the best for our children. Therefore, you should try and look inside yourself for the sources of this healthy, positive, effective and motivating parenting that we want to transmit to our children. You should learn to express your feelings and emotions, instead of trapping your feelings of frustration and resentment. You shouldn’t have to reject or control your emotional states whatever they may be. You should be able to accept them and give them space so that they are integrated and modified in a natural process. The road to self-growth is simple, but it is not easy; it is a job without limits. It is a task for the whole life, but the results are worth the effort that you dedicate. It is possible that for every two steps forward we go one step back, even if we don’t want to. We have to realise that we should try not to overwhelm ourselves as this won’t help us. It is a lot more effective if you appreciate your advances, despite possible emotional relapses or negative actions and reaction and in the unexpected contexts. To be able to bring up your child with some determined positive attitudes towards themselves, others and towards life in general, the parents have to motivate them to recognize and activate these attitudes in themselves. The first thing we have to do is ask ourselves: “Can I help my child develop his education and personality so that I can be an important factor in his life' What can I Do' Can I help him'” We should have a declaration of trust in ourselves and in our children and generate commitment which involves action. We have to modify our own behaviour and the relationships we have with our family and others. As Waldo Emerson claims, our behaviour makes so much noise that it doesn’t allow us to listen to the words that accompany it. Development of parents self-esteem through personal jobs - Break rules Give yourself permission to break traditional rules with yourselves and others; we all have the possibility to improve our way of living and our relationships with others. Direct your life towards more satisfactory changes and targets. - We are changing I am not today what I was yesterday, and I’m not at 5 in the afternoon what I was at 4, the experiences in between have modified me. You need to bear in mind the effects of daily changes, our attitudes, relationships, behaviour and coexistence. Get to know yourself. Assume your own responsibilities; convince yourself that you can be effective and competent managers of your life. If you are open to change you automatically create the opportunity for your children to act themselves and be responsible of their own lives. - Survival mechanisms Protection and defence destined to avoid or reduce the difficulties caused by our environment. However, we should look after and learn to manage our basic non satisfactory survival mechanisms like rebelliousness, feeling the victim, adulation, forced effects to please others, complaining, being quiet, crying, not crying, acting like a man – not letting your emotions show and showing signs of weakness, fear, resentment or shouting to intimidate others. - Love yourself The majority of people love themselves and appreciate themselves, but if people ask you for concrete reasons as to why you appreciate or love yourself, most people find it difficult to answer. We have been taught to combat pride and arrogance and therefore we don’t praise ourselves. The goal is to neutralize and deactivate the conditions that people demand from us. Find modesty, recognise and develop our own identity and the divine essence that we imagine. - Accept yourself Accept yourself how you are, with honesty and without the sense of blame, embarrassment, the feeling of being insufficient, false pride, arrogance or frustration. Accept yourself, it is necessary to know yourself, look at the past and the present and try to invent a more satisfactory future. We often do things and we have emotions that, we consciously consider without sense. We react with anxiety or discomfort, we are unhappy with ourselves and with the way we act and think. Our “interior child” reacts and rebels against the adult perspective that wants to grow and develop. If we want to appreciate our worth and importance, we have to try to appreciate what already exists. However, when it is our turn to act we find ourselves blocked by our own previous survival mechanism. That is why there are people that are very effective at work but are completely negative with family relationships, where their attitudes are completely different. - Creative thinking Positive thinking, recognising opportunities to create contexts to escape from our limitations and conditions. If I think I can’t do it, my creative thought which looks for solutions, creation of voluntary formulas will not only not activate, but it will not show either. In its place there will be a creative feeling with a negative character, which is what convinces me that I can not and continues in the same unsatisfactory space in which I found myself. We are not used to considering ourselves as the cause of our life, a factor that stops us using all the energy when carrying out what we want to achieve. We begin to think why and how. We consider pros and cons, we are plagued with doubts and we end up not trying and not achieving anything. - Interpreting the present based on the past This highlights the importance of living the here and now, and not remaining in the past or being anxious of the future. We are influenced but not conditioned by the past. We submerge ourselves in the memories of the past or in the dreams of the future, we enjoy and wear out the happiness of the moment. We can try and reinterpret the past by building roots for the future. Make a reinterpretation of the past from our actual situation. In stead of ignoring it by blocking out any unpleasant moments helps us to deactivate from our current perspective the possible negative events of the past. Reconstructing our past helps to motivate us create a present or future how we like, instead of trailing behind a reality that doesn’t satisfy or motivate us. - Assuming our own personality Being responsible of our own lives, of our own actions, interpretations, reactions and attitudes. Our first responsibility is to clarify what our values are, which ones we can use and which are obstacles. Make a balance, from there start closing previous processes. This is one of the basic actions in our self-growth. Don’t let bygones be bygones but get clarity of your bank accounts, debts and bills. Re-evaluate things: I am a self-realizing human being and I realise that everything is worth more when I place it in a positive context. Self-esteem and self-realization Knowing what you are worth and how important you are. Knowing your responsibilities and what you want to do with your life. Often, self-realization is confused with selfishness and self-indulgence. However, it is the opposite. You can use it to open up to others, to become more responsible of your own actions and relationships. You form a positive concept of yourself in relation to others and the responsibility of your own actions and relationships. However, you can not teach your children what you don’t know. You can only do this if you consider yourself as your own educator. Everybody is valuable, important and responsible for the fact that you are a human being. You all have the capacity to make your own decisions and accept the responsibility of your actions. Fundamental values of self-esteem a) What we are worth It has been proved that if we want, we are capable of improving, learning and progressing in all directions. We are all potential geniuses, according to the environment or field that motivates or interests us; we have the possibility to start being a genius at any moment or stage in our life. b) Our importance We are all unique; we need to be conscious of how important we are, this means we have to realize that as we are being human beings created with a likeness to God, we have the capacity to make a difference not only in our lives but also with our relationships with others. c) Our responsibility What we are worth and how important we are doesn’t only make us what we are, it implies our capacity and disposition to assume the responsibility of our growth, evolution, how we act in life and the results that we achieve. Being responsible means we are capable of creating situations that allow us to act in a beneficiary way for ourselves and for others. If we know that we are important, that we are worth something and that we are able to do things, we will act from a space of freedom, autonomy and we will act with responsibility. Components of self-esteem The components that give our children a sense of self-esteem are: security, self-concept, the feeling of belonging, motivation and competence. Security Feeling secure helps a person’s self-esteem. It helps motivate. It derives from the recognition of success, freedom, appreciation, self-concept and being accepted. A child should experience an environment of love, acceptance and understanding as soon as he is born. This allows the child to follow his natural development impulses and gives him security based on his own experiences and on his parent’s reinforcement. When a child doesn’t feel sufficiently accepted, understood or loved, his development process will be repressed, not only his physical development but also his mental development. The confidence he has in himself will be deeply affected. A child needs some clear behavioural rules, so that he knows what is expected of him as part of the family. He needs to know the basic rules of coexistence which apply to all of the family. Giving contradictory messages can take away a child’s confidence and ability to act naturally. The parents have to agree on the family rules and inform their children the rules and let them know what is expected of them. The child needs to be able to trust his parents and not be subject to abrupt mood swings or changing attitudes within the family. The child needs the security of knowing what he can and can’t do, with the aim of developing his sense of responsibility. 1.A. Characteristics of an insecure child He feels very timid He finds it difficult to separate from people or situations that protect him. He is a nervous character: he bites his nails, sucks his thumb, plays with his hair, trembles and cries. Stress means he wets the beds, he suffers stomach and head aches, he sweats a lot, he has skin irritations and he is generally a nervous person. He resents authority because of the abuse he has suffered. He plays up to the fact that he was a “victim” and this makes him feel relieved: he is not responsible, it is the environment or others. He is disorientated, he doesn’t know what is expected of him, and he is confused. He believes there isn’t any justice towards him and everything that he does. He tries not to experience new things, as in the past he has been punished for all the decisions he made. Therefore, he decides not to do anything as he doesn’t want to be punished. He finds it difficult to accept change. Change makes him nervous and frightened. He finds it difficult to maintain eye contact with others or to have physical contact with others. Doing these things remind him of the fear that he suffered when he looked at his parents. He is not used to receiving hugs or affection. He rejects the orders that people give him because he recognises the risk or effort which he considers excessive. He doesn’t accept the concept of delayed gratification as this makes him loose confidence in his ability to succeed. Characteristics of a secure child He usually: Feels open to change. Feels comfortable with receiving physical contact from the people he loves. Feels comfortable taking risks and looking for alternatives. Doesn’t have problems when couples split up, as long as it is explained to him and he realises the reasons for the separation. Has a trusting relationship with people he knows. Accepts assessment and evaluations that he receives. He speaks openly about his difficulties, always thinking about a solution. Forgives unfairness looking for the solution or a way to repair the consequences. Is open to mutual and respectful interaction with others. Is aware of what is expected from him, and if not, tries to find out. Possible ways to improve a child’s sense of security Revise the house and school rules which don’t seem adequate. The rules should be clear and discussed with the child so that he feels they are fair. Determine new rules which give the child access to acting freely in situations without reprimand. Create contexts in which the child enhances his self-esteem and security. Give him the opportunity to show his creativity and show him that people rely on him and that he is capable of facing and resolving situations, conflicts and problems with the means and resources he has. Propose reference models that allow him to feel happy about himself. Don’t compare him to others as this will make him feel as though he is not worth a lot. Show him reference models with the intention of learning new ways of acting. Show him you have faith and confidence in him. Make the child understand and accept that you can learn from mistakes. Immediate acknowledgement if the child does something positive that we have asked him to do. When you praise your child for something, you need to make it very clear that your appreciation for his behaviour is not the reason for your affection. You love him for what he is and not for what he does, although this does reinforce your affection. Stimulate the child so that he makes ambitious but possible plans. Plans that he visualises as if they were a dream but without expectations, without the need to fulfil them, because if he thinks he has to fulfil them this could produce frustration. Motivate him to act from the perspective that he can and that if he doesn’t achieve it, it doesn’t matter. He will always learn from his new ambitions. Make the child from a young age realise the importance of being and acting yourself. Highlight and accept as a positive thing, we are all in a world of constant change, whether we like it or not. Everyone can modify the quality of their changes and the rhythm of their own life. Self esteem or sense of identity This refers to the image that the child forms of himself, or the mental associations that the child acquires when he refers to himself. These associations derive from the way the child has been treated in the past. His emotional reactions and the conclusions he forms about himself depend on his interpretation of his experiences and the situations he has experienced from childhood. From a young age, a child creates strategies on how to live, which will possibly accompany him throughout life. The way parents act towards their kids motivates, forms and reinforces these strategies. The child builds a behaviour, defence and survival system, according to the way his parents act towards him. In the future, these systems will allow the child to overcome the suffering or discomfort of negative situations. If the child has been treated with affection and as someone important, if he has been respected, if he has been helped to realise his skills and if the parents have dedicated the necessary attention to him, his self-esteem will be positive. First of all he will feel important with his family and at school and in life after that. Having self-esteem acts as a type of injection against the impact of adversaries. There will be good and bad moments in life, but self-esteem will always be there to assume the good and bad moments. The child that has been considered as a person that is learning, instead of as a potential person, will have a positive self-esteem. The child that hasn’t had this opportunity will usually base his self-esteem on the opinion of others for his whole life. He will find it very difficult to accept himself how he is and he will be constantly trying to improve without external pressure. His life and his growth depend on whether he dares to improve. Characteristics of a child with limited self-esteem He has an excessive desire to please others. His survival mechanism makes him adopt other people’s interest to avoid possible difficulties and suffering. He feels uncomfortable with his physical appearance. He thinks of beauty treatments as an important element and remembers possible negative commentaries that he has received in the past. This leads him to over value negatively any defect or physical imperfection. He uses excuses and lies to justify his behaviour. He feels uncomfortable accepting compliments: he denies or reduces their importance. He has been taught how to show modesty, however he knows that it is not good to be self-important and confuses self-appreciation with being eccentric. He finds it difficult to express feelings or emotions. He responds this way because his feelings were never considered during childhood: you shouldn’t cry, be afraid, show weakness, etc. He dresses in an eccentric way or too modest; his mechanism causes him to be rebellious or excessively modest. He wants to attract attention or reject it: in both cases it is because he believes he is not worth it. He complains about others, this is a defence mechanism, the fear of assuming the responsibility of his own actions. He feels like a victim, the child gives himself an excuse for his deficiencies and his lack of success. He is hyper –sensitive, he feels instantly attacked and overwhelmed when anything happens to him. He feels and complains about his job being too much and that he can’t continue in this way. He doesn’t try or worry. He discounts it. He believes that he’s not worthy or that he can’t handle the challenge, he reinforces his negative self-esteem. He shows symptoms of not believing that he could be the cause of his own life, he feels that what happens to him is the effect of others and of the circumstances, more than his own perception and decision. He acts with the illusion of superiority which limits his efficiency to carry out any action as he considers it under his level. He has a very limited knowledge of himself, realising who he really is would make him clash with his own negative and insufficient self-esteem and his mechanism protects him from frustrations, disenchantment and disillusions. He acts having copied other people’s roles or imaginary roles, without looking at himself and his own capacities. He is prone to criticise himself and receive criticism from others. This attitude gives him an excuse for the lack of satisfaction in his life and in his relationships. Characteristics of children with a high self-esteem They know who they can trust and they trust only them. They have trusted in their parents from a young age and their parents have spoken to them about all types of situations and experiences. They are confident and therefore, they don’t find it difficult to accept when changes occur e.g. when a couple splits up. They know that life is full of ups and downs and that they have to integrate them into their own life. They feel comfortable with all types of change as they are prepared to take their own responsibilities. They are open to making decisions, run risks and act in order to achieve results. They are not afraid of other people’s criticisms as they know who they are, what they want and what they can achieve with the resources they have. Ways to develop your children's self-esteem Parents have to learn not to condition their affection for their children. The way the parents act is part of the child’s education and growth process and mutual love should not interfere. If the children perceive unconditional love, they will feel secure and loose the feeling of anxiety caused by the fear of not being sufficiently valued. This allows them to behave with the belief that whatever happens, they will be loved and appreciated as always. Take time to listen to your children. It is important to try and understand what they want to say with their verbal and non verbal language without the interference of distrust or pre-concepts. Make the child know what he is worth and give him constant reinforcement to enhance his self-esteem and confidence in himself. The best way to do this is by using specific actions. Make the child recognize from the results that he has achieved, what his skills are and convince him that he can, he knows, he is capable and he is worth a lot. Take advantage of all opportunities to underline that the child is under constant development. He is on the route he has chosen and he can modify his route if he wants. Remind him of important dates like birthdays and anniversaries of events that are important for him. Make a note of when he advances, something he says and don’t let good actions go unseen. Organize a diary for your children so that your can dedicate each child a few extra minutes a week the more the better. Make the child reflect on himself, his characteristics and his possibilities as a person. It is very important to be free of fear to look for your identity and know yourself well. Clarity on who you are, is the most efficient. Don’t label your child. Instead of you need to get used to describing his behaviour. “He is a child acting badly”. Behaviour can be judged, corrected and it helps us learn. Use praise with as much details as possible and focus the praise on positive and constructive remarks. Listen carefully, asking for clarification, paraphrasing. Always be emphatic. Don’t tell the child specifically what he should do unless he asks you. Try to get him to discover the possible solutions to any problem. Accept what the child thinks without telling him how to do it. Strike up conversation to allow him to decide his future actions, using his own confidence. Show sympathy with phrases like , These phrases help the child to feel that he is listened to and understood. They also validate his feelings and emotions. Teach the child words that symbolize his feelings so that he finds it easier to express himself. Play games with the child, execute jobs and in general, get him to make the decisions about how you spend your time together. Sense of belonging The feeling of being accepted by others and most importantly by your family. If a child feels like he is accepted and loved at home, he will find it a lot easier to socialize and integrate into other groups. Parents hold the key to their child’s ability to relate to others. Creating a family atmosphere where people share, participate, play and work together reinforces the sense of the family as a group. Children are made aware that participating means sharing the good and the less good and that this is the base in order to be accepted in any context. A good instrument of cohesion and support can be to name one member of the family to be the centre of attention for one day. This consists of everyone talking to this person in a flattering way and the leader choosing what they are going to eat that day, what games they are going to play together, what they are going to talk about, etc. In this type of atmosphere, children learn how to be active, how to share, support, contemplate their desires with the interest of the group and go along with the rules and regulations of the group. How a child with a low sense of belonging behaves He isolates himself from others. He doesn’t take the initiative as he fears rejection. He finds it difficult to start and maintain friendships. He doesn’t have many friends; he avoids feeling rejected or uncomfortable. He tends to relate to objects or animals instead of people. He is arrogant and sarcastic. He doesn’t collaborate and he tries to attract other people’s attention. He acts in an extreme way as he doesn’t want to face rejection. To attract attention he often boasts about things that are not true or things that have been over-valued, the “child inside him” remembers that having done this in the past he gained his parents attention. He tries to influence others or control them. He prefers competition to co-operation or collaboration. He has a tendency to criticize instead of appreciating himself and others. A child with sense of belonging He shares the concept of collaboration and friendship. He is capable of starting interpersonal contact with the people that he wants to relate to. He shows sensitivity and understanding to others. He shows skills to cooperate and share. He feels comfortable in a group. He is accepted by others and he wants to be part of a group. He shows a positive and open social attitude. He feels valued by others. He accepts people as they are, without trying to control them, although he is open to give support and feedback for all those that ask. Possible measures to help children feel like they belong 1. Tell the child that everyone has to try and be accepted by others. 2. Convince them that they have everything they need, that they have nothing to fear. This usually reduces the fear they have to relate to others. 3. Motivate the child to share his ideas and points of view within a group. 4. Create contexts so that he learns how to be a leader, this distracts fear, anxiety and the feeling of embarrassment, blame and lack of personal value. 5. Look for opportunities in which the child can help others in a natural way. 6. Create an atmosphere based on accepting. Anxiety reinforces fear and therefore increases, at the same time, the fear of being rejected by others. 7. Motivating the children so that they share details of their personal life, if they want. Let them speak about their personal objects that are important to them and why. Let them talk about their colleagues that have similar interests to theirs. Play group games, enjoy yourselves together without any competition. Feeling motivated and full of purpose This feeling pushes people to act in a determined way and to propose specific, effective, concrete and reachable objectives. A person with self-esteem knows what he wants to achieve and he finds out how to do it in the short, medium and long term. His energy is directed at specific tasks and he feels satisfied when he achieves what he originally proposed. Having lack of direction and purpose subtracts motivation from making a real effort to carry out objectives, as the person isn’t necessary convinced. Parents can motivate their children to act in a specific way by showing them confidence. The expectations that a father has for each of his children varies. Sometimes these expectations respond only to desires and to preconceptions. Often, these expectations are the reflections of paternal frustration from their childhood. The parents transfer to their children, the desires that they had as children. Expecting too much can overwhelm the child and harm his self-esteem if he doesn’t manage to fulfil his parent’s requirements. This type of situation can leave the child frustrated and with a high sense of negative insufficiency. Sometimes the parent’s expectations on one of their children can cause jealously amongst the brothers and sisters and harm their self-esteem. It is good for parents to want their children to be successful, but the children have to motivate themselves, they need to use their own initiative, creativity, effort, interest and personal success and not act just because their parents ask them of expect it of them. A child will always put a lot of effort into his objectives when he knows that his parents have faith in him and his capacity to reach his objectives. Characteristics of a child with little motivation and no purpose 1. He doesn’t show any initiative. He does what is expected of him without taking any risks. 2. He often seems bored as he doesn’t look for alternatives or solutions. 3. He doesn’t have any objectives therefore he doesn’t have any results. 4. He often asks himself: why should I bother if I am not interested' 5. He feels useless and incapable; he looks for attention by screaming and moaning – this makes him feel comfortable. 6. He rarely carries out, in a satisfactory way, his school work or homework, etc. 7. He feels like he isn’t capable of doing things, therefore, he doesn’t think it is worth trying. 8. He finds it difficult to make his own decisions. If there isn’t enough motivation, it’s not work making a decision. 9. He doesn’t worry about the quality of the work that he does. 10. He doesn’t assume his responsibilities and he usually blames his mistakes on others or on the circumstances. 11. He is reactive instead of being proactive. His way of thinking means he doesn’t take the initiative and therefore doesn’t come across any difficulties. A child with a feeling of purpose and motivation 1. He has a good sense of direction – he knows where he wants to go and how to act. 2. He feels motivated to undertake new activities, to look for solutions and alternatives. 3. He makes decisions and starts new projects and activities when he considers it necessary. 4. He creates his own contexts where he can use his skills. 5. He takes responsibility of his actions and recognises the results and the consequences of them. 6. He is open to opportunities that are presented to him and he provokes them. 7. He creates realistic objectives and works towards them. 8. He is pro-active instead of being reactive. This means he creates and acts spontaneously according to his convictions and motivations instead of limiting himself to responding to external stimulation. 9. He is conscious that he is in a learning process and he doesn’t get disheartened when he makes mistakes or experiences failure. Action Points to motivate our children 1. Create context and situations that enhance the child’s security, self-concept and sense of belonging. 2. Favour situations in which the child can discover himself by doing things well and worthy of praise. 3. Find out from the child: What doesn’t satisfy him. What motivates him. If he is spontaneous or responds to being victimised or to a family rebellion. What makes him think that he can’t do certain things that he’s not going to be successful. What makes him give up easily and what makes him make a big effort to achieve results. Action points: 1. Create contexts in which the child realises the advantages of delayed gratification. This is giving up to immediate satisfaction to achieve more satisfactory results in the long run. 2. Find out what your child wants to do in life. There’s no doubt that your child has needs and desires which sometimes he is not aware of. You can use the dynamics of a group and games, in which the child can dream and visualize himself doing a specific job, with certain tasks, achieves results, attention and admiration. 3. Use the “only today” technique to avoid anxiety and motivate the child to try out things that he wants to achieve: only today am I going to do this job, only today am I going to make this effort. Tomorrow repeat the dose. 4. Give your child the possibility to motivate himself by recognizing and praising his positive results. 5. Using personal examples explain to your child the importance of sending himself positive messages which allow him to disqualify negative situations. 6. Generate collaboration and mutual support at home and at school, so that the child feels motivated and it is in his interest to show off to his family members and/or school friends collaborating in common tasks. 7. Organize your child’s time – have a diary of activities. Use colours, a different colour per activity. Instead of mentioning the activity, mention the colour to indicate the task. 8. Make your children realize that what they are doing is important. Acknowledge that what they are doing is not easy and the fact that they are trying means something. Don’t disregard success, but recognise it and praise it in a specific way. 9. Express and verbalize immediate reinforcement after a success. Recognized successes, although small, can help increase motivation. 10. Reduce anxiety using the game as a learning instrument and motivation. 11. Make sure you don’t loose your confidence in your child even if your child experiences total or partial failures in the stages he is growing. We all have potential to grow without a limit. 12. You can make posters of recognition at the end of the day or week, for activities that your child has carried out well. 13. Every month organize some group interactions to get a personal evaluation. Discuss whether there has been a change in attitude or behaviour at home, at school, with your child’s relationships with others, with himself. This will get your child used to doing a personal analysis which will make them know themselves and make conscious decisions. 14. Show you trust your child 15. Help your child to fix ambitious but realistic objectives, ones that he can achieve. 16. Encourage your child’s interests, talents and activities with drawing, playing games, commitments, exchanges, reflection, relaxation, physical and mental group or individual exercise. 17. Organize a prize system that serves as a supplementary incentive project for actions carried out. 18. Don’t consider failure as something negative but as an opportunity to learn and practice. Sense of personal competence You need to feel that you are sufficiently prepared and ready to face up to any situation that presents itself. You need to feel that although you don’t know all of the answers you can look for them and find them. This gives you the “feeling of power” which you get from your own knowledge and positive experiences. A child acquires this sense of power when he learns to resolve for himself a certain number of problems and conflicts that present themselves. This is the consequence of making decisions which lead him to satisfactory results. He finds out where to find the resources that he needs, he learns how to use them, how to find out the relevant information and how to make good use of it. You need to be careful that you don’t over protect your children in conflictive situations. You need to encourage them to face up to risks and overcome them on their own. It is important that children become independent as soon as possible. An unfortunate route to take is one when the parent doesn’t worry about their child or the parent doesn’t pay any attention to their child and thus he abandons his own initiative; on the contrary, there are parents that overprotect their children, without making them feel the necessary affection, moral support, recognition and feedback that allows them to confront possible mistakes which form part of the learning curve instead of considering them failures. Many children, the weakest, give up and loose interest. Others, the most equipped, manage to motivate themselves, although they develop a survival system which means they separate from others and reject other people’s collaboration and support. A third route, equally as negative, is setting your children overwhelming tasks. Often parents that have these demands aren’t even available to help their children to fulfil these objectives. There is a route that allows the development of a child’s competence, security, motivation and self concept. There are also various routes for the parents to help their children with this route. One of these routes is to encourage your child making him see that he is capable of learning and acting in the correct way in different situations. Always make sure that you support him, give him feedback and encouragement. This way, the child will feel capable and independent but he will know that if he asks his parents for help, they are available to help him at any time he asks. Learning to ask is another factor to consider. You need to know how to say no, if we think this is the best for the child. If it is necessary, you need to say no openly and give specific reasons with a dialogue so that he understands. Doing this the child checks the support and confidence that his parents have in him and in his capacities. Once the child has finished the task, it is important to check that he has been done well and recognize the effort, intention and skills shown; there is always a detail which he can concentrate on to make his effort more effective. As a result the child will feel proud of the job that he has done. He will recognize the value of finishing a task. This in turn will cause: A more positive self-concept. The child to make new objectives as he realises that he is able to face up and solve problems. The capacity to recognize and use the means and resources at hand in a more effective way. Prove that he has the moral support and confidence of his parents when he needs it. The child to be more certain of himself, feel more secure not only as a person but also as a member of the group. The development of his sense of personal competence. He will feel motivated to re-start the process every day, without fearing failure. As he has been capable of resolving a problem, failing on the second occasion doesn’t seem so threatening for his self-concept and less still on successive occasions. Children with lack of competence They usually have the following characteristics: Excessive dependency on adults – as he not only thinks but believes he alone doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t have any sense of creativity or independent personal action. He believes that success depends on luck and the help of others. He doesn’t accept small positive progress; he considers this progress insufficient to modify his confidence in himself. He doesn’t understand why there should be alternative ways to do something. He worries about the future instead of acting in the present. He gives in easily as he doesn’t have any faith in himself. He lacks the sense that you can learn from your mistakes. He often uses phrases like “I can’t” etc not only with himself but also when talking to people. He lacks the sense that he can ask for help and support from others. He refuses to contribute his ideas and opinions, as he tells himself that they aren’t worthy, that others aren’t interested in them. He doesn’t dare run any risks; he already has enough problems with his insufficiency. He takes all success and deeds for granted, not only his own but other people’s too. Sometimes envy invades him because he is not capable of doing as well as others. He finds it difficult to accept his and other people’s weaknesses and he does not express his ideas or opinions. He doesn’t get involved in jobs or tasks as he fears failure or making mistakes. As a result he ends up isolating himself and missing opportunities. He finds it difficult to recognize his skills as not recognizing them gives him justification for bad results. Saying that he is not able to do something, seems less dangerous than failing to do something and then feeling bad because of it. He doesn’t know how to loose and as a result does not have a good sporting spirit. He often shows his frustration, resignations, challenges and non constructive dreams. A competent child Looks for challenges and risks; he looks at what he can learn in every context. Is conscious of his skills, virtues and weaknesses and accepts his weaknesses as opportunities to grow. Feels motivated to act successfully in situations that he considers important and he uses his initiative to achieve successful results. Shares his likes, ideas and opinions with others, believing that they are interesting. Is interested in sharing with others and learning from them. Shows his sporty side and accepts mistakes and defeats as a sign to learn from them. Looks for collaboration instead of competitiveness. He recognizes when he is successful, as people praise him and he is capable of speaking positively about his achievements, without fearing that others will consider him vain or arrogant. Creating a positive sense of competition in your child Positive measures to help your child develop a positive competitive streak. Give your child the opportunity to achieve something that he didn’t think possible. Help your child to look for the best use of his personal resources. Provoke situations so that you can reinforce and continuously support your child. Help your child discover which of his own resources he can use in different action areas. Give your child positive feedback on concrete things that he has satisfactorily carried out. Organize role plays so that your child learns and understands what it is like to be an explorer, artist, judge, teacher, etc. Organize tasks that make your child think at a different level. Take advantage of any situation to ensure that your child overcomes feelings of incompetence and becomes dynamic and confident in himself. Your child needs to know that he can learn from any piece of information, situation or context. Organize reinforcing games like creating a relationship where the members have certain qualities (like those of your child) plus others. Later read out the qualities. At the end compare the positive characteristics which your child has given each character with his own. Organize small get-togethers after school for the children to celebrate certain events; successful team work, winning a football game, someone’s birthday and create in your child the role of host. Give certificates for actions that you are proud of. Everyone likes to receive certificates for different things. The characteristics and measures suggested for any of the 5 components, although they have been indicated, form a child’s perspective and can be applied to ourselves and to our relationships with the child inside us. The child inside us is the part of us that for whatever reason, still hasn’t matured. It remains blocked in its maturing process to now be used as a survival mechanism adopted, reinforced and modified in childhood. The child inside us provokes childish reactions when we are adults and it needs to be recognised, thought about and integrated into our personality. This process is the process of personal growth. The work that we carry out with our children so that they can reach an adequate level of self-esteem, represents a positive time to work and achieve results; personal self development in ourselves. It is a way for all of us to enter into a stage where we mutually support and motivate in order to create a more correct direction in our lives. Positive attitudes and Self-care Phrases that promote positive attitudes: Very good, I knew you could. I’m sure you are capable. I don’t doubt your good intention. John thinks highly of you. If you need something, ask me. I know you didn’t mean to do it. I’m very proud of you. You know I love you lots. I know you are good. I congratulate you on what you have done. When you need me, I’ll help you. I’ve noticed that you’re getting better every day. I believe in what you have said. You know I want the best for you. You deserve the best. You can achieve whatever you want. Your next results will be better. Self-care a) How to implement (Garma 1999) Self-care has some principals which should be taken into consideration: It is an act of life which allows people to convert into subjects of their own actions. Therefore, it is a voluntary process of the person acting for themselves. It should be a philosophy of life and an individual responsibility intimately linked to daily life and the experiences people have lived. At the same time, it should be founded in a formal and informal support system as are the social and health systems. It is a social practice that implies a certain amount of knowledge and elaboration. It gives way to interchangeable and individual relationships. b) Promoting self-help So that people look after themselves on a daily basis, they need to include the following strategies: Develop self-esteem and generate levels of strength or empowerment, as strategies that are at the advantage of internalization of powerlessness. They should favour the sense of personal control and develop skills of personal motivation to change the personal and social conditions in favour of health. On the other hand, upon powering the self-esteem you are powered to self-stating, self-valuating, self-recognition and self-expression all aspects which favour integral development. Involve the dialogue of knowledge, which allows you to identify, interpret and understand the logic and the dynamics of the world in people’s life whilst they are discovering and understanding its rationality, sense and meaning. Being able to articulate it with scientific logic and give off a clarified vision of the illness and of the health which translates to healthy behaviour. Explore and understand the ruptures that exit between knowledge, attitudes and practice and configure action plans that make harmony viable between cognition and behaviour. The health agents should look after themselves as a daily process. If they live healthily, self care will be promoted. Contextualize self-care; that is to say, choose a direction which agrees with the characteristics of the person’s gender, ethnic and human cycle. It is important to understand that everybody has a life story with values, beliefs, learning’s and different motivations. Generate participating processes; the promotion of self-care should include a more active and informed participation of the people in the care of their own health. They need to understand that participation is a process within which the community assumes for itself the care of themselves and of the atmosphere that surrounds them, direction the sensibilization to increase the level of control and commitment on the health of the people that offer the health services and those that receive it. Self-care means learning to participate in society, in its dynamic, using their characteristics and specific conditions in a determined moment and to take positions in front of social demands. The knowledge learned through the socialization support the daily thought, the construction of alternatives, the motivations, the actions and every day decisions. The health agent should look for time to think and discuss what the people know, live and feel in the different life and health situations with which he can identify how to practice favourable, unfavourable and innocuous self-help, through an educative process of reflection-action, a return to practice to transform it. Ways to improve a family’s self-esteem a) Availability Dedicate time (which is what we don’t always have) to attend to your children, wife or husband. With teenagers, for example, you can’t say, “we’ll talk about this calmly on Saturday”, as Saturday will be too late. By Saturday, your 13 year old daughter will already have got drunk with a friend and will be awaiting the consequences of her actions – all because her father was unavailable to talk to her. You need to be available, because there are problems which can only be sorted out in a determined moment when someone wants to put their point across and be listened to. Remember that when our parents die, they leave us with memories of the times that they spent with us. b) Communication between parents-children. Parents should speak less and listen more. In many families, when the mother or father say, “son, we have to talk”, the child thinks, “oh no, what have I done'” Why' Because the child knows that when his mother or father says “we have to talk” they really mean “we are going to have an argument about something that you have done and I don’t approve of”. This would change if the parents aimed to: dedicate 75% of the time to listening and only 25% to speaking. Listening to your children (or spouse or anyone) is an active effort. You have to miss the news, lower the TV volume, turn your head to look at the person speaking, look them in the eyes, and show that you are listening. This is active listening, which is what helps to improve your family’s self-esteem. c) Consistency from the parents and self demand in your children You are coherent when what you think, feel, say and do is one and the same thing. It doesn’t make sense to order the children to “help mum to clear up the table” when you are sitting on the sofa. You need to first give the example. You have to clear the table for 5 days, so that your children see you. The fifth day you tell your children: “let’s do it together”. Two days later: “I’m proud of you, now you have learned you can clear the table on your own”. They will then feel proud of clearing the table. This way, they learn to demand from themselves, which is a lot better than watching over them 24 hours a day. We also ask the children to study but, do they see us studying, reading magazines about our trade, finding out about our speciality' We need to be able to say: “look children, we also study'” d) Have initiative, worries and be in a good mood, especially with your spouse These three factors are useful for the family’s self-esteem. In Spain, people are generally in a good mood. However, routine is an enemy in a relationship between husband and wife and with their children. The key is to ensure creativity and initiative in a couple’s life and this will, in turn, spread to the whole family. The best hours should be the time you spend with your husband or wife. Becoming a father or mother should not make us forget that we are “you and I, us”. Creativity and initiative protect the couple from routine. When there’s routine, it is easy for one of the members in the relationship to look for “magic” outside of the relationship, in other relationships. On the contrary, if the couple is happy, the children learn “sentimental education” simply seeing how mum and dad treat each other, seeing how they admire each other, flatter each other and praise each other. They are accomplices. A typical thought of an enthusiastic child is, “when I’m older I will treat my wife like dad treat mum”. This gives them self-esteem. e) Accept our limitations You need to know and accept your limitations, those of your partner, and those of your children. It is very important not to criticize your partner in front of the family, not criticize your son in front of his brothers or sisters, comparing them to the “good” and the “bad”. This makes the child suffer and takes away some of his self-esteem. It is best to talk to each child on his own. f) Recognize and re-confirm a person’s values Be sincere: it doesn’t make sense to call our child a “champion” if he has never won anything. If he has lost a football match, don’t call him a champion. He has to lean how to tolerate frustration which goes with loosing. We also need to know, adults and children that we are good at certain things and bad at others. “Son you are good at A and B but I don’t think C is your forte”. Doing this, we reconfirm what he is good at and he will see himself as he is a valuable person. g) Stimulate your personal autonomy A person becomes a good person by doing good things. It is important that children understand this. Therefore, it is important to: do good things as they make us good. This concept helps us to have personal autonomy, do things for ourselves to improve ourselves. h) Design a personal project You won’t go very far if you don’t know where you want to go. Staying still is not an option, as one tends to go backwards. You need to have a personal project in order to grow, and attend and help to distinguish and promote your projects. i) Have a high level of aspiration, but be realistic. We need to play with what is possible and what is desirable. If we aspire something people will value us, we will have self-esteem, but is it practicable' We should consider a high level of aspiration with the reality of our capacities and resources. j) Choose good friends Individualism is the cancer of the XXI century. We and our kids are tied to machines: the DVD, TV, video console, Internet….As we work alone so our true friendships decrease. Friends compromise a great deal and an individualist doesn’t like compromise! However, we need human friends, good friends more than ever. People we can spend lots of hours with, people we can have sincere and close conversations with, true friends that support us. We need friends that really know us, that accept our errors and promote our positive features. Selecting friends is a good investment. A family that tries to follow these principles contributes to improving their children’s self-esteem and their own self-esteem. There are 3 main ideas to consider: According to Chesterton, we need to understand that self-esteem, love, being loved is supernatural. Have you thought about how God loves you' Think about it. You are very special for him. When you experience this love, tell your children about it. A good portion of useless suffering is produced because sometimes when we should be trying to think, we start feeling; and on occasions instead of feeling, we start to think. We can avoid this useless suffering: there are moments to think and moments to feel. If you fight, you can loose, but if you don’t fight you have already lost. If you fight for your family life, you aren’t lost. How to improve self-esteem It is necessary to know how we work, that’s to say, we need to know what are strong and positive aspects are. Once we are aware of these aspects, we can decide which aspects we wish to improve and which we would like to reinforce. The action plan to change determined characteristics should be realistic and reachable in a certain time period (for example, our age is unchangeable, our height is another factor which we can hardly change, etc) That’s to say, we have characteristics that we have to accept and live with. We should try and see them in a positive light. Here are some ways to improve self-esteem: 1. Don’t idealize others. 2. Evaluate your qualities and defects. 3. Change what you don’t like. 4. Control your thoughts. 5. Don’t obsessively look for other’s approval. 6. Take control of your life. 7. Face problems without delay. 8. Learn from your mistakes. 9. Practise new behaviour. 10. Don’t demand too much. 11. Give permission. 12. Accept your body. 13. Look after your health. 14. Enjoy the present. 15. Be independent. Music Therapy Music therapy is used to help people with health and educative problems as it helps them improve their physical, psychological, intellectual or social functioning. A more detailed description can be found on musicterapia.com Music therapy can be defined as “…a process of systematic intervention, in which the therapist helps the patient to improve their health through musical experiences” (Bruscia 1998). Music therapy is used with children, adults and old aged pensioners with different physical, emotional, intellectual or social problems. It is also used on people that aren’t ill or that aren’t looking to improve their personal well being, to develop their creativity, improve their learning, to improve their interpersonal relationships and to manage stress. Music therapy is used on children to improve their self-esteem, attention and concentration, co-ordination, learning and social skills with others. There are currently a great number of scientific investigations that support the use of music therapy with different types of people. Music therapy helps children with: Learning difficulties. Behavioural problems. Deep development disorders (autistic). Mental problems. Socializing difficulties. Low self-esteem. Chronic medical disorders (cancer, heart problems, pain, etc). Adults with: Degenerative illness due to old age (Alzheimer’s amongst others). Substance abuse (adults that are addicted to pharmacies). Brain damage due to illness. Physical incapacities due to degenerative illnesses or accidents. Chronic or serious pain problems due to different conditions (consequence of accident, cancer, etc). Terminal illnesses. People that don’t have health problems can use music to: Reduce stress through playing or listening to music. Support the labour process for women. Increase creating and capacity to solve problems. To decrease anxiety. To improve self-esteem. To manage stress. Music therapy allows people: To explore their feelings. Make positive changes in a person’s emotional state. To develop a sense of control in their lives through successful experiences. Learn to put skills into practice to resolve problems and conflicts. To improve social skills. Things to consider about self-esteem Self-esteem is personal and it changes according to the individual. Having a healthy self-esteem doesn’t depend on age or experience. Everybody creates their self-esteem according to their own personal experiences. Self-esteem is subject to change at any moment throughout life. Self-esteem is not a synonym of success; it is limited by internal circumstantial factors like history and external social factors. It doesn’t only imply self-help, external confirmation of appearance and efficiency but also new goals that are sometimes synonym of new demands. People that have problems with alcohol abuse usually have low self-esteem. Those that feel good about themselves are less likely not to consume an excessive amount of alcohol: they don’t need to turn to alcohol to reassert themselves, explore new experiences as they communicate with assertiveness, managing to integrate into a group. They have realistic goals in the short, medium and long term. One of their self-esteem goals is self-understanding. In front of constant changes and advances, not only technological but scientific, the human being requires a greater number of physiological, psychological, social and educational resources. Self-esteem is considered a psychological resource that contributes to the preservation of one’s biological, psychological and social well being. Self-esteem is an important tool used to help adolescents make decisions that strengthen their health. Self-esteem gives an individual confidence in themselves. Some of the self-esteem components are: self concept, personal efficiency, respect for oneself and of course, love. The self-concept does not only include the knowledge of who someone is, but also the knowledge of what someone wants to be and what they should be. Respect is expressed as something positive in front of needs, rights, feelings and desires. As an adolescent, the youth continues growing and defining his identity, that’s to say, his self-concept. Bibliography Bruscia, KE. Defining Music Therapy, NH: Barcelona Publishers, 1998 Campaña, eduardo y Muñoz, mirtha, 2003; Man and Woman were created ; CLAI, 2003, San José, Costa Ric a. De Angulo José Miguel y Lozada, Luz Estella,1992, Self-esteem and Dignity, MAP Bolivia, Eric, Juan;(1997), About Self-esteem, Universidad Autónoma de México. Freud, Sigmund,1914, Introducción al Narcisismo, Editorial Alianza, Madrid, España F.I.S., Risk, protection and resillience factors, 1997, Fundación de Investigaciones Sociales, México. Gaja Jaumeandreu, Raimon, 2004, Wellbeing, Self-esteem and Happiness, Editorial Norma, Colombia Garma, A. y Elexpuru I, 1999, The self concept in the class room: Recursos para el profesorado. Barcelona: Edebé.España Music therapy- http://www.musicoterapia.com.mx/que_es.html Polaina, Aquilino, http://www.fluvium.org/textos/documentacion/fam200.htm Voli Ferrari, Franco, 1996, Self-esteem For Parents, Editorial San Pablo, España. What is self-esteem' Self-esteem is a very important aspect of our personality. It helps us to achieve our identity and to adapt to society. In other words, the degree in which individuals have positive or negative feelings about themselves and the degree in which individuals value themselves. Here are a series of definitions that define self-esteem: The capacity that a person has to value themselves, love themselves, appreciate themselves and accept themselves. A person’s attitude towards themselves. The way a person evaluates themselves: “I know only one definition of happiness: be a good friend to yourself” (p.solignac). The love that every individual has for themselves Self-esteem is related to many types of behaviour. People with high self-esteem usually have fewer aggressive and negative emotions – they suffer less from depression as compared to those with low self-esteem. People with high self-esteem can handle stress better and when they undergo stress they experience fewer negative health effects. The most important period in the development of self-esteem is during childhood. A child compares himself to how he would like to be and he judges himself until he reaches his idol. The opinions children have about themselves have a great impact on the development of their personality, especially in their frame of mind. It is important to study self-esteem and see how a person achieves high self-esteem. Self-esteem is the concept that we have of our worth and it is based on our thoughts, feelings, sensations and experiences that we have been collecting throughout live; we believe that we are clever or silly, people like us or not. The thousands of impressions, evaluations and experiences are all reunited into a positive feeling towards ourselves or on the contrary, in an uncomfortable feeling of not being what we expected to be. Types of self-esteem People can develop the following types of self-esteem. High self-esteem (Normal): The person loves themselves and accepts who they are. Low self-esteem: The person doesn’t love themselves, doesn’t accept who they are and doesn’t value their qualities. Inflated self-esteem: The person loves themselves more than others and they exaggerate their qualities. Characteristics of people with high self-esteem They know what they can do well and they know how they can improve. They feel happy with themselves. They express their opinion. They are not afraid to talk to other people. They know how to identify and express their emotions to other people. They participate in activities that are carried out at their school or work. They value themselves in everyday situations. They give and ask for support. They like tasks and don’t fear them. They consider others, they like to help and they are willing to collaborate with other people. They are creative and original. They invent things. They are interested in carrying out unknown tasks, and they learn new activities quickly. They fight to reach what they want. They enjoy the fun things in life, not only in their own lives but in others as well. They like to carry out new activities. They are organized in their activities. They ask when they don’t know something. They defend their position in front of others. They recognize when they make a mistake. They don’t get annoyed when people mention their qualities, but they don’t like to be insulted. They know their qualities and try to improve their defects. They are responsible for their actions. They are natural leaders. People with low self-esteem Characteristics of people with low self-esteem They are indecisive, they find it difficult to make decisions, and they are scared of making a mistake. They only make decisions when they are 100% certain that they will achieve a good result. They think they can’t do new things, that they don’t know anything. They don’t value their talents. They look at their small talents and they see other people’s talents as being better. They are afraid of new things and they avoid taking risks. They are very anxious and nervous, which makes them avoid situations which produce anguish and fear. They are very passive, they avoid taking initiative. They are isolated and hardly have any friends. They don’t like to compete with others. They avoid participating in activities which take place at their school or work. They fear speaking to other people. They depend a lot on other people to carry out tasks or carry out any type of activity. They give up instead of trying. They are not satisfied with themselves, they think they don’t do anything well. They don’t know their emotions; therefore they can not express them. As they don’t value themselves, they find it hard to accept criticism. They find it difficult to recognize their mistakes. They retain feelings of guilt when something goes wrong. When there are negative results they look at others to blame. They believe they are the ugly ones. They think they are ignorant. They are pleased other people make mistakes. They don’t worry about their health. They are pessimistic; they believe everything is going to have a negative outcome. They look for leaders to do things. They think they are not very interesting. They believe they cause a bad impression. They find it difficult to reach their goals. They feel like they don’t control their lives. Inflated self-esteem Characteristics of people with inflated self-esteem If we bear in mind the basic elements of Freud, we can guess the characteristics of a person with inflated self-esteem. They believe they can do everything; there is nobody better than themselves. They believe they are always right and that they never make any mistakes. They are excessively confident of themselves; as a result they don’t see the risks of their actions. They believe everyone loves them. They speak out of turn and are scandalous. They don’t consider anyone when they carry out their tasks or carryout any type of activity. In general, people reject them for knowing everything. They love themselves. They are vain, but in an extreme way they are “narcissistic”. Narciso was a beautiful young boy who used to go everyday to the lake to look at his beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that one day he fell into the lake and drowned. Where he drowned a flower was born which people called a Narciso (daffodil). They feel attractive (not necessarily in a physical aspect). They believe they are the most interesting people in the world. They are very sure of themselves. They believe they are natural winners. They believe they have the best bodies. They believe they have an impact on everyone they meet. They like people to praise them. They believe everyone is obliged to love them. They believe they are their best friends. They think they never make mistakes, but they attack others when they make a mistake. They are usually always friendly to people: they accept people without judging them. They fell happy and completely happy on their own. They are constantly worrying about their health. They are extremely optimistic. They believe they deserve more than others. They want to have the best clothes, perfume and material objects. They are self-worshipping. Creating self-esteem According to “Campos y Muños” (1992) we can see how self-esteem is created from the following elements: Elements of high self-esteem As children they: Were treated with love. Were given security. Had firm behavioural rules (not violent). Were taught how to respect others. Were taught how to dream. Were shown they could achieve everything they wanted. Were looked after health wise in a normal way. Were shown how to be independent. There are elements that help to improve self-esteem. Sense of pertinence: we need to feel like we are part of something. We are part of a family, a community, in which people love us and respect us. We are respected with out costumes, history, language, etc. Feel that we are loved by: family – they love us and look after us, if this is not the case we look for a substitute family; friends that we can share momentous occasions with; neighbours, that respect us. Be recognized for our qualities, capacities, skills, advantages, etc. Creating low self-esteem Self-esteem develops daily throughout the first couple of years of life. Some factors that produce low self-esteem are: Conditional love for children: “If you don’t get good marks in your exams, I’m not going to love you”. Constantly saying “No”: Don’t do this, don’t be late, etc. Inconsistent behavioural rules: Dad gives one order and mum gives a different one. Dad doesn’t give permission, but Mum does. Being told off by someone who is extremely angry, using swear words…. Parents showing indifference, they don’t know when their son is ill, if he eats, where he is….. Rigid family rules: whoever comes home after 12 won’t have breakfast at home! Important loss during childhood: mother, father or other member of family. Physical or sexual abuse: hit, rape….. Alcoholic mother or father or parents that are drug addicts. Over protecting parents. Parents that always give in. Communicating different ideas: a double standard message: one person says one thing and then acts differently to what he said. Example: a father tells his child not to lie and then he lies. Highly stressful situations or post traumatic stress can cause low self-esteem. Elements of inflated self-esteem As a child he: Was treated with suffocating love. Did not have any behavioural rules applied to him. Was taught that his opinion was far superior than others. Was taught that he would achieve everything that was proposed. Was taught that he could get anything he wanted and that he could use others to do this. Was taught that he was the best looking. Was taught that he was the most intelligent person. Was taught how to be extremely self-sufficient. Was taught that the best looking people are those that achieve the best things and that those that have a good body get a better partner. In extreme circumstances, you can see a child develop a vain narcissist personality. In the example of a female, she wants to be thin because she believes the perfect women is thin, sometimes she will suffer anorexia, feeling that she is fat and thus stops eating or sometimes she may even bulimia – she eats and then vomits. All carried out in order to stay slim. On the other hand, men become obsessed with their physical appearance. Elements linked to self-esteem According to the author Mauro Rodriguez, the components of self-esteem are diverse. Therefore, he breaks them down into three stages which are: - Self concept - Self respect - Self knowledge Knowing each of the self-esteem components allows us, without a doubt, to understand their development and recognize the importance of them in our everyday life. Given that self-esteem affects our human behaviour and receives determined influences from childhood until the last moment of our life: it is essential to identify their components so we can elaborate strategies which make us strengthen and maintain them in a high state. Doing this we are looking to approach the nucleus of self-esteem and its transcending influence in our personal development; from the identification of its components, with the main aim to start understanding it - which up until today has been unknown Self-concept Self-concept is the opinion or impression that the people have of themselves. It is their “identity” which develops throughout the years. Self-concept is a mixture of cognitive perceptions and attitudes that people have about themselves. The self-concept is multidimensional and every one of its dimensions explains different roles. A person can be classified as a husband or wife, as a professional, as a leader, as a parent and friend, etc; these different aspects describe the total personality. The individuals can have different self-concepts, that change from time to time, which can or can’t be precise portraits of themselves. The self-concepts are constantly elaborated, depending on the circumstance and of the confronted relationships by the individual. Findings have revealed that the differentiation in oneself increases with age. The contradictions and internal conflicts are less at the start of adolescence, then they reach a maximum point during the middle of adolescence and then they begin to decline. During the middle of adolescence, youths develop the capacity to compare, but not to resolve contradictory attributes. At the end of adolescence, the youth gains the capacity to co-ordinate, resolve and stabilize contradictory attributes and the youth reduces the experience of conflict over the type of person that he really wants to be. A few years ago (1950), it was claimed that a person’s personality has certain stability, but that it never remains exactly the same, it is always in a process of change, being constantly revised. Allport, used the term “propium” which is defined as: all the aspects of the personality that compose the internal unity. This refers to a person’s identity which develops with the passing of time. Ruth Strang (1957) identified four basic dimensions First – A general self-concept, which consists of the global perception that a teenager has of his capacity and status and of the roles in the external world. Second – Temporary and changing self-concepts, influenced by current experiences; for example, the critical commentary from a teacher, can produce a temporary feeling of handicap. Third – Adolescents are social beings in their relationships with others. As a teenager would say, “I like the way in which people respond to me, it makes me feel good”. Some teenagers think about themselves only in a negative light because they believe that pleases others. An important influence on self-concept, is the way teenagers feel in social groups. Fourth – teenagers would like to be their idealized image. These projected images can be realistic or not; they can imagine being what they will never be able to achieve, and this can drive them to frustration and disappointment. On other occasions teenagers project an idealized image and then they try to convert into this person. Those that enjoy a better emotional health, are usually those who will achieve their idealized image or are those that can accept themselves for who they are. The self-concept is formed onvarious levels: Cognitive level – intellectual: it constitutes the ideas, opinions, beliefs, perceptions and the processing of exterior information. We base our self-concept on past experiences and beliefs. Emotional level: this is the judge of our values (our personal qualities). This implies a pleasant or unpleasant feeling that we see in ourselves. Behavioural level: this is the decision to act, to practice a consistent behaviour. The factors that determine the self-concept are the following: Attitude or motivation: is the tendency to react strongly to a situation after positively or negatively evaluating it. It is the cause that encourages us to act, therefore, it is important to consider the reasons of our actions, so that we don’t get simply carried away with inertia or anxiety. The body scheme: it supposes the idea that we have feelings and stimulus’s. This image is related and influenced by our social relationships, fashion, complexes or feelings towards our selves. The aptitudes: they are the capacities that a person has to carry out something adequately (intelligence, reasoning, skills, etc). External valuation: this is the consideration or appreciation that other people have on us. They are the social reinforcements, flattery, physical contact, gestures, social acknowledgement, etc. Precise self-esteem Self-esteem is one of the most relevant factors in a person’s well being and it is the key to maintaining relationships with people in certain environments. If we tend to overvalue the difficulties or defects without valuing the possibilities, the overall situation (our perception) this can make us feel unsatisfied. If this wave or thought is generalized, we will act with fear and it is likely that these mistakes will happen again in the future. We can also have distorted thoughts, if what we have is an exaggerated feeling of self-esteem, this can create problems, which will mean we will not be able to solve the problems adequately. In our society people ask us to be perfect, the best! The ideal situation is to feel that a part of us is marvellous, the part that refers to our capacities. We are good at certain things, we have qualities that we use, we have achieved things, etc. The other part of us stores out limits. If we are sometimes hateful, get angry, we are weak or afraid, we don’t know what to do, we make a mistake. We try to hide our limits, as we are embarrassed of them. We pay so much attention to our defects that we make them present and worsen matters by not accepting them, changing them or coming out of certain situations. All of this energy demands us to develop our capacities and overcome them. We need to accept ourselves as we are with limits and abilities. Love ourselves without conditions. Only when we accept this will we feel an increase in our self-esteem. We need to expect the best of ourselves. Self Respect Respecting yourself is essential if you wish to live in harmony with yourself and with others. We constantly complain about others not respecting us, when we don’t respect ourselves. Dov Peterz claims that self-esteem is a silent respect for oneself. Whereas according to Mauro Rodriguez respect for oneself is displayed in the following forms: 1. Attending and satisfying your own needs and values. 2. Expressing and managing and forming feelings and emotions without harming or blaming anyone. 3. Looking for and valuing everything that makes one feel proud of themselves. Generally when someone starts disrespecting someone it is usually because they don’t respect themselves. In this case the individual should start looking at why he is acting in this way. Maslow claims “We can only respect, give and love others when we have respected, given and loved ourselves”. Without a doubt deep human relationships are established on respect and self-esteem strengthens when we learn to respect ourselves. Self Knowledge Know yourself – this is the best advice that has been around for centuries. Therefore, you can only love what you know; if you don’t know yourself very well, it is difficult to love yourself. Some questions which people find difficult to answer are: who are I' Why do I react like this' What made me feel like that' Etc. If we can’t answer these questions, we don’t know ourselves well enough. It is said that when we learn everything about ourselves, then we can live; we can not live with something or with someone we don’t know; nor can we apply capacities, resources or unknown skills. Knowing ourselves not only positively affects our self-esteem but it also affects our relationship with others, also our understanding of the world, the universe. A contemporary physician claimed: “we have carried out enough tests that indicate that the key to understanding the universe is you”. Reaching an optimum level of self-knowledge, entails understanding others by knowing yourself and identifying the individuality of every human being, recognizing the dependency between “yourself and others”. Important factors in the development of self-esteem Self-esteem is linked to various factors. a) Resilience The ability that a human being has to grow and develop amidst adverse factors to mature. To become a competent and healthy adult in spite of unfavourable conditions. This means that a youth can come from a family where either the father or mother is an alcoholic and the youth doesn’t abuse health conditions. However, the child experiences this situation as something that he doesn’t want to live and becomes “resilient” within adverse conditions. Assertiveness Assertiveness is a lot more than saying yes or no. It implies recognizing and naming your feelings, being able to express them and make decisions, acting without asking others for help and always taking responsibility for your behaviour and its consequences. An assertive person always feels free to express themselves. They can communicate with anyone. They know where they are going in life; they chase what they want, imagine, believe and achieve. They aren’t passive, they don’t wait for things to happen and they don’t wait for people to impose things on them. They always act as they deem respectable, that way they conserve their own respect. Assertiveness defines the way to act in front of a situation that requires an answer or decision. You can decide on the spot, with your natural reaction or the way people expect you to act, or in a reasonable way. Not only do we use our assertiveness to make decisions, we also use reason. This implies: defining the problem, looking for possible solutions and valuing every option and then opting for the most adequate. When a person is sure of themselves, they can defend their rights and assume responsibilities and obligations. Life presents problems to everyone, but the important thing is to know that we are capable of confronting these problems efficiently. Being assertive promotes equality in interpersonal relationships through open communication. Being assertive allows you to defend your own rights, you can say what you think, feel and want clearly and directly, in the right moment, without denying other people their rights and avoiding a passive and possibly aggressive attitude. Assertive communication is indispensable in life, to get to know what other people think, feel and act. Being assertive offers responsibility to experience satisfaction. Aggressive behaviour requires the richness of social interaction and provokes negative defects, and deteriorates satisfaction and the communication in human relationships. A non assertive attitude exhibits manipulation and physiological control to others. Nobody can manipulate other people’s emotions. Carrying out assertiveness helps you to protect yourself in risky situations. It strengthens the sense of responsibility and gives you security. The Values Our values determine how we think. Everyone has different values and their own opinion of what is good and what is bad. Having a firm system of values helps to make decisions basing things on facts and not on external pressures. Coherent behaviour is impregnated by a person’s values. Values strengthen the success of specific goals. Without direction energy is dispersed and it weakens the intention and reach. Become aware, have great consistency with what you think, believe, feel and act. This is a process that requires the development of self-knowledge and personal control. Knowing your values can help you to: identify and question the aspects of everyday life and the current social rules. You can build more equal ways of life not only in the interpersonal fields but also in the collective fields. You can elaborate an autonomous and rational communication with yourself, discover general principles that help you establish justice on the reality. You can motivate youths so that they choose a consistent behaviour with the principles and rules that they have personally incorporated. Values create a deep commitment in the individual in front of the group he belongs to and in front of society. Once suitable for society, there are values that persist by the historic consensus. It is incorrect to say that some people don’t have values. They simply give them a different ranking order. Ranking values is not easy; first you have to think about which ones are desire, goals and needs to satisfy and reach – then you have to choose them as a guide. Ranking values varies according to the stage of human development. For example, for an adult, life, health, family and work are very important, whilst a youth would give more importance to friendship, school, fun times and being attractive for the opposite sex. Speaking about values is like talking about education. With the aim of not entering into moral controversies. It is important to point out that amongst the theme of responsibility is the moderation of alcohol consumption. The most important value is the looking after your health. Free Time Free time appears when an individual is capable of differentiating what is near and what is far and what he wants from others. If an individual requires free time, it is because he doesn’t allow boredom and the typical feeling of “nothing to do”. Work and free time constitute a right and a need. Everybody should count on work and free time to satisfy their personal and family needs, with the aim to perfect oneself and obtain freedom. Unfortunately, it is not very common to have free time everyday - time when you can enjoy yourself. Sometimes it is possible to experience our own desires without feeling the pressure of other people’s desires. We have been dragged through life having been taught to think like “others” and this isn’t necessarily bad, the problem is that before we haven’t thought about ourselves, questioning who we are, what we have and what we need. Free time is a continuous source of information and experiences, which is pure potentiality, ready to be exploited in an innumerate range of possibilities; possibilities that appear to each individual. The Life Project Everybody lives life as they please; people can choose an organized or chaotic life. Adults are familiarized with carrying out work projects. Children are used to carrying out school projects. However, nobody usually teaches us the importance of developing a personal life project. Speaking about creating a life project can be difficult, as some individuals believe that their life is mapped out for them, determined by their family, place where they grew up and their social economic level. All of the above limits a person’s possibility to plan for the future. On the other hand, you have teenagers that are interested in living life to the maximum. They don’t have a great perception of risk. However, this is the stage when they should plan and carry out certain actions that could influence their future economic, family and social life. Therefore, we have to make teenagers aware of the importance of decision making as a vital element in the creation of their life projects. We have to support them and encourage them to take the reigns of their personal life and assume the consequences of their decisions. In general terms, a life project gives them a reason to live. Adopting a life project as a model of prevention, it allows a person to consider certain personal and social issues, for example, the abuse of alcohol. The life project helps a person to know who they are, what they are like and create short, medium and long term goals in the different areas of life. A human being at any time in its life, needs to build the possibilities of his future, channel his efforts and establish where he wants to go, through a group of internal and external requirements with which he can evaluate the importance of being, doing and having. “What will I study'” “What career do I want to follow'” “Where will I study'” “Do I want a partner'” “What type of partner do I want'” “Where do I want to live'” “What obligations and responsibilities do I want if….'” “Should I start my sex life now or wait'” “Do I want to know what it is like to feel drunk'” “Should I take drugs'” These are some of the questions that adults and youths should consider. In order for the youths to find the answers to these questions for their life project, it is necessary to look for the answers deep within themselves, where everyone is able to listen to and analyze their choice, where their freedom is present and then analyze the questions from the perspective of “need”. The life project is a range of possibilities which give a person the opportunity to open new routes, experience alternatives and different situations that lead to internal growth. The life project is carried out during adolescence. The life project acts as way to organize in a gradual way, the interior and external world of an individual. Whilst a person is independently building their life project, he has the opportunity to update it and continue with the process and also change it so that it matches the reality. The advances in the elaboration of the project is not always lineal nor in the same direction. When someone doesn’t have a life project he is sad and bitter because he is sad about past events and is scared about the uncertainty of the future. It is important, for the majority of human beings, to occupy a place, to do something for yourself and those around you. Self-esteem for parents As parents we are the role models. Our children will think of us, when they make their first decisions on how they want to be and how they are going to act in life. We are also our children’s first sources of information on what they are worth and how important they are. We tell them what is good and what is bad and we tell them what they can and can not be or do. Our children will learn how to act and react from how we are and how we act from childhood and even before they were born. As parents, we can start to ask ourselves: “Do we want our children to be happier, more successful, healthier and have more satisfactory relationships than the ones we have'” Yes, of course we do and we want the best for our children. Therefore, you should try and look inside yourself for the sources of this healthy, positive, effective and motivating parenting that we want to transmit to our children. You should learn to express your feelings and emotions, instead of trapping your feelings of frustration and resentment. You shouldn’t have to reject or control your emotional states whatever they may be. You should be able to accept them and give them space so that they are integrated and modified in a natural process. The road to self-growth is simple, but it is not easy; it is a job without limits. It is a task for the whole life, but the results are worth the effort that you dedicate. It is possible that for every two steps forward we go one step back, even if we don’t want to. We have to realise that we should try not to overwhelm ourselves as this won’t help us. It is a lot more effective if you appreciate your advances, despite possible emotional relapses or negative actions and reaction and in the unexpected contexts. To be able to bring up your child with some determined positive attitudes towards themselves, others and towards life in general, the parents have to motivate them to recognize and activate these attitudes in themselves. The first thing we have to do is ask ourselves: “Can I help my child develop his education and personality so that I can be an important factor in his life' What can I Do' Can I help him'” We should have a declaration of trust in ourselves and in our children and generate commitment which involves action. We have to modify our own behaviour and the relationships we have with our family and others. As Waldo Emerson claims, our behaviour makes so much noise that it doesn’t allow us to listen to the words that accompany it. Development of parents self-esteem through personal jobs - Break rules Give yourself permission to break traditional rules with yourselves and others; we all have the possibility to improve our way of living and our relationships with others. Direct your life towards more satisfactory changes and targets. - We are changing I am not today what I was yesterday, and I’m not at 5 in the afternoon what I was at 4, the experiences in between have modified me. You need to bear in mind the effects of daily changes, our attitudes, relationships, behaviour and coexistence. Get to know yourself. Assume your own responsibilities; convince yourself that you can be effective and competent managers of your life. If you are open to change you automatically create the opportunity for your children to act themselves and be responsible of their own lives. - Survival mechanisms Protection and defence destined to avoid or reduce the difficulties caused by our environment. However, we should look after and learn to manage our basic non satisfactory survival mechanisms like rebelliousness, feeling the victim, adulation, forced effects to please others, complaining, being quiet, crying, not crying, acting like a man – not letting your emotions show and showing signs of weakness, fear, resentment or shouting to intimidate others. - Love yourself The majority of people love themselves and appreciate themselves, but if people ask you for concrete reasons as to why you appreciate or love yourself, most people find it difficult to answer. We have been taught to combat pride and arrogance and therefore we don’t praise ourselves. The goal is to neutralize and deactivate the conditions that people demand from us. Find modesty, recognise and develop our own identity and the divine essence that we imagine. - Accept yourself Accept yourself how you are, with honesty and without the sense of blame, embarrassment, the feeling of being insufficient, false pride, arrogance or frustration. Accept yourself, it is necessary to know yourself, look at the past and the present and try to invent a more satisfactory future. We often do things and we have emotions that, we consciously consider without sense. We react with anxiety or discomfort, we are unhappy with ourselves and with the way we act and think. Our “interior child” reacts and rebels against the adult perspective that wants to grow and develop. If we want to appreciate our worth and importance, we have to try to appreciate what already exists. However, when it is our turn to act we find ourselves blocked by our own previous survival mechanism. That is why there are people that are very effective at work but are completely negative with family relationships, where their attitudes are completely different. - Creative thinking Positive thinking, recognising opportunities to create contexts to escape from our limitations and conditions. If I think I can’t do it, my creative thought which looks for solutions, creation of voluntary formulas will not only not activate, but it will not show either. In its place there will be a creative feeling with a negative character, which is what convinces me that I can not and continues in the same unsatisfactory space in which I found myself. We are not used to considering ourselves as the cause of our life, a factor that stops us using all the energy when carrying out what we want to achieve. We begin to think why and how. We consider pros and cons, we are plagued with doubts and we end up not trying and not achieving anything. - Interpreting the present based on the past This highlights the importance of living the here and now, and not remaining in the past or being anxious of the future. We are influenced but not conditioned by the past. We submerge ourselves in the memories of the past or in the dreams of the future, we enjoy and wear out the happiness of the moment. We can try and reinterpret the past by building roots for the future. Make a reinterpretation of the past from our actual situation. In stead of ignoring it by blocking out any unpleasant moments helps us to deactivate from our current perspective the possible negative events of the past. Reconstructing our past helps to motivate us create a present or future how we like, instead of trailing behind a reality that doesn’t satisfy or motivate us. - Assuming our own personality Being responsible of our own lives, of our own actions, interpretations, reactions and attitudes. Our first responsibility is to clarify what our values are, which ones we can use and which are obstacles. Make a balance, from there start closing previous processes. This is one of the basic actions in our self-growth. Don’t let bygones be bygones but get clarity of your bank accounts, debts and bills. Re-evaluate things: I am a self-realizing human being and I realise that everything is worth more when I place it in a positive context. Self-esteem and self-realization Knowing what you are worth and how important you are. Knowing your responsibilities and what you want to do with your life. Often, self-realization is confused with selfishness and self-indulgence. However, it is the opposite. You can use it to open up to others, to become more responsible of your own actions and relationships. You form a positive concept of yourself in relation to others and the responsibility of your own actions and relationships. However, you can not teach your children what you don’t know. You can only do this if you consider yourself as your own educator. Everybody is valuable, important and responsible for the fact that you are a human being. You all have the capacity to make your own decisions and accept the responsibility of your actions. Fundamental values of self-esteem a) What we are worth It has been proved that if we want, we are capable of improving, learning and progressing in all directions. We are all potential geniuses, according to the environment or field that motivates or interests us; we have the possibility to start being a genius at any moment or stage in our life. b) Our importance We are all unique; we need to be conscious of how important we are, this means we have to realize that as we are being human beings created with a likeness to God, we have the capacity to make a difference not only in our lives but also with our relationships with others. c) Our responsibility What we are worth and how important we are doesn’t only make us what we are, it implies our capacity and disposition to assume the responsibility of our growth, evolution, how we act in life and the results that we achieve. Being responsible means we are capable of creating situations that allow us to act in a beneficiary way for ourselves and for others. If we know that we are important, that we are worth something and that we are able to do things, we will act from a space of freedom, autonomy and we will act with responsibility. Components of self-esteem The components that give our children a sense of self-esteem are: security, self-concept, the feeling of belonging, motivation and competence. Security Feeling secure helps a person’s self-esteem. It helps motivate. It derives from the recognition of success, freedom, appreciation, self-concept and being accepted. A child should experience an environment of love, acceptance and understanding as soon as he is born. This allows the child to follow his natural development impulses and gives him security based on his own experiences and on his parent’s reinforcement. When a child doesn’t feel sufficiently accepted, understood or loved, his development process will be repressed, not only his physical development but also his mental development. The confidence he has in himself will be deeply affected. A child needs some clear behavioural rules, so that he knows what is expected of him as part of the family. He needs to know the basic rules of coexistence which apply to all of the family. Giving contradictory messages can take away a child’s confidence and ability to act naturally. The parents have to agree on the family rules and inform their children the rules and let them know what is expected of them. The child needs to be able to trust his parents and not be subject to abrupt mood swings or changing attitudes within the family. The child needs the security of knowing what he can and can’t do, with the aim of developing his sense of responsibility. 1.A. Characteristics of an insecure child He feels very timid He finds it difficult to separate from people or situations that protect him. He is a nervous character: he bites his nails, sucks his thumb, plays with his hair, trembles and cries. Stress means he wets the beds, he suffers stomach and head aches, he sweats a lot, he has skin irritations and he is generally a nervous person. He resents authority because of the abuse he has suffered. He plays up to the fact that he was a “victim” and this makes him feel relieved: he is not responsible, it is the environment or others. He is disorientated, he doesn’t know what is expected of him, and he is confused. He believes there isn’t any justice towards him and everything that he does. He tries not to experience new things, as in the past he has been punished for all the decisions he made. Therefore, he decides not to do anything as he doesn’t want to be punished. He finds it difficult to accept change. Change makes him nervous and frightened. He finds it difficult to maintain eye contact with others or to have physical contact with others. Doing these things remind him of the fear that he suffered when he looked at his parents. He is not used to receiving hugs or affection. He rejects the orders that people give him because he recognises the risk or effort which he considers excessive. He doesn’t accept the concept of delayed gratification as this makes him loose confidence in his ability to succeed. Characteristics of a secure child He usually: Feels open to change. Feels comfortable with receiving physical contact from the people he loves. Feels comfortable taking risks and looking for alternatives. Doesn’t have problems when couples split up, as long as it is explained to him and he realises the reasons for the separation. Has a trusting relationship with people he knows. Accepts assessment and evaluations that he receives. He speaks openly about his difficulties, always thinking about a solution. Forgives unfairness looking for the solution or a way to repair the consequences. Is open to mutual and respectful interaction with others. Is aware of what is expected from him, and if not, tries to find out. Possible ways to improve a child’s sense of security Revise the house and school rules which don’t seem adequate. The rules should be clear and discussed with the child so that he feels they are fair. Determine new rules which give the child access to acting freely in situations without reprimand. Create contexts in which the child enhances his self-esteem and security. Give him the opportunity to show his creativity and show him that people rely on him and that he is capable of facing and resolving situations, conflicts and problems with the means and resources he has. Propose reference models that allow him to feel happy about himself. Don’t compare him to others as this will make him feel as though he is not worth a lot. Show him reference models with the intention of learning new ways of acting. Show him you have faith and confidence in him. Make the child understand and accept that you can learn from mistakes. Immediate acknowledgement if the child does something positive that we have asked him to do. When you praise your child for something, you need to make it very clear that your appreciation for his behaviour is not the reason for your affection. You love him for what he is and not for what he does, although this does reinforce your affection. Stimulate the child so that he makes ambitious but possible plans. Plans that he visualises as if they were a dream but without expectations, without the need to fulfil them, because if he thinks he has to fulfil them this could produce frustration. Motivate him to act from the perspective that he can and that if he doesn’t achieve it, it doesn’t matter. He will always learn from his new ambitions. Make the child from a young age realise the importance of being and acting yourself. Highlight and accept as a positive thing, we are all in a world of constant change, whether we like it or not. Everyone can modify the quality of their changes and the rhythm of their own life. Self esteem or sense of identity This refers to the image that the child forms of himself, or the mental associations that the child acquires when he refers to himself. These associations derive from the way the child has been treated in the past. His emotional reactions and the conclusions he forms about himself depend on his interpretation of his experiences and the situations he has experienced from childhood. From a young age, a child creates strategies on how to live, which will possibly accompany him throughout life. The way parents act towards their kids motivates, forms and reinforces these strategies. The child builds a behaviour, defence and survival system, according to the way his parents act towards him. In the future, these systems will allow the child to overcome the suffering or discomfort of negative situations. If the child has been treated with affection and as someone important, if he has been respected, if he has been helped to realise his skills and if the parents have dedicated the necessary attention to him, his self-esteem will be positive. First of all he will feel important with his family and at school and in life after that. Having self-esteem acts as a type of injection against the impact of adversaries. There will be good and bad moments in life, but self-esteem will always be there to assume the good and bad moments. The child that has been considered as a person that is learning, instead of as a potential person, will have a positive self-esteem. The child that hasn’t had this opportunity will usually base his self-esteem on the opinion of others for his whole life. He will find it very difficult to accept himself how he is and he will be constantly trying to improve without external pressure. His life and his growth depend on whether he dares to improve. Characteristics of a child with limited self-esteem He has an excessive desire to please others. His survival mechanism makes him adopt other people’s interest to avoid possible difficulties and suffering. He feels uncomfortable with his physical appearance. He thinks of beauty treatments as an important element and remembers possible negative commentaries that he has received in the past. This leads him to over value negatively any defect or physical imperfection. He uses excuses and lies to justify his behaviour. He feels uncomfortable accepting compliments: he denies or reduces their importance. He has been taught how to show modesty, however he knows that it is not good to be self-important and confuses self-appreciation with being eccentric. He finds it difficult to express feelings or emotions. He responds this way because his feelings were never considered during childhood: you shouldn’t cry, be afraid, show weakness, etc. He dresses in an eccentric way or too modest; his mechanism causes him to be rebellious or excessively modest. He wants to attract attention or reject it: in both cases it is because he believes he is not worth it. He complains about others, this is a defence mechanism, the fear of assuming the responsibility of his own actions. He feels like a victim, the child gives himself an excuse for his deficiencies and his lack of success. He is hyper –sensitive, he feels instantly attacked and overwhelmed when anything happens to him. He feels and complains about his job being too much and that he can’t continue in this way. He doesn’t try or worry. He discounts it. He believes that he’s not worthy or that he can’t handle the challenge, he reinforces his negative self-esteem. He shows symptoms of not believing that he could be the cause of his own life, he feels that what happens to him is the effect of others and of the circumstances, more than his own perception and decision. He acts with the illusion of superiority which limits his efficiency to carry out any action as he considers it under his level. He has a very limited knowledge of himself, realising who he really is would make him clash with his own negative and insufficient self-esteem and his mechanism protects him from frustrations, disenchantment and disillusions. He acts having copied other people’s roles or imaginary roles, without looking at himself and his own capacities. He is prone to criticise himself and receive criticism from others. This attitude gives him an excuse for the lack of satisfaction in his life and in his relationships. Characteristics of children with a high self-esteem They know who they can trust and they trust only them. They have trusted in their parents from a young age and their parents have spoken to them about all types of situations and experiences. They are confident and therefore, they don’t find it difficult to accept when changes occur e.g. when a couple splits up. They know that life is full of ups and downs and that they have to integrate them into their own life. They feel comfortable with all types of change as they are prepared to take their own responsibilities. They are open to making decisions, run risks and act in order to achieve results. They are not afraid of other people’s criticisms as they know who they are, what they want and what they can achieve with the resources they have. Ways to develop your children's self-esteem Parents have to learn not to condition their affection for their children. The way the parents act is part of the child’s education and growth process and mutual love should not interfere. If the children perceive unconditional love, they will feel secure and loose the feeling of anxiety caused by the fear of not being sufficiently valued. This allows them to behave with the belief that whatever happens, they will be loved and appreciated as always. Take time to listen to your children. It is important to try and understand what they want to say with their verbal and non verbal language without the interference of distrust or pre-concepts. Make the child know what he is worth and give him constant reinforcement to enhance his self-esteem and confidence in himself. The best way to do this is by using specific actions. Make the child recognize from the results that he has achieved, what his skills are and convince him that he can, he knows, he is capable and he is worth a lot. Take advantage of all opportunities to underline that the child is under constant development. He is on the route he has chosen and he can modify his route if he wants. Remind him of important dates like birthdays and anniversaries of events that are important for him. Make a note of when he advances, something he says and don’t let good actions go unseen. Organize a diary for your children so that your can dedicate each child a few extra minutes a week the more the better. Make the child reflect on himself, his characteristics and his possibilities as a person. It is very important to be free of fear to look for your identity and know yourself well. Clarity on who you are, is the most efficient. Don’t label your child. Instead of you need to get used to describing his behaviour. “He is a child acting badly”. Behaviour can be judged, corrected and it helps us learn. Use praise with as much details as possible and focus the praise on positive and constructive remarks. Listen carefully, asking for clarification, paraphrasing. Always be emphatic. Don’t tell the child specifically what he should do unless he asks you. Try to get him to discover the possible solutions to any problem. Accept what the child thinks without telling him how to do it. Strike up conversation to allow him to decide his future actions, using his own confidence. Show sympathy with phrases like , These phrases help the child to feel that he is listened to and understood. They also validate his feelings and emotions. Teach the child words that symbolize his feelings so that he finds it easier to express himself. Play games with the child, execute jobs and in general, get him to make the decisions about how you spend your time together. Sense of belonging The feeling of being accepted by others and most importantly by your family. If a child feels like he is accepted and loved at home, he will find it a lot easier to socialize and integrate into other groups. Parents hold the key to their child’s ability to relate to others. Creating a family atmosphere where people share, participate, play and work together reinforces the sense of the family as a group. Children are made aware that participating means sharing the good and the less good and that this is the base in order to be accepted in any context. A good instrument of cohesion and support can be to name one member of the family to be the centre of attention for one day. This consists of everyone talking to this person in a flattering way and the leader choosing what they are going to eat that day, what games they are going to play together, what they are going to talk about, etc. In this type of atmosphere, children learn how to be active, how to share, support, contemplate their desires with the interest of the group and go along with the rules and regulations of the group. How a child with a low sense of belonging behaves He isolates himself from others. He doesn’t take the initiative as he fears rejection. He finds it difficult to start and maintain friendships. He doesn’t have many friends; he avoids feeling rejected or uncomfortable. He tends to relate to objects or animals instead of people. He is arrogant and sarcastic. He doesn’t collaborate and he tries to attract other people’s attention. He acts in an extreme way as he doesn’t want to face rejection. To attract attention he often boasts about things that are not true or things that have been over-valued, the “child inside him” remembers that having done this in the past he gained his parents attention. He tries to influence others or control them. He prefers competition to co-operation or collaboration. He has a tendency to criticize instead of appreciating himself and others. A child with sense of belonging He shares the concept of collaboration and friendship. He is capable of starting interpersonal contact with the people that he wants to relate to. He shows sensitivity and understanding to others. He shows skills to cooperate and share. He feels comfortable in a group. He is accepted by others and he wants to be part of a group. He shows a positive and open social attitude. He feels valued by others. He accepts people as they are, without trying to control them, although he is open to give support and feedback for all those that ask. Possible measures to help children feel like they belong 1. Tell the child that everyone has to try and be accepted by others. 2. Convince them that they have everything they need, that they have nothing to fear. This usually reduces the fear they have to relate to others. 3. Motivate the child to share his ideas and points of view within a group. 4. Create contexts so that he learns how to be a leader, this distracts fear, anxiety and the feeling of embarrassment, blame and lack of personal value. 5. Look for opportunities in which the child can help others in a natural way. 6. Create an atmosphere based on accepting. Anxiety reinforces fear and therefore increases, at the same time, the fear of being rejected by others. 7. Motivating the children so that they share details of their personal life, if they want. Let them speak about their personal objects that are important to them and why. Let them talk about their colleagues that have similar interests to theirs. Play group games, enjoy yourselves together without any competition. Feeling motivated and full of purpose This feeling pushes people to act in a determined way and to propose specific, effective, concrete and reachable objectives. A person with self-esteem knows what he wants to achieve and he finds out how to do it in the short, medium and long term. His energy is directed at specific tasks and he feels satisfied when he achieves what he originally proposed. Having lack of direction and purpose subtracts motivation from making a real effort to carry out objectives, as the person isn’t necessary convinced. Parents can motivate their children to act in a specific way by showing them confidence. The expectations that a father has for each of his children varies. Sometimes these expectations respond only to desires and to preconceptions. Often, these expectations are the reflections of paternal frustration from their childhood. The parents transfer to their children, the desires that they had as children. Expecting too much can overwhelm the child and harm his self-esteem if he doesn’t manage to fulfil his parent’s requirements. This type of situation can leave the child frustrated and with a high sense of negative insufficiency. Sometimes the parent’s expectations on one of their children can cause jealously amongst the brothers and sisters and harm their self-esteem. It is good for parents to want their children to be successful, but the children have to motivate themselves, they need to use their own initiative, creativity, effort, interest and personal success and not act just because their parents ask them of expect it of them. A child will always put a lot of effort into his objectives when he knows that his parents have faith in him and his capacity to reach his objectives. Characteristics of a child with little motivation and no purpose 1. He doesn’t show any initiative. He does what is expected of him without taking any risks. 2. He often seems bored as he doesn’t look for alternatives or solutions. 3. He doesn’t have any objectives therefore he doesn’t have any results. 4. He often asks himself: why should I bother if I am not interested' 5. He feels useless and incapable; he looks for attention by screaming and moaning – this makes him feel comfortable. 6. He rarely carries out, in a satisfactory way, his school work or homework, etc. 7. He feels like he isn’t capable of doing things, therefore, he doesn’t think it is worth trying. 8. He finds it difficult to make his own decisions. If there isn’t enough motivation, it’s not work making a decision. 9. He doesn’t worry about the quality of the work that he does. 10. He doesn’t assume his responsibilities and he usually blames his mistakes on others or on the circumstances. 11. He is reactive instead of being proactive. His way of thinking means he doesn’t take the initiative and therefore doesn’t come across any difficulties. A child with a feeling of purpose and motivation 1. He has a good sense of direction – he knows where he wants to go and how to act. 2. He feels motivated to undertake new activities, to look for solutions and alternatives. 3. He makes decisions and starts new projects and activities when he considers it necessary. 4. He creates his own contexts where he can use his skills. 5. He takes responsibility of his actions and recognises the results and the consequences of them. 6. He is open to opportunities that are presented to him and he provokes them. 7. He creates realistic objectives and works towards them. 8. He is pro-active instead of being reactive. This means he creates and acts spontaneously according to his convictions and motivations instead of limiting himself to responding to external stimulation. 9. He is conscious that he is in a learning process and he doesn’t get disheartened when he makes mistakes or experiences failure. Action Points to motivate our children 1. Create context and situations that enhance the child’s security, self-concept and sense of belonging. 2. Favour situations in which the child can discover himself by doing things well and worthy of praise. 3. Find out from the child: What doesn’t satisfy him. What motivates him. If he is spontaneous or responds to being victimised or to a family rebellion. What makes him think that he can’t do certain things that he’s not going to be successful. What makes him give up easily and what makes him make a big effort to achieve results. Action points: 1. Create contexts in which the child realises the advantages of delayed gratification. This is giving up to immediate satisfaction to achieve more satisfactory results in the long run. 2. Find out what your child wants to do in life. There’s no doubt that your child has needs and desires which sometimes he is not aware of. You can use the dynamics of a group and games, in which the child can dream and visualize himself doing a specific job, with certain tasks, achieves results, attention and admiration. 3. Use the “only today” technique to avoid anxiety and motivate the child to try out things that he wants to achieve: only today am I going to do this job, only today am I going to make this effort. Tomorrow repeat the dose. 4. Give your child the possibility to motivate himself by recognizing and praising his positive results. 5. Using personal examples explain to your child the importance of sending himself positive messages which allow him to disqualify negative situations. 6. Generate collaboration and mutual support at home and at school, so that the child feels motivated and it is in his interest to show off to his family members and/or school friends collaborating in common tasks. 7. Organize your child’s time – have a diary of activities. Use colours, a different colour per activity. Instead of mentioning the activity, mention the colour to indicate the task. 8. Make your children realize that what they are doing is important. Acknowledge that what they are doing is not easy and the fact that they are trying means something. Don’t disregard success, but recognise it and praise it in a specific way. 9. Express and verbalize immediate reinforcement after a success. Recognized successes, although small, can help increase motivation. 10. Reduce anxiety using the game as a learning instrument and motivation. 11. Make sure you don’t loose your confidence in your child even if your child experiences total or partial failures in the stages he is growing. We all have potential to grow without a limit. 12. You can make posters of recognition at the end of the day or week, for activities that your child has carried out well. 13. Every month organize some group interactions to get a personal evaluation. Discuss whether there has been a change in attitude or behaviour at home, at school, with your child’s relationships with others, with himself. This will get your child used to doing a personal analysis which will make them know themselves and make conscious decisions. 14. Show you trust your child 15. Help your child to fix ambitious but realistic objectives, ones that he can achieve. 16. Encourage your child’s interests, talents and activities with drawing, playing games, commitments, exchanges, reflection, relaxation, physical and mental group or individual exercise. 17. Organize a prize system that serves as a supplementary incentive project for actions carried out. 18. Don’t consider failure as something negative but as an opportunity to learn and practice. Sense of personal competence You need to feel that you are sufficiently prepared and ready to face up to any situation that presents itself. You need to feel that although you don’t know all of the answers you can look for them and find them. This gives you the “feeling of power” which you get from your own knowledge and positive experiences. A child acquires this sense of power when he learns to resolve for himself a certain number of problems and conflicts that present themselves. This is the consequence of making decisions which lead him to satisfactory results. He finds out where to find the resources that he needs, he learns how to use them, how to find out the relevant information and how to make good use of it. You need to be careful that you don’t over protect your children in conflictive situations. You need to encourage them to face up to risks and overcome them on their own. It is important that children become independent as soon as possible. An unfortunate route to take is one when the parent doesn’t worry about their child or the parent doesn’t pay any attention to their child and thus he abandons his own initiative; on the contrary, there are parents that overprotect their children, without making them feel the necessary affection, moral support, recognition and feedback that allows them to confront possible mistakes which form part of the learning curve instead of considering them failures. Many children, the weakest, give up and loose interest. Others, the most equipped, manage to motivate themselves, although they develop a survival system which means they separate from others and reject other people’s collaboration and support. A third route, equally as negative, is setting your children overwhelming tasks. Often parents that have these demands aren’t even available to help their children to fulfil these objectives. There is a route that allows the development of a child’s competence, security, motivation and self concept. There are also various routes for the parents to help their children with this route. One of these routes is to encourage your child making him see that he is capable of learning and acting in the correct way in different situations. Always make sure that you support him, give him feedback and encouragement. This way, the child will feel capable and independent but he will know that if he asks his parents for help, they are available to help him at any time he asks. Learning to ask is another factor to consider. You need to know how to say no, if we think this is the best for the child. If it is necessary, you need to say no openly and give specific reasons with a dialogue so that he understands. Doing this the child checks the support and confidence that his parents have in him and in his capacities. Once the child has finished the task, it is important to check that he has been done well and recognize the effort, intention and skills shown; there is always a detail which he can concentrate on to make his effort more effective. As a result the child will feel proud of the job that he has done. He will recognize the value of finishing a task. This in turn will cause: A more positive self-concept. The child to make new objectives as he realises that he is able to face up and solve problems. The capacity to recognize and use the means and resources at hand in a more effective way. Prove that he has the moral support and confidence of his parents when he needs it. The child to be more certain of himself, feel more secure not only as a person but also as a member of the group. The development of his sense of personal competence. He will feel motivated to re-start the process every day, without fearing failure. As he has been capable of resolving a problem, failing on the second occasion doesn’t seem so threatening for his self-concept and less still on successive occasions. Children with lack of competence They usually have the following characteristics: Excessive dependency on adults – as he not only thinks but believes he alone doesn’t know anything. He doesn’t have any sense of creativity or independent personal action. He believes that success depends on luck and the help of others. He doesn’t accept small positive progress; he considers this progress insufficient to modify his confidence in himself. He doesn’t understand why there should be alternative ways to do something. He worries about the future instead of acting in the present. He gives in easily as he doesn’t have any faith in himself. He lacks the sense that you can learn from your mistakes. He often uses phrases like “I can’t” etc not only with himself but also when talking to people. He lacks the sense that he can ask for help and support from others. He refuses to contribute his ideas and opinions, as he tells himself that they aren’t worthy, that others aren’t interested in them. He doesn’t dare run any risks; he already has enough problems with his insufficiency. He takes all success and deeds for granted, not only his own but other people’s too. Sometimes envy invades him because he is not capable of doing as well as others. He finds it difficult to accept his and other people’s weaknesses and he does not express his ideas or opinions. He doesn’t get involved in jobs or tasks as he fears failure or making mistakes. As a result he ends up isolating himself and missing opportunities. He finds it difficult to recognize his skills as not recognizing them gives him justification for bad results. Saying that he is not able to do something, seems less dangerous than failing to do something and then feeling bad because of it. He doesn’t know how to loose and as a result does not have a good sporting spirit. He often shows his frustration, resignations, challenges and non constructive dreams. A competent child Looks for challenges and risks; he looks at what he can learn in every context. Is conscious of his skills, virtues and weaknesses and accepts his weaknesses as opportunities to grow. Feels motivated to act successfully in situations that he considers important and he uses his initiative to achieve successful results. Shares his likes, ideas and opinions with others, believing that they are interesting. Is interested in sharing with others and learning from them. Shows his sporty side and accepts mistakes and defeats as a sign to learn from them. Looks for collaboration instead of competitiveness. He recognizes when he is successful, as people praise him and he is capable of speaking positively about his achievements, without fearing that others will consider him vain or arrogant. Creating a positive sense of competition in your child Positive measures to help your child develop a positive competitive streak. Give your child the opportunity to achieve something that he didn’t think possible. Help your child to look for the best use of his personal resources. Provoke situations so that you can reinforce and continuously support your child. Help your child discover which of his own resources he can use in different action areas. Give your child positive feedback on concrete things that he has satisfactorily carried out. Organize role plays so that your child learns and understands what it is like to be an explorer, artist, judge, teacher, etc. Organize tasks that make your child think at a different level. Take advantage of any situation to ensure that your child overcomes feelings of incompetence and becomes dynamic and confident in himself. Your child needs to know that he can learn from any piece of information, situation or context. Organize reinforcing games like creating a relationship where the members have certain qualities (like those of your child) plus others. Later read out the qualities. At the end compare the positive characteristics which your child has given each character with his own. Organize small get-togethers after school for the children to celebrate certain events; successful team work, winning a football game, someone’s birthday and create in your child the role of host. Give certificates for actions that you are proud of. Everyone likes to receive certificates for different things. The characteristics and measures suggested for any of the 5 components, although they have been indicated, form a child’s perspective and can be applied to ourselves and to our relationships with the child inside us. The child inside us is the part of us that for whatever reason, still hasn’t matured. It remains blocked in its maturing process to now be used as a survival mechanism adopted, reinforced and modified in childhood. The child inside us provokes childish reactions when we are adults and it needs to be recognised, thought about and integrated into our personality. This process is the process of personal growth. The work that we carry out with our children so that they can reach an adequate level of self-esteem, represents a positive time to work and achieve results; personal self development in ourselves. It is a way for all of us to enter into a stage where we mutually support and motivate in order to create a more correct direction in our lives. Positive attitudes and Self-care Phrases that promote positive attitudes: Very good, I knew you could. I’m sure you are capable. I don’t doubt your good intention. John thinks highly of you. If you need something, ask me. I know you didn’t mean to do it. I’m very proud of you. You know I love you lots. I know you are good. I congratulate you on what you have done. When you need me, I’ll help you. I’ve noticed that you’re getting better every day. I believe in what you have said. You know I want the best for you. You deserve the best. You can achieve whatever you want. Your next results will be better. Self-care a) How to implement (Garma 1999) Self-care has some principals which should be taken into consideration: It is an act of life which allows people to convert into subjects of their own actions. Therefore, it is a voluntary process of the person acting for themselves. It should be a philosophy of life and an individual responsibility intimately linked to daily life and the experiences people have lived. At the same time, it should be founded in a formal and informal support system as are the social and health systems. It is a social practice that implies a certain amount of knowledge and elaboration. It gives way to interchangeable and individual relationships. b) Promoting self-help So that people look after themselves on a daily basis, they need to include the following strategies: Develop self-esteem and generate levels of strength or empowerment, as strategies that are at the advantage of internalization of powerlessness. They should favour the sense of personal control and develop skills of personal motivation to change the personal and social conditions in favour of health. On the other hand, upon powering the self-esteem you are powered to self-stating, self-valuating, self-recognition and self-expression all aspects which favour integral development. Involve the dialogue of knowledge, which allows you to identify, interpret and understand the logic and the dynamics of the world in people’s life whilst they are discovering and understanding its rationality, sense and meaning. Being able to articulate it with scientific logic and give off a clarified vision of the illness and of the health which translates to healthy behaviour. Explore and understand the ruptures that exit between knowledge, attitudes and practice and configure action plans that make harmony viable between cognition and behaviour. The health agents should look after themselves as a daily process. If they live healthily, self care will be promoted. Contextualize self-care; that is to say, choose a direction which agrees with the characteristics of the person’s gender, ethnic and human cycle. It is important to understand that everybody has a life story with values, beliefs, learning’s and different motivations. Generate participating processes; the promotion of self-care should include a more active and informed participation of the people in the care of their own health. They need to understand that participation is a process within which the community assumes for itself the care of themselves and of the atmosphere that surrounds them, direction the sensibilization to increase the level of control and commitment on the health of the people that offer the health services and those that receive it. Self-care means learning to participate in society, in its dynamic, using their characteristics and specific conditions in a determined moment and to take positions in front of social demands. The knowledge learned through the socialization support the daily thought, the construction of alternatives, the motivations, the actions and every day decisions. The health agent should look for time to think and discuss what the people know, live and feel in the different life and health situations with which he can identify how to practice favourable, unfavourable and innocuous self-help, through an educative process of reflection-action, a return to practice to transform it. Ways to improve a family’s self-esteem a) Availability Dedicate time (which is what we don’t always have) to attend to your children, wife or husband. With teenagers, for example, you can’t say, “we’ll talk about this calmly on Saturday”, as Saturday will be too late. By Saturday, your 13 year old daughter will already have got drunk with a friend and will be awaiting the consequences of her actions – all because her father was unavailable to talk to her. You need to be available, because there are problems which can only be sorted out in a determined moment when someone wants to put their point across and be listened to. Remember that when our parents die, they leave us with memories of the times that they spent with us. b) Communication between parents-children. Parents should speak less and listen more. In many families, when the mother or father say, “son, we have to talk”, the child thinks, “oh no, what have I done'” Why' Because the child knows that when his mother or father says “we have to talk” they really mean “we are going to have an argument about something that you have done and I don’t approve of”. This would change if the parents aimed to: dedicate 75% of the time to listening and only 25% to speaking. Listening to your children (or spouse or anyone) is an active effort. You have to miss the news, lower the TV volume, turn your head to look at the person speaking, look them in the eyes, and show that you are listening. This is active listening, which is what helps to improve your family’s self-esteem. c) Consistency from the parents and self demand in your children You are coherent when what you think, feel, say and do is one and the same thing. It doesn’t make sense to order the children to “help mum to clear up the table” when you are sitting on the sofa. You need to first give the example. You have to clear the table for 5 days, so that your children see you. The fifth day you tell your children: “let’s do it together”. Two days later: “I’m proud of you, now you have learned you can clear the table on your own”. They will then feel proud of clearing the table. This way, they learn to demand from themselves, which is a lot better than watching over them 24 hours a day. We also ask the children to study but, do they see us studying, reading magazines about our trade, finding out about our speciality' We need to be able to say: “look children, we also study'” d) Have initiative, worries and be in a good mood, especially with your spouse These three factors are useful for the family’s self-esteem. In Spain, people are generally in a good mood. However, routine is an enemy in a relationship between husband and wife and with their children. The key is to ensure creativity and initiative in a couple’s life and this will, in turn, spread to the whole family. The best hours should be the time you spend with your husband or wife. Becoming a father or mother should not make us forget that we are “you and I, us”. Creativity and initiative protect the couple from routine. When there’s routine, it is easy for one of the members in the relationship to look for “magic” outside of the relationship, in other relationships. On the contrary, if the couple is happy, the children learn “sentimental education” simply seeing how mum and dad treat each other, seeing how they admire each other, flatter each other and praise each other. They are accomplices. A typical thought of an enthusiastic child is, “when I’m older I will treat my wife like dad treat mum”. This gives them self-esteem. e) Accept our limitations You need to know and accept your limitations, those of your partner, and those of your children. It is very important not to criticize your partner in front of the family, not criticize your son in front of his brothers or sisters, comparing them to the “good” and the “bad”. This makes the child suffer and takes away some of his self-esteem. It is best to talk to each child on his own. f) Recognize and re-confirm a person’s values Be sincere: it doesn’t make sense to call our child a “champion” if he has never won anything. If he has lost a football match, don’t call him a champion. He has to lean how to tolerate frustration which goes with loosing. We also need to know, adults and children that we are good at certain things and bad at others. “Son you are good at A and B but I don’t think C is your forte”. Doing this, we reconfirm what he is good at and he will see himself as he is a valuable person. g) Stimulate your personal autonomy A person becomes a good person by doing good things. It is important that children understand this. Therefore, it is important to: do good things as they make us good. This concept helps us to have personal autonomy, do things for ourselves to improve ourselves. h) Design a personal project You won’t go very far if you don’t know where you want to go. Staying still is not an option, as one tends to go backwards. You need to have a personal project in order to grow, and attend and help to distinguish and promote your projects. i) Have a high level of aspiration, but be realistic. We need to play with what is possible and what is desirable. If we aspire something people will value us, we will have self-esteem, but is it practicable' We should consider a high level of aspiration with the reality of our capacities and resources. j) Choose good friends Individualism is the cancer of the XXI century. We and our kids are tied to machines: the DVD, TV, video console, Internet….As we work alone so our true friendships decrease. Friends compromise a great deal and an individualist doesn’t like compromise! However, we need human friends, good friends more than ever. People we can spend lots of hours with, people we can have sincere and close conversations with, true friends that support us. We need friends that really know us, that accept our errors and promote our positive features. Selecting friends is a good investment. A family that tries to follow these principles contributes to improving their children’s self-esteem and their own self-esteem. There are 3 main ideas to consider: According to Chesterton, we need to understand that self-esteem, love, being loved is supernatural. Have you thought about how God loves you' Think about it. You are very special for him. When you experience this love, tell your children about it. A good portion of useless suffering is produced because sometimes when we should be trying to think, we start feeling; and on occasions instead of feeling, we start to think. We can avoid this useless suffering: there are moments to think and moments to feel. If you fight, you can loose, but if you don’t fight you have already lost. If you fight for your family life, you aren’t lost. How to improve self-esteem It is necessary to know how we work, that’s to say, we need to know what are strong and positive aspects are. Once we are aware of these aspects, we can decide which aspects we wish to improve and which we would like to reinforce. The action plan to change determined characteristics should be realistic and reachable in a certain time period (for example, our age is unchangeable, our height is another factor which we can hardly change, etc) That’s to say, we have characteristics that we have to accept and live with. We should try and see them in a positive light. Here are some ways to improve self-esteem: 1. Don’t idealize others. 2. Evaluate your qualities and defects. 3. Change what you don’t like. 4. Control your thoughts. 5. Don’t obsessively look for other’s approval. 6. Take control of your life. 7. Face problems without delay. 8. Learn from your mistakes. 9. Practise new behaviour. 10. Don’t demand too much. 11. Give permission. 12. Accept your body. 13. Look after your health. 14. Enjoy the present. 15. Be independent. Music Therapy Music therapy is used to help people with health and educative problems as it helps them improve their physical, psychological, intellectual or social functioning. A more detailed description can be found on musicterapia.com Music therapy can be defined as “…a process of systematic intervention, in which the therapist helps the patient to improve their health through musical experiences” (Bruscia 1998). Music therapy is used with children, adults and old aged pensioners with different physical, emotional, intellectual or social problems. It is also used on people that aren’t ill or that aren’t looking to improve their personal well being, to develop their creativity, improve their learning, to improve their interpersonal relationships and to manage stress. Music therapy is used on children to improve their self-esteem, attention and concentration, co-ordination, learning and social skills with others. There are currently a great number of scientific investigations that support the use of music therapy with different types of people. Music therapy helps children with: Learning difficulties. Behavioural problems. Deep development disorders (autistic). Mental problems. Socializing difficulties. Low self-esteem. Chronic medical disorders (cancer, heart problems, pain, etc). Adults with: Degenerative illness due to old age (Alzheimer’s amongst others). Substance abuse (adults that are addicted to pharmacies). Brain damage due to illness. Physical incapacities due to degenerative illnesses or accidents. Chronic or serious pain problems due to different conditions (consequence of accident, cancer, etc). Terminal illnesses. People that don’t have health problems can use music to: Reduce stress through playing or listening to music. Support the labour process for women. Increase creating and capacity to solve problems. To decrease anxiety. To improve self-esteem. To manage stress. Music therapy allows people: To explore their feelings. Make positive changes in a person’s emotional state. To develop a sense of control in their lives through successful experiences. Learn to put skills into practice to resolve problems and conflicts. To improve social skills. Things to consider about self-esteem Self-esteem is personal and it changes according to the individual. Having a healthy self-esteem doesn’t depend on age or experience. Everybody creates their self-esteem according to their own personal experiences. Self-esteem is subject to change at any moment throughout life. Self-esteem is not a synonym of success; it is limited by internal circumstantial factors like history and external social factors. It doesn’t only imply self-help, external confirmation of appearance and efficiency but also new goals that are sometimes synonym of new demands. People that have problems with alcohol abuse usually have low self-esteem. Those that feel good about themselves are less likely not to consume an excessive amount of alcohol: they don’t need to turn to alcohol to reassert themselves, explore new experiences as they communicate with assertiveness, managing to integrate into a group. They have realistic goals in the short, medium and long term. One of their self-esteem goals is self-understanding. In front of constant changes and advances, not only technological but scientific, the human being requires a greater number of physiological, psychological, social and educational resources. Self-esteem is considered a psychological resource that contributes to the preservation of one’s biological, psychological and social well being. Self-esteem is an important tool used to help adolescents make decisions that strengthen their health. Self-esteem gives an individual confidence in themselves. Some of the self-esteem components are: self concept, personal efficiency, respect for oneself and of course, love. The self-concept does not only include the knowledge of who someone is, but also the knowledge of what someone wants to be and what they should be. Respect is expressed as something positive in front of needs, rights, feelings and desires. As an adolescent, the youth continues growing and defining his identity, that’s to say, his self-concept. Bibliography Bruscia, KE. Defining Music Therapy, NH: Barcelona Publishers, 1998 Campaña, eduardo y Muñoz, mirtha, 2003; Man and Woman were created ; CLAI, 2003, San José, Costa Ric a. De Angulo José Miguel y Lozada, Luz Estella,1992, Self-esteem and Dignity, MAP Bolivia, Eric, Juan;(1997), About Self-esteem, Universidad Autónoma de México. Freud, Sigmund,1914, Introducción al Narcisismo, Editorial Alianza, Madrid, España F.I.S., Risk, protection and resillience factors, 1997, Fundación de Investigaciones Sociales, México. Gaja Jaumeandreu, Raimon, 2004, Wellbeing, Self-esteem and Happiness, Editorial Norma, Colombia Garma, A. y Elexpuru I, 1999, The self concept in the class room: Recursos para el profesorado. Barcelona: Edebé.España Music therapy- http://www.musicoterapia.com.mx/que_es.html Polaina, Aquilino, http://www.fluvium.org/textos/documentacion/fam200.htm Voli Ferrari, Franco, 1996, Self-esteem For Parents, Editorial San Pablo, España.