Hiatus

June 19, 2011 1:53a.m. Hiatus A woman in search of her words… Oppressed and troubled, I am at a gasp for words! Perhaps to those who have known me would raise an eyebrow and ask at the back of their mind, how come a writer ended up wordless' Truth be said, almost always I am at a loss for words. I rant within me often chasing for that intangible feel. I have the intricacy of defining my own dogma. Looking back, oh well, must I admit the hardest part is to look back to what was once has been and what used to be but I am decided to key down a gameplan as dictated by what Sigmond Freud called ego and of my five plus one senses including that of human power – SELF-INSTINCT! Seizing an avenue where I can lay inner thoughts, pour it in as I temporarily disconnect myself from the world of isolation to the ground of expression. To what seemed Déjà vu for the Nth time, I am now in total submission to probably a lot of practical issues in mind so in my most sensible mood, I’m finally giving in – voila! Back in time, I know deep in my heart that I desire what I am up to amidst the emergence of other passion. But just in time where all my plans were laid down in the open, things didn’t go my way. My destination was re-routed. Fate became undetermined. I was taken aback, put to a long hiatus and struggled to breathe again. Somehow, I thanked “patience” for it never left me during those toxic hours of my being. Yes! I have failed once, twice or even more but the battle unto the survival of the fittest is never ending which favors the weak but trying and the loser who never quits. I am both! This admission and all the declaration reminded me to humbly embrace everything as a learning experience for it had molded me to do better and surpass mediocrity. When a mantra to pursuing a lifelong dream was overshadowed by hesitations, doubts and a troubled mind or questions arose whether to cancel the flight or counsel oneself and the Law of attraction jammed to Law of Yin Yang then the gameplan is to think twice and be wise. That is why I am taking my time! Momentarily breaking free from the pressures of reverie. It’s when other priorities in life surfaced that we must with full vigor deal with it too. I do not gauge myself losing the passion to stand again but the bruises and scars of yesterday reminded me that it takes time to be healed again. Will I be considered a quitter' Will the totality of my being fade if I step back' Confusions clouded an already tormented mind so here I am having a pause- to my dreams, to the person I am destined to be and most to those whose malady I will have to cure and whose lives I will have to touch. I will fight again! Until I dwell to possibility, so long! 2:31a.m.