Problems_of_Pastoral_Parenting

The Problems in Pastoral Parenting Introduction “How then will they call on Him in whom they have not believed' How will they believe in Him Whom they have not heard' And how will they hear without a preacher' How will they preach unless they are sent'” (Romans 10:14-15a) And, with apologies to the Apostle Paul, if they are sent, but they desist because they are disheartened, are we not back to the beginning – “How will they call on Him…'” Where are they going, and why' And, more to the pastor/parent point, where is that “next generation,” the children of ministers who have been trained up in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6), who have been raised by Godly parents and are proud to follow in their footsteps' The last decades of the twentieth century and the beginning of the twenty-first have witnessed a massive egress of people who have entered the ministry with great hopes and expectations but exit upon finding unexpected trials and disappointments. Southern Baptist evangelist Freddie Gage, founder of a ministry that reaches out to “wounded warriors,” preachers who have reached a stage where they feel unable to continue ministering, states that 6,000 preachers leave the ministry every year in the Southern Baptist convention alone, with 200 pastors being fired every month. Steven Olford reports that, at any point in time, there are at least 70,000 vacant pulpits in the U.S. (Willmore, 2002). Of the thousands of clergy who leave the ministry every year, most cite as a primary reason the pressures of their ministry on their family. Syndicated columnist Terry Mattingly, in writing of the 65 percent increase, over two and a half decades, of divorce among pastors, discloses that eighty percent of those ministers reported a “negative impact” of the ministry on the home, and one third said “the pastorate has been a hazard to their families.” (Zoba, 1997). Research on the clergy’s perceptions of the negative repercussions of ministry is existent, if not abundant. From the perspective of the children of ministers, the “PK,” or “preacher’s kid”, “MK”, “missionary’s kid”, or any other ministerial equivalent thereof, one would be hard pressed to find any serious investigations of the impact of the parent’s ministry. The obstreperous, “wild” PK is such a ubiquitous stereotype that there would be few children of ministers who cannot report the knowing nod and “ah hah” that are the standard responses to the disclosure that one is a “preacher’s kid.” Few are the long-term ministerial families who cannot report one or more “prodigals” who have either fallen short of the expectations of the family or fallen away from the faith and the church entirely. And, while there are studies of high-achieving professionals deriving from ministerial families, at least in the first half of the twentieth century (Campbell, 1997), more current evidence, while primarily anecdotal in nature, indicates that a high number of clergy families experience the opposite effect. Other than a few subjective books and articles in ministry magazines, little real work exists exploring and addressing the challenges of the ministerial family. And, though a clear case will be made that many of those challenges are absolutely unique to the clergy family, one must search diligently to find admonition and guidance in successfully negotiating those challenges. “Research on parental and life satisfaction of clergy families has received even less attention than marital satisfaction. Stephenson (1982) indicated that there was no real benchmark description of parent-child relationships within the clergy family context. Although discussion of life satisfaction has occurred anecdotally in the pastoral care literature, it has not been examined empirically. … Niswander (1982) indicated that satisfaction in parenting has become a challenge for contemporary parsonage parents, who struggle with feelings of inadequacy as they manage the concerns and conflicts (e.g., lack of adequate time, attention) that are often created by dual-career relationships.” (Morris and Blanton, 1994) The dearth of information about, understanding of, and direction in pastoral parenting has had a negative effect on the pastoral family and, inevitably, on the body of Christ as a whole. When the children that God has entrusted to any Christian home do not receive the parenting that He has decreed, a generation of potential leaders is, at best, wounded at the outset and, at worst, eliminated entirely. Nor can the damage to the persons and ministries of the present generation be minimized. “It would be completely safe to say that, without exception, each and every family in our current ministry situation has faced or is currently facing a major tragedy or breakdown within their immediate family … The training of seminary students is not designed to deal with many of these issues, not to the extent that we are facing them.” (Parker & Shafer 1994 p.23) Prof. Larson highlights the lack of adequate training for family ministry as one of the most important messages in the survey (for Clergy Families in Canada). “Clergy do not feel prepared for practical family ministry,” he declares. “That was communicated unambiguously. When students, they were given far to much theology and not enough preparation for earthly reality.’ Prof. Larson says that denominational colleges will ignore this only at great cost.” (Parker & Shafer, 1994, p.23) While it is acknowledged herein that the ultimate goals of parenting in any believer’s family are the same, whether the family is that of the pastor, the music minister, or the person sitting in the last pew, this paper will present an overview of the goals of clergy parenting, the special problems facing the clergy family, and some of the means to those goals. The Goal There are no “goals of parenting” that are specific to ministry parents and not to others. Every good parent wants “good” things for his/her child; health, happiness, fulfillment, success, education, marriage, children. Each well-functioning family devotes time and effort to the acculturation and socialization of its children. Caring, attentive parents do so with the individual differences, talents, strengths, weaknesses, etc., of each child in mind. However, the Christian parent, and, so much more, the clergy parent, must be aware that God has so much more planned for each person than these earthly values. In order to parent God’s way and equip the ministry child for living, one must keep in mind His plan, His eternal purpose, for each child. The Westminster catechism states that “the purpose of man is to worship God and to enjoy Him forever.” If the primary reason for each person’s life is to live, love and grow within the overarching sphere of relationship with God, then the most important gift the parent can give to the child is to equip that child to live “redemptively,” i.e., to live life, watchdogs, fishbowls and all, as a training ground for eternity as a child of God and a joint heir with His son, Jesus Christ. “There is no more consistent, effective learning community than the family. The existence and glory if God, the moral responsibility to love neighbor, and the hope of the Gospel in the face of our sin must be the constant themes that interpret, define, explain, and organize family life. As parents, we must accept our position as God’s primary teachers. It is a high and life-long calling. There is nothing more important that we will ever do. As we follow God’s calling, we will pray for our children what Paul prayed for the Ephesian church; ‘That the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who “11 For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, 12 encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.” (I Thessalonians 2:11) This training ground gives the parent the opportunity to “see the difficult, troublesome problem situations as God-given opportunities to develop a biblical mind…” (Tripp, 1997, p.137) “Spiritual training,” then, is the essence of childrearing. The “eternal purpose” of parenting is to prepare the child to live in this world and the world hereafter as a child of God. The typical aspects of parenting: loving, disciplining, teaching, socializing, providing, will derive naturally from this purpose, but in something of a “holy hierarchy” wherein every aspect of caring for the child is an image of God’s own raising of His children. The parent who is raising his/her children “redemptively;” • establishes as absolute priority the salvation and discipleship of the child • focuses on loving the child as thoroughly as God loves • endeavors to understand the unique needs, qualities and gifts of each child • fosters full usage of those gifts, appropriate provision of those needs, and holy appreciation of those qualities • understands the temporary nature of the “stewardship of parenting,” that God has given children to the parent but for a season, and He has determined which parents are appropriate to the development of His creature, and understand that this stewardship can be accepted or denied, but with absolute accountability to the Creator Himself. Scriptures are rife with references to this aspect of parenting as “redemptive training”: “18 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 19 Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 20 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, 21 so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land that the LORD swore to give your forefathers, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.” (Deuteronomy 11:18-21, NIV) “23 But he brought us out from there to bring us in and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers. 24 The LORD commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the LORD our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today. 25 And if we are careful to obey all this law before the LORD our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness."” (Deuteronomy 6:23-25) : “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. (Proverbs 22:15) “Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them.”(Deuteronomy 4:9) In summary, to train a child to think and behave “redemptively,” to grow to understand his/her place in the eternal plan of God and to grow to effectively fill that place; in other words, “redemptive parenting.”. The Problem Even without the goal of parenting redemptively, being a parent is challenging in the best of circumstances. Volumes of manuals on parenting and child-rearing fill entire sections of libraries and bookstores, both from the secular and psychological communities and from the Christian community. Some of these resources are of value to any parent, including the ministerial parent, because, to some degree, the issues faced by parents are universal. The clergy family would benefit by familiarity with these materials, and a short reading listed of suggested resources is attached in Appendix A. However, some of the impediments to successful parenting in the clergy family are intrinsic to the very nature and calling of the minister. The concerned minister/parent should be alert to these pitfalls and committed to addressing them and preventing their ill effects for his/her family. The list printed here is, undoubtedly, not comprehensive, but is representative of some of these. • A sense of being pulled between the work of the ministry and the family (Blanton, 1992; Cook, 2002; Langford, 1998) is often unavoidable. However, much too often, the ministry takes priority and, at some crucial levels, the child is shortchanged, either in time or attention or even in the amount of prayer the pastor/parent dedicates to the child. One gentleman who has been in the ministry for forty-three years tells young “preacher boys” entering the ministry that the one regret of his life is that he didn’t spend enough time with his children. • Pastors often fall into the trap of burdening their children with too much responsibility for the success or failure of their ministry. Too many preachers’ kids are told that, if they don’t toe some specific line, they’ll ruin their fathers’ careers – an extremely heavy burden to lay on a child. It has been pointed out that the minister-father is “typically very concerned about the impact of his ministry and sometimes slips into the trap of making his children the barometer of his success.” (Parker & Shafer, 1994, p.24) • Although clergy are among the most educated of professionals, they are often not financially compensated commensurate with that education. Thus, most clergy families require both parents to work in order to provide for the family. This leaves the child, who often already feels emotionally neglected in comparison with the rest of the flock, being, in actuality, physically alone, or in the care of non-parental caretakers much of the time. In addition, the child may well learn, by example, that the true focus of life is the career and its rewards, rather than some ephemeral spiritual goal such as “conforming to Christ.” As Gould (1978) points out, “If the only life valued as meaningful for men or women is a work life, then the hazards of both the traditional and the two-career marriage are increased. If a meaningful life is defined as one centered around deep human contact, then the hazards of both life styles are minimized. And in a culture where deep human contact is valued, then parenting a child is not idiot’s work, but one of the most difficult, challenging, demanding and important tasks in life.” . • Although ministry to a church body can be, undeniably, challenging, draining, and exhausting, it is often far easier to deal with the needs and frailties of non-family than those of one’s own family. Ministry absolutely requires a commitment to self-honesty, self-examination, dedication to Godly principles, and self-sacrifice. Successful parenting requires all of the above as well as a recognition of accountability to God Himself for the well-being and growth of the child. Many ministers fail to recognize the degree of commitment necessary to facilitate that growth, while others simply do not believe they have the resources necessary to do both church ministry and parenting. These often delegate the caregiving of the children to the non-clergy parent. In cases, as in the preceding point, where that parent is also involved in a career or simply working to meet family needs, exhaustion may interfere with that parent’s commitment. Then the child is doubly cheated. • In any family, it is tempting to treat all children in the same way, without regard to the individual differences in temperaments and needs of each child. In the stressed and time-crunched clergy family, this lure can be very strong indeed. The Godly parent will endeavor to avoid this trap. • It is, unfortunately, often true that families are centered around one “star” whose purpose subsumes and supercedes that of other family members. In the ministry family, the remainder of the family may be prompted to feel that the really “important” person in that family is the minister, in the eyes of the community and, sometimes, of the minister himself. Other hazards that may confound the unwary pastor/parent are contained in the nature of the relationship between the minister’s family and the church and community. • In most denominations, relocation is a frequent fact of life. Uprooting the family on a regular basis is detrimental to the formation of the ability to develop close relations and to feel tied to a congregation and community, and, should the family ties be “loosened” by any insufficient commitment to the family, the child will have extra obstacles to face in relationship building, sense of competency and self-worth, and in simple coping. • Added to the difficulties faced by the clergy family is the fact that, at this time in our history, perhaps more than ever, there is no inherent respect or benefit accrued to the family by virtue of being “in the service of God.” Most Christian scholars agree that society is in a “post-Christian” state – indeed, even pagan. As well as often finding him/herself the “new kid” in town, in school, on the block, the “preacher’s kid” is more likely than not to be ridiculed and denigrated for simply being the preacher’s kid. A wise parent is prepared for this state of affairs and takes extra measures to assure that the home is a strong haven of time, attention, assurance, love, and prayer. • Finances are often tight in the ministry home. There are high expectations of this family in the community to dress well, behave well, and provide a well-appointed home where parishioners and neighbors alike may be welcome and entertained at all hours. Quite often, there is low income to fund these high expectations. As the PK enters the “outside world” of school and society, he/she may feel inadequately dressed to fit in with peers. The financial strains encountered by the family, if not addressed by the parents as an opportunity to demonstrate God’s sovereignty and provision, can contribute to a decrease or even elimination of faith in the child. • Tight finances, or desires for more material offerings than the ministry often yields, often leads to a two-career marriage in ministry homes. For many clergy couples, this is unavoidable if the basic material needs of the family are to be met. However, a recent trend is for the non-clergy career person to pursue the career outside the home to meet “personal needs,” and, when young, impressionable children are in the home, the message may be that the pursuance of personal desires is more important than the development and formation of the child. This in spite of the fact that Scripture clearly dictates that, even in dealing with the world at large, much less the family, the Christian is to “give preference to one another in honor.” (Romans 12:10b NASV) • The demands of church life and career can be devastating for the child, who may become convinced that he is relatively unimportant in the grand scheme of things, for, after all, if there were importance attached to the children, there would be time, attention, and devotion, as well. “The results of this conflation for the lives of the children may be profound if not potentially disastrous. When family life becomes too much dominated by work and church issues, there is clear and present risk that the children involved will not receive the sheer amount of individual and undiluted attention and care that is required for the normal development of individual identity and a positive self image….Children in such homes are often forced to unheroically comply with the dominant professional and valuational thrust of the family, or to establish their individuality through the avenue of a total revolt from the family of origin.” If the latter is the case, at least the work of establishing an identity will be done. But the child as an adult may then find him or herself cut off from his/her faith at a time of crisis, unable to return to it because that would entail the giving up of the hard-won independence. And if the former is the case, the child may have to postpone his/her identity-building until well into the adult years, when it is much more difficult.” (Sinclair, 1981. p.112-113.) • Another fact of life in modern churches, one that contributes heavily to the massive egress from the ministry cited earlier, is the ‘destructive church,” the church wherein factions have strangleholds and the pastor and his family become the focus/target of power struggles and feuds which may have been in place before even the pastor was born. Many are the PKs who have been wounded by the unjust and ungodly ways in which churches, deacons, and elders have betrayed their parents and by the lack of support that even formerly “friendly” parishioners exhibit. • One preacher’s daughter has said often that being a preacher’s child means having two hundred or more parents at any given time, with each one feeling responsible for the PK behavior. These “watchdogs” may interfere with the clergy parent’s parental responsibilities and be very vocal about expectations for parental discipline, either decrying it as “too much” or, more often, “too little.” Add to that an expectation that the PK must be “perfect,” and the pressure mounts. “People project things onto the minister’s children, too. It takes courage to withstand the conviction that one’s own child – the minister’s child – will be better somehow than everyone else’s. … the risk is of an unknown and uncontrolled parental shadow. He or she might even end up having to live out the shadow of the adults in the house, if they have been unable to come to grips with their own. (Sinclair, 1981. p.72) Growing up with the anticipation of being watched everywhere they go and being reported for everything they do can seriously interfere with the PK’s sense of trust and understanding of the special and holy aspects of the parent/child relationship. • The entire family of the preacher is expected, by at least some church members, to be “super holy.” The children and wife are expected to be at the church each time the doors are open and to participate in every ministry possible, regardless of other personal responsibilities, temperaments, and talents. One author has noted that “PKs tend to have an unusually high rate of church disaffection (and sometimes defection) If … PKs feel they must sing in every church group concert or live flawlessly because they exist in the spotlight … they may want to escape the glare of expectations … the evening and weekend nature of church life can make ministers seem like absentee parents who don’t have time or energy to be involved with their children or provide oversight.” (Zoba, 1997) • The simple existence of the “fleshly nature” decrees that all families will deal with parenting and discipline issues. Despite the best of intentions, personality differences are a given in every family; clashes are to be expected. “For what I am doing, I do not understand, for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate15 … For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of good is not 18.” (Romans 7:15 & 18 NASV) Given the “fishbowl” existence of the clergy family, the “watchdog” nature of some parishioners, and the expectations family members have for one another, the clash of the flesh may be exacerbated. The opportunity is great, if, perhaps, often missed, in the clergy family to continually demonstrate that “…what the Law could not do, weak as it was through the flesh, God did, sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and as an offering for sin, He condemned sin in the flesh 3, so that the requirements of the Law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. 4” (Romans 8:3-4 NASV) While interacting as a family “in the flesh,” the clergy family, according to Peck (1988) is especially subject to some common parenting mistakes: “Coercion – applying unnecessary stress on child to conform to some acceptable standard of behavior. Directing the child too much with ‘little or no regard for the child’s need to initiate or direct his own behavior’” Submission – allowing self to become servant to rather than parent of child, yielding to child’s demands. Perfectionism – failing to accept child at his/her own developmental level and offering acceptance only if performance is at a high level of virtue or achievement, usually in order to present the preacher’s kid as a model of such virtue to the church and community. Indulgence - giving ‘goods and services excessively to the child without regard to the child’s needs (such as autonomy and achievement, for example). In contrast to the submissive parent who waits until the child demands and then complies, the indulgent parent doesn’t wait but rather initiates extremes of giving of goods and services.’ Punitiveness – parental verbal or physical aggression. Neglect – w/serious consequences. Child learns to get needs met elsewhere and to embrace the values of the milieu where those needs are met. He/she may learn to fear and mistrust close relationships for fear of being let down. His/her basic need for love and understanding will be thwarted.. (Peck, 1998) • Last, but by no means least, is the essential principle that Satan will do everything that is within his power to destroy the work of the ministry, and one of the first places that he will begin is in the minister’s home. Therefore, the clergy family faces the very real knowledge that, more than any other type of family, the enemy wants that family and its members destroyed. For “your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (I Peter 5:8) In the minister’s home, it is imperative to teach that “the Son of God appeared for this purpose, to destroy the works of the devil.” (I John 3:8b NASV) The Tools It has been noted that the correct goals of parenting are not unique to ministry parents, yet some of the impediments to addressing that goal are, indeed, unique to the ministry parent. Many of the tools to “do” effective ministry parenting are universal to “good” parenting, but are often overlooked. • Love your child. A child who does not know the unconditional love of a parent finds it harder to accept the unconditional love of the Father. The Scripture is replete with instructions to love. While it seems patently obvious and instinctive that one would love one’s child, the actual doing of the thing is not so obvious and instinctive. True love, Godly love, is evidenced in actions and attitude, not in feeling. It involves self-sacrifice and humility. For the minister, these qualities are generally expected to be part of the ministry to the flock but are not always part of the ministry to the family. However, God’s mandate to love should be even more intensely applied to family. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). “And the second is like it: `Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 24:39) “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. .”(Romans 12:9-10) “Do everything in love.” (I Corinthians 16:14) “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2) “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” (Ephesians 5:1) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, 10 so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ,” (Philippians 1:9-10) “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14) “As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him” (Psalms 103:13) The unconditional, “agape” love of a parent, with the well-being of the child paramount, is the most significant deterrent to the stumbling blocks that clergy life throws at the clergy family. Love, given liberally, covers a multitude of mistakes in any family. If is also the best guarantee that beneficial parenting behavior will follow. • Spend time with your child. Each child should know that he or she will have the undivided time and attention of each parent throughout the week. For some parents, it may be necessary to actually schedule that time, but nothing replaces a child’s understanding that he/she is so important to the parent that there is a scheduled slot just for the child. A parent’s involvement in a child’s life is validation of that life and echoes God’s involvement in the life of each of His children. Successes are sweeter and failures less daunting if the child knows that the parent has set aside special times for the sharing of them. Failure to set such time aside is an invitation to the child to begin harboring the important things in his/her life in secret, to undervalue the successes and over value the failures, because the adults to whom God has given the task have failed to provide the time and attention required to understand and process both. • Understand your child’s individuality; his/her talents, aptitudes, dreams idiosynchrasies, spiritual gifts. It is a marvelous gift to give one’s child the acknowledgement that his/her individuality is precious and special. Understand the way in which each child receives love. Gary Chapman (1992) posits that there are five “love languages,” and each person perceives love only if, to some degree, it is delivered in his own “language,” and, according to Chapman, those would be one or more of the following: ❖ Words of Affirmation ❖ Quality Time ❖ Receiving Gifts ❖ Acts of Service ❖ Physical Touch • Train that child in the Lord with regard to that individuality. God knew what He was doing when he created that young person as a person unlike any other. One of the primary responsibilities of the parent is to help that child to grow in the giving of each individual part of his person to God. Proverbs 22:6 states, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” As Slonecker (2001) states, “Here is the principle for Christian parenting given to you by God Himself: ‘Train up, discipline, develop a spiritual appetite for righteousness, dedicate your child according to his own way, so that when he reaches adolescence, he will not depart from it.’” (p.12) Larry Christenson (1970) says it well; “Every person comes into the world and comes into the Body of Christ, with ‘sealed orders’- a unique destiny to fulfill. Part of the calling of a parent is to help the child unseal his orders-discover what God means him to be and do. We are to train up the child not simply in the way that any and every child should go, but also in the specific and unique way in which he should go. This means that parents must deal with each one of their children under the creative leading of the Holy Spirit. All parents have to adjust to the sometimes difficult realization that each one of their children is different – and tend to become more so as they grow older. This does not mean that a family becomes the arena for a rampant individualism, but it does mean that the differences in the character and make-up of the children betoken differences in the destiny which God has appointed for each one of them.” (p.65) • Discipline the child with Godly discipline; i.e., not in anger, never out of personal embarrassment, but with the goal firmly in mind – taking each opportunity to train the child to live in, grow in, and demonstrate a redemptive relationship with the God who loves the child even more than the parent does (and by whose proxy the parent is empowered). It has been said by many writers that an undisciplined child feels unloved and pushes all possible boundaries in a silent cry for someone to care enough to set a boundary. A. Donald Bell speaks of the “child-centered family” in The Family in Dialogue (1968), stating that, “when the child is over-centralized in the home … the child does not learn his position in life and the world. He cannot develop skills. God’s plan is that the youngster will be nurtured in a little world of the home, the neighborhood, the church, the community, in which he learns how to fit in – to a degree, at least. When all other influences accommodate to him, he doesn’t learn this.” p. 46 • Keep truth central in the dealings of the family. Truth is a foundational attribute of God and of His children. “And this is judgment, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does what is true comes to the light that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been wrought in God. “ (John 3:19-21) Therefore, truthfulness is expected from every family member, but is essential for the parent, and, most especially, for the ministerial parent. When situations arise in the church that endanger the family, the child is, on some level, aware. When finances have the parents’ spirits at an all-time low, the children know. When promises are made but not kept, the children suffer. Therefore, honesty and truthfulness is a high duty in the family. “Our truthfulness toward our children is as high a duty as theirs toward us. Never leave unfulfilled our promises and our threats. Answer them seriously, so they may depend on our answers. This is what builds in them a love of the truth.” (Christenson, 1970. p. 75) This is not to say that every detail of troublesome parental situations should be disclosed to the child; children are rarely prepared for such a burden. It is merely to acknowledge that such situations exist, make them a matter of family prayer, and demonstrate that God is ultimately in control and each situation is an opportunity to learn to listen to His guidance, yield to His control, and witness His grace in action. • Spend time, as a family, in God’s Word. This is vital and there are some important points to consider: ❖ Family worship should not be a chore, but it should be scheduled and regular. ❖ It is time spent sharing the wonderful status as co-heirs in the family of God, and should be a time of sharing, honesty, mutual respect, and safety. ❖ It is a wonderful opportunity to provide support and sustenance to family members as they face life’s challenges. ❖ Bible study and family worship is a gift to the family that begins in early life. Sharing the living Word of the living God is equipping the most important people He will ever bring to any minister, his family, with the holy armor required to live purposefully and redemptively in this world. “ Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you' Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:8-9) ❖ Family Bible study and worship is commanded by God. Honoring that commandment honors God and teaches the family correct respect for His commands. “Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 4:18-19) “We will not hide them (God’s words) from their children, shewing to the generations to come the praises of the Lord, and his strength, and his wonderful works that he hath done. For he established a testimony in Jacob, and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers, that they should make them known to their children: that the generation to come might know them, even the children which should be born; who should arise and declare to their children.” (Psalm 78:4-6) “God is love, and His Word is the Book of love. When the Bible is in the center of the family, there is a stronger bond of love between the members. Most individuals need a spiritual tie to enhance love. People are united when they focus their attention on a single focal point. Church members are knit together by the worship of one God in a service. In the same manner, a family will feel closer to each other at the family worship.” (Bell, 1968. p. 104) Family worship and Bible study is essential to meet the primary goal of the family – helping each member to live in a redemptive relationship with God and His world and to prepare each member for the unique destiny for which God has created them. To expect humans to understand and embrace their divine destinies without a constant embracing of the blueprint and the architect of that destiny is sheer folly. For the clergy family to expect that each member can survive, grow, and flourish in are ever with God’s will outside of such sharing is family suicide • Pray, pray, and, after that, pray. It seems a given that the clergy parent should be bathing his children in prayer, but prayer is often a strange casualty of ministry. Parker and Shafer (1994) cite surveys that 25% of ministers surveyed spend less than ten minutes per day in private devotions and the thirty minutes is the average. Since those prayer periods are presumably spent covering a multitude of issues, this does not bode well for the children of these ministers. Prayer is, without a doubt, the most important need of the clergy family!!! God tells us that Satan “prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour,” (I Peter 5:8) and that “the devil has gone down to you! He is filled with fury, because he knows that his time is short." (Revelation 12:12) There is no family more prey to the enemy than the clergy family. Therefore, each member should be covered and covering others in prayer. . Bell (1968) has observed, “Nothing unites a family as does praying together. This spiritual unity enables the family to face the difficult issues of life which are certain to come. Prayer places the home in constant contact with God to such an extent that He is not just a guest in the home but is always present in fellowship..” (p. 102) Conclusion Children who grow up in clergy families are susceptible to trials and temptations that other families never experience. The clergy parents face hurdles and challenges found nowhere else. In the spiritual battle between God and His own and Satan and his allies, the clergy family is one of the primary playing pieces, and Satan is adamant about bring forces to bear in the destruction of that family. The man or woman called into service to the Lord must be prepared, else he or she will sacrifice the most precious and sacred of those gifts and responsibilities entrusted to him or her by God; the children. There are resources available to the Christian parent, but, for the Christian leader, they are few. The problems, purpose, and some pointers for the Christian parent have been enumerated here. More work should follow, and it is our prayer that God will provide heart, armor, and weapons for perhaps the most important spiritual battle the clergyperson will ever wage – the battle for the family. REFERENCES Blanton, Priscilla W. 1992. Stress in clergy families: Managing work and family demands. Family Perspective 26: 315-30. Bell, A. Campbell. 1968. The Family in Dialogue. Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI. Behrens, William. 1981. “The Two-Income Clergy Family” (Office of Support to Ministries, the American Lutheran Church), unpublished, p. 6. As quoted in Creative Leadership Series; The pastor’s wife today. Donna Sinclair, 1981.Abingdon Press, Nashville, TN. Briscoe, Jill. 1981. Fight for the Family. Zondervan Corporation, Grand Rapids, MI. Bruesehoff, Richard. 2002. Pastors’ families: shoes for the cobbler’s children. http://www.elca/org/eteam/resources/PastFam.htm Campbell, Douglas F. 1995. The clergy family in Canada: focus on adult PKs. *A paper read at the annual meeting of the Association for the Sociology of Religion, Washington, D.C., August 18-20, 1995. Chapman, Gary. 1992. The five love languages; How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing, Chicago. Christenson, Larry. 1970. The Christian Family. Bethany Fellowship, Minneapolis, MN. Cook, Andy A. 2002. Performing the pastor-parent balancing act. http://lifeway.com/pastor (_f_0008.asp). Davidson, Dan. 2002. A father’s influence. http://www.family.org/pastor/family/a0015726.html. Gould, Roger. 1978. Transformations: growth and change in adult life. Simon & Schuster, NY Jud, Gerald J., Edgar W. Mills, and Genevieve Waiters Butch. 1970. Ex-pastors: Why men leave the parish ministry. Philadelphia Pilgrim Press. Langford, Daniel L. 1998. The Pastor’s Family” The Challenges of Family Life and Pastoral Responsibilities. Haworth Press, Binghamton, NY. Lee, Cameron. 1988. Toward a social ecology of the minister’s family. Pastoral Psychology 42: 345-64. Lee, Cameron, and Jack O. Balswick. 1989. Life in a glass house. Zondervan, Grand Rapids, MI. Lee, Diane Roblin. 1980. My father’s house. Mainroads productions. Toronto. Mickey, Paul A. and Ginny W. Ashmore. 1991. Clergy families: Is normal life possible' Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI. Morris, Michael Lane, and Blanton, Priscilla White. 1994. The influence of work-related stressors on clergy husbands and their wives. Family Relations, April 94, Volume 43, Issue 2, p.189-196. Niswander, B. J. 1982. Clergy wives of the new generation. Pastoral Psychology, 30, 160-169. Parker & Shafer. 1994. A pastor’s life of quiet desperation. Alberta Report; Newsmagazine, 12/5/94; Vol. 21:51, p. 42. Alberta, Canada. Peck, Terry A. 1988. Parenting in the minister’s home. Convention Press, Nashville, TN. Rediger, G. Lloyd. 1997. Clergy killers. Westminster John Knox. Louisville, KY. Shedd, Charlie. 1978. A Dad is for Spending Time With. Sheed, Andrews and McMeel, Inc., Kansas City, MO. Sinclair, Donna. 1981. Creative Leadership Series; The pastor’s wife today. Abingdon Press, Nashville, TN. Stephenson, Robert N. 1982. Children of the parsonage. Pastoral Psychology, 30:3, 179-186. Slonecker, William T. 2001. Parenting Principles From The Heart of The Physician. Fredricksburg Publishing. Fredricksburg, PA. Tripp, Paul David. 1997,2001. Age of Opportunity: A biblical guide to parenting teens. P & R publishing. Phillipsburg, NJ. Walker, Ken.2002. Ministers’ families: 15 pointers for ministers’ families recounted by Ray, Ann Ortlund. http://www.pastornet.net.au/jmm/alpt/alpt0203.htm. Willimon, William H. 1989. Clergy and laity burnout. Abingdon. Nashville, TN. Willmore, Roger. 2002. The demands of ministry. http://lifeway.com/pastor_f_a0004.asp Zoba, Wendy Murray. 1997. What Pastors’ wives wish their churches knew. Christianity Today, 04/07/97, Vol. 41, Issue 4, p. 20. APPENDIX A Some Resources for The Christian Parent *Note: This is not intended to be a comprehensive listing. The resources hereunder are valuable tools for any Christian parent, and each one will list additional resources. Ball, Ron. 2001. Worry no more; proven strategies for parents. Tyndale House, Carol Stream, IL. Bell, A. Campbell. 1968. The Family in Dialogue. Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI. Briscoe, Jill. 1981. Fight for the Family. Zondervan Corporation, Grand Rapids, MI. Campbell, Ross. 1992. How to really love your child. Chariot Victor Books; Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO. Chapman, Gary. 1992. The five love languages; How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Northfield Publishing, Chicago, IL. Chapman, Gary. 1997. The five loves languages of children. Northfield Publishing, Chicago, IL. Christenson, Larry. 1970. The Christian Family. Bethany Fellowship, Minneapolis, MN. Davidson, Dan. 2002. A father’s influence. http://www.family.org/pastor/family/a0015726.html. Dobson, James. 2001. Bringing up boys: practical advice and encouragement for those shaping the next generation of men. Tyndale House, Carol Stream, IL. Dobson, James. 2000. The complete marriage and family home reference guide. Tyndale House, Carol Stream, IL. Dobson, James. 1983. Discipline with love. Tyndale House, Carol Stream, IL. Dobson, James. 1996. The new dare to discipline. Tyndale House, Carol Stream, IL> Hunt, Gladys M. 2002. Honey for a child’s heart. Zondervan Corporation, Grand Rapids, MI. Langford, Daniel L. 1998. The Pastor’s Family; The Challenges of Family Life and Pastoral Responsibilities. Haworth Press, Binghamton, NY. Lee, Diane Roblin. 1980. My father’s house. Mainroads Productions, Toronto. Leman, Kevin. 2001. Bringing up kids without tearing them down; how to raise confident, successful children. Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, TN. Leman, Kevin. 2000. Making children mind without losing yours. Fleming H. Revell Co., Grand Rapids, MI. Leman, Kevin. 1998. The new birth order book; why you are the way you are. Fleming H. Revell Co., Grand Rapids, MI. Leman, Kevin. 2001. What a difference a daddy makes; the lasting imprint a dad leaves on his daughter’s life. Thomas Nelson, Nashville, TN. Leman, Kevin; Jackson, Dave; Jackson, Neta. 1998. Becoming the parent God wants you to be. Navpress, Colorado Springs, CO. Linthorst, Ann Tremaine. 1993. Mothering as a spiritual journey: learning to let God nurture your children and you along with them. Crossroad/Herder & Herder, Albuquerque, NM. Mickey, Paul A. and Ginny W. Ashmore. 1991. Clergy families: Is normal life possible' Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI. Omartian, Stormie; Omartian, Christopher; Omartian, Amanda. 1995. The Power of a Praying Parent. Harvest House Publishers, Inc., Eugene, OR. Peck, Terry A. 1988. Parenting in the minister’s home. Convention Press, Nashville, TN. Shedd, Charlie. 1978. A Dad is for Spending Time With. Sheed, Andrews and McMeel, Inc., Kansas City, MO. Slonecker, William T. 2001. Parenting Principles From The Heart of The Physician. Fredricksburg Publishing. Fredricksburg, PA. Tripp, Paul David. 1997,2001. Age of Opportunity: A biblical guide to parenting teens. P & R publishing. Phillipsburg, NJ.