Get_Out_of_My_Life,_but_Could_You_First_Drive_Cheryl_and_Me_to_the_Mall_

Introduction I chose the review the book “Get out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall'” by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. The reason why I chose this book is that I think parents would buy it because of the humorous title. The target audience for this book is parents of teenagers and the message of this book is to help parents understand their teenage child and how to interact with them more efficiently. Anthony Wolf is a practicing clinical psychologist for more than thirty years and works with children and adolescents. He also has two grown children of his own. Although there are quotes in this book, they are not direct quotes from his practice or his life, but fictional quotes of example of conversations teenagers and their parents might have. This book has an original copyright date of 1991, but the author has revised the edition for the new 2002 copyright. The author has gone through great strides to make the information up-to-date although I still think many of his views are based on Hall’s theory of storm-and-stress during the adolescent period. (Nichols, 2004) Regardless of an overall view of the teenage years, much of his information does align with the most recent parent/adolescent research as I will show in my book review. Book Summary This book addresses parent/adolescent relations in three major sections of this book. The first section addresses the changes that occur during adolescence and basic information for how to be a parent of an adolescent. The second section focuses of communication and conflict between teenagers and their parents. Finally, the third section addresses specific issues such as divorce, school, sex, drugs and drinking, and suicide. The first third of Wolf’s book is about both the task of the adolescent period for both adolescents and their parents. The task for the adolescent is to become independent. This seems to be a traditional psychoanalytic model that suggests that adolescent rebellion is a sign that teens are forming their own identity. (Steinberg, 2001) In the process of becoming independent an adolescent struggles with not wanting to grow up. Teenagers during this time also become private in relation to their parents and want to spend more time in their room or with their friends. The task for parents is to let go while also setting limits for their teenage children. Wolf continues to write that parents really have little control over what their teenagers do although they do influence them. On the other hand, parents must still make rules and stick to those rules. Spring and others write that teens want responsible and vigilant parents without them being too controlling (2002). Wolf write that one of the reasons why parenting is more difficult today is that we know from research that successful parent no longer is focused on fear of discipline as leverage for their teenagers to follow their rules. Authoritarian parenting might raise children who do not question parents as much, but also “produces less kind and considerate humans.” (Wolf, 2002) The most successful parenting style is authoritative. Although parents who are strict and have an authoritarian parenting style have less conflict with their children, it produces a less socially healthy child. (Barber, 2004) The second section focuses on communication and conflicts between parents and teenagers. Wolf describes communication with teenagers as “day to day swings between crazed frenzy and genuine tranquility.” (2002) I think this is an exaggeration of the normal teenager. Only a minority of families experience serious levels of conflict. (Barber, 2004) On the subject of setting limits for teenagers, Wolf writes that a parent should listen to their teen’s arguments, but only to a point. Once the teen starts to argue after you have listened to their reasoning and have made your decision about the rule. Parents need to use adaptive self-stabalization with the changing environment during the adolescent period. This means that a parent should not feel like they cannot change their rules if they find it necessary for the changing environment of their adolescent growing up and maturing (Cox, Paley, 1997) On the other hand, parents should always genuinely listen to their teen when they want to talk about things going on in their life. This also happens at unexpected times as teen will choose the times when they feel like they want to talk to their parents. When listening to advice by their parents, it often seems like teens are not listening, but they actually are influenced and will make decisions based on their inner voice that is influenced by their parents. A parent was interviewed about how they experience the transition to adolescence and said that she would often hear her daughter talking to someone and using the mother’s exact words about an issue (Spring et al., 2002) On the subject of lying, Wolf describes a teenager the following way: “Their sliminess may be deplorable, but it is also normal.” (2002) This harsh description of a teenager seems to add to the negative view that parents might already have of the adolescent period. Less conflict is found in families where teens are perceived as positive. (Barber, 1994) He explains that most teenagers are going to lie to their parents, but parents should not let the lying be the issue that might cover up other issues. For example, if a girl was at someone’s house you don’t approve of and you found out, you should focus more on her being at that person’s house than the fact that she lied to you. Wolf continues to write that trusting teenagers is nice, but it is a fool’s paradise. On the subject of setting and following through with rules, the book suggests that parents should make rules and confront their teen when they break the rules, but not give them consequences. Wolf tells parents that consequences will not make a teen change their behavior for the long term. He says that a teen will either follow the rules or not regardless of the punishment. I personally disagree with this. I think if parents do not enforce consequences for their teenager’s actions, the actions will not change. Wolf characterizes parent and adolescent conflict as the “meat and potatoes of most parent-teacher relationships.” (2002) He continues by writing that most interactions between parents and teenagers involve some kind of conflict. On the other hand Steinberg writes that 75% of teenagers report having happy and pleasant relationships with their parents. (2001) His suggestions to deal with conflict are for the parent not to get emotional and not to argue with their teen. He contends that teens get over arguments faster than adult which I think is the point of the title of the book. Day to day arguments tend to create more stress for parents than adolescence because parents hang onto their anger longer than their teenager. (Steinberg, 2001) In sibling arguments Wolf suggest that parent let teens solve their own problems unless physical violence in involved. (RESEARCH) The final section of Wolf’s book addresses specific issues such as divorce, school, sex, drugs and drinking and suicide. Teenagers are very good at adapting to situations such as divorce. It matters more to a teen’s well-being how parenting is done rather than if there are two parents. The emotional context of the act of parenting is more important than what parent do. (Steinberg, 2001 ) When dealing with school problems Wolf suggests letting the school enforce their disciple and not have more consequences at home. If electronics are a problem in your house you should limit time spent with electronics on and put the computer in a central location of the house. Parents need to approach the topic of sex because adolescents are having sex earlier and more casually. If parents feel they cannot talk to their children they should at least provide books. Drugs and drinking should not be preached harsher than the reality or teens will see the information their parents give them as irrelevant. The biggest factor of if a teen will engage in serious risk taking behaviors is the extent that they see themselves with a future. Talk of suicide should always be taken seriously. If a teen continues to be in miser extra care should be given. Finally Wolf concludes by assuring parents that adolescence is a stage and most children will grow up and mature. Many problems experienced by adolescents are a phase and are resolved by the end of adolescence. (Steinberg and Morris, 2001) Wolf gives great insight to what is going on the teenager’s brain and social world, but his comments directed toward the adolescent often seem harsh and negative. It is common that advice books for parents of teenagers portray teens as confusing, trouble makers, angry, and ungrateful. (Steinberg, 2001) This book does a good job explaining how the parent and teen affect each other’s attitudes and actions. It also includes the social dynamic of friends and siblings in understanding how the teenager “clicks.” I would recommend this to parents with a cautionary note to not let the negative connotations about teenagers make them fearful about the adolescent period. References Barber, B.K. (1994). Cultural, family, and personal contexts of parent-adolescent conflict. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 56, 375-386. Collins, W.A., & Laursen, B. (2004). Changing relationships, changing youth: Interpersonal contexts of adolescent development. Journal of Early Adolescence, 24, 55-62. Cox, M.J., & Paley, B. (1997). Families as systems. Annual Review of Psychology, 48, 243-267. Nichols, S.L., & Good, T.L. (2004). America’s teenagers – Myths and realities (pp. 1-29). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. (Chapter 1:The Continuing Myth of Adolescence) Spring, B., Rosen, K.H., & Matheson, J.L. (2002). How parents experience a transition to adolescence: a qualitative study. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 11, 411-425. Steinberg, L. (2001). We know some things: Parent-adolescent relationships in retrospect and prospect. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 11, 1-19. Steinberg, L., & Morris, A.S. (2001). Adolescent development. Annual Review of Psychology, 52, 83-110. Wolf, Anthony E, Ph.D. (2002). Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall'. Farrar, Straus and Giroux. New York.