Life

LIFE As a parent, I believed that my son would outlive me and have sons and daughters of his own and we could grow old watching them have families of their own, because that was the way of life. I had hopes and dreams for my son. When he died, it completely destroyed my world and left so many unanswered questions. I was completely lost and bereaved. Rebuilding my life and becoming one of the living again has been a long, hard struggle. The death of my son changed my life and me as a person forever. Everything I had believed in and held dear to my heart was gone in a blink of the eye. It has been almost three years since my son ended his life on October 3, 2008. It seems like only yesterday. My son was such a young man, only 29 years old and had everything to live for. The day of my son death is the day my world and everything in it was changed forever. Everything I believed in, such as, my dreams, my hopes, my peace of mind and all I held dear to my heart was shattered and gone forever. Nothing in my life could have prepared me for his death or bewilderment that would become a part of my life. Life as I knew it had changed forever. I couldn’t think or feel anything other than the pain that was in my heart. My family and my friends worried for me and wanted me to come and stay with them. How could I go and stay with anyone, when I was like a zombie or the living dead. The days did not mean anything to me anymore. Everything I did was like a robot on autopilot. I ate because someone put food in front me and slept when my mind was so exhausted I had to sleep. I would sit for hours just staring into space with the unbearable pain in my heart, while all the unanswered questions like” Why did you do that'”, “How am I supposed to go on'” plus hundreds of other questions raced through my mind. Somehow I knew that I had to get a handle on myself again or be forever lost. I knew my son would have wanted me to go on with life and make the most of it. He would have wanted me to continue to be passionate about life and to live life to the fullest and not be the person I am today. When my son was alive, I had such a passion for life and so many dreams to dreams. I loved every minute that life had to give me. I was a person who laughed a lot and was happy. I greeted everyday as an adventure and with joy in my heart. I loved life to the fullest and every second was precious to me. I knew who I was and what direction my life was going. I looked forward to spending time with my son and my grandchildren. I enjoyed the closeness and the special bond my son and I had. All this I lost when he died. I couldn’t find the beauty or the simplest pleasures in life anymore. There was only darkness around me and pain. I would look into to mirror and think, “Another day to get through”, or, “How much more time do I have to be here on this earth'” This I guess went on for about a year. Then while I was sitting in my car one day, my thoughts turned to my son and the kind of person he was. He was a good man who loved his wife and children completely. He was a good father. He had a big heart and was a hard worker. That’s when I knew I had to change. I knew he would not want me to mourn for him but to live life and try to achieve my dreams. I knew that I had to get back into the swing of life and start to live again. That was easier said than done. I had to ask myself questions, “What did I want to do with the rest of my life'”, “Would my son be proud of me'”After I decided what to do with the rest of my life, I had to find the courage and strength to follow through with my decision. I started to pray to God again and asked for the strength and courage to make plans and start to live again. It took several attempts for me to make that initial contact with moving on in life. For awhile, everything would be fine and then I would see a young man that reminded me of my son by the way he was dress or walk and I would almost say, “Where have you been, I’ve miss you,” or Thank God, you’re back and the nightmare is over.” When I realized the young man wasn’t my son, I would turn away with my head down and tears in my eyes and retreat back into the shell that I have built around myself. My son is with me every day. He is in my thoughts, my heart, and my every breath. I’ve always knew that death was a factor of life and I would have to deal with the death of love ones but not the loss of one son. And yes, I have dealt with death of love ones before. My father died three years before my son, and my youngest brother was killed in 1990. These losses I accepted and grieved for. With these deaths I knew that life would go on and that I still had things to live for. With my son death there are so many unanswered questions and uncertainties. I always believed I was tough and could adapt to anything that life handed out to me, but, not this. Even though, my life feels like it been torn apart, I know that I am still alive. I am grateful and thankful for the time I had with my son. My son taught me so much and gave me so much of himself and his love. These are the thoughts I keep in my mind as I slowly start to rebuild my life and adjust to the person I am becoming. The death of my son did change me and my way of life forever.