Fake_Smiles

February 7, 2010 Fake Smiles During health class in 7th grade, our teacher asked us all to stick a piece of paper to our backs. For the next fifteen minutes, we then had to walk around the class and write comments about each other on the paper. We were not allowed to see what others wrote until the fifteen minutes was up, and everyone had finished writing. Afterwards, I finally got a chance to see what my fellow classmates truly thought about me. I was fairly surprised when I saw that all my comments were positive, and said something along the lines of, “You’re always smiling and laughing” or, “You are a very positive person” or even “You never get angry and you are always happy”. I realized then that the way others saw me was in complete contrast to the way I saw myself. People around me generally perceive me as a lively, outgoing person. At school, I laugh along with my friends with a wide smile plastered on my face, acting as though I don’t have a care in the world. I joke and tease and play. On the outside, I am like a joyful Golden Retriever, wagging his tail, simply happy to be around others. However, hidden deep, deep down inside me is a completely different person from the one everyone claims to know. In the darkest corners of my mind, I am shy, introverted, weak, and self-conscious. I do not ever show this side of myself to others, and although it has taken some getting used to, I can now fake a smile perfectly well. Even when there is something killing me on the inside, I can smile and laugh along as though I am perfectly fine, and no one notices at all. Sometimes I wish that I could be that same person on the inside and out. Envy envelopes me when I notice those people who walk around wearing their hearts on their sleeve, unafraid to show whatever emotion they are feeling at that moment. I long to be like them, but I find it severely difficult to show who I really am. Perhaps it is because I am afraid; afraid that if I were shy or self conscious, then people would not like me or want to be around me. Even though it may sound ridiculous, most of the friends I have at the moment probably only like me because they enjoy being around the positive energy that I radiate. If that light disappeared, I highly doubt they would still like me. No one enjoys being around a negative person. People say that a true friend is one who will be there for you to support and love you through no matter what – the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have yet to find out whether this statement is true since I have not been able to show my entire self to anyone else before. One day, perhaps it will be possible for the way others perceive me and the way I perceive myself to become the same. However, until I find the courage to show myself, I will continue to keep a part of myself hidden. I do not know when that time will be or if it will ever even come, but I am working on trying t be who I truly am, on the inside and out.