Exploring_Change

Exploring change As a child I was brought up in a strict Catholic household, consisting of my parents and two younger brothers. My father was a violent alcoholic and my maternal grandfather sexually abused his children and grandchildren. At a very early age I remember feeling I had to protect my younger brothers at all costs. I could not protect them from our father’s verbal abuses we endured on an almost daily basis, but I could protect them from other forms of abuse like when our father was looking for someone to beat, I would step forward and take the beating, so that my little brothers didn’t. Because I was the eldest I was the first one my grandfather took an interest in. He did not have any preferences, boys or girls it did not matter to him. Fortunately my brothers never had to suffer at his hands and they never found out about what he did to my cousins or me principally because we moved home and there was not the same opportunity for contact between him and my brothers. My behaviour has been strongly influenced and controlled by these events. As a result I have always found it difficult and uncomfortable when people get too close or wish to embrace me, even though I am very touchy feely with people myself. For example; if someone was distressed and needed a hug I would be fine giving them a hug, but if the situation was reversed I would find it very uncomfortable, as a consequence people who know me will always ask if it is ok to embrace me before they do so. From a very young age I decided that I would never drink alcohol, because of all the damage I’d seen it do, from the hold it had on the person addicted to it, to the physical and emotional damage caused to those around them. I also feared that if I drank I too might become addicted and I would not be in total control, and from my experiences I had learned that being in control of situations, required being in control of oneself. When my father was drunk he seemed to take on another personality, alcohol was the catalyst that changed a reasonable, good natured Dr. Jekyll character into an aggressive unreasonable Mr. Hyde. It was like he became blinkered or a red mist came over him, and he had no control over the personality change. He seemed to be unable to extricate himself from his irrational thoughts and behaviour, and thus, it was impossible to reason with him. My father’s ‘mad moment’s’ (often lasting many hours rather than a moment) would always follow the same pattern. He would become indecisive, unable to make even a simple decision such as what to eat; he’d start to pace around the house, then the heavy breathing would set in, (up until the moment when the heavy breathing and pacing started my father could go either way. He could explode or return to being calm rational person) then he would barricade the front door, so no one could get in or out. There was nothing we could do except wait until the red mist passed and hope it did not go on too long. In the morning he would return to normality, never commenting on the carnage that littered the house (broken cups, plates furniture etc). He would behave perfectly normally as if nothing had happened, and we were expected to do likewise. He would then go to work and we would all be on tenterhooks, hoping he would be fine when he returned home. Everyone outside the family home thought my father was very personable, he was popular with his work colleagues and even his drinking buddies never knew how he behaved in the privacy of his own home. As a child I learned that I could exercise a degree of control when my father was having one of his ‘mad moments’ by taking his focus off others and onto me. Then in the aftermath when my mother was too beaten up to care for her children I again had to take control of the situation, and manage the crisis. Consequently, as an adult I was always the first to respond to a crisis, where I seemed to be in my element. Sometimes I’m sure that I’ve even created a crisis where none existed, just to gain control of an awkward situation. As I became a teenager and moved into early adulthood I slipped into a form of submissive behaviour, I didn’t want to rock the boat, it was anything for an easy life. By acquiescing to others I hoped to avoid their displeasure, avoid any chance of them descending into a ‘mad moment’. However, by adopting this behaviour I made myself a victim, and encouraged others to take advantage of me. Then when I was in my mid thirties quite suddenly my behaviour started to change. I’d recently divorced my first husband and started a new relationship so there was an emotional cycle of change. But my changing behaviour that initially was nothing too noticeable, minor mood swings, crying, being irrational and indecisive, slowly became more frequent and more intense. Without any apparent trigger I would find myself unable to make the simplest of decisions, I’d slowly become irrational and my frustration would turn to anger, that anger would build and build to such a degree that I’d become violent, throwing things including punches or breaking things. After these episodes I would be very contrite and apologetic. I was very confused and bewildered as I did not know what was causing me to act in such a manner at that time. I thought I was suffering from a complete emotional breakdown. I actually felt at times I was going completely insane. As a result of these feelings I did not seek medical help. I was concerned as a doctor may confirm these fears. I also felt confused and isolated, having spent so many years being the person who took charge in these situations but now I felt that I was completely out of control of myself. As time went on and my own ‘mad moments’ increased an incident occurred that forced me to seek medical help when I inflicted a serious wound upon myself that required hospital treatment. My wounds were treated and the doctor who attended to me took some blood tests as he thought that there may be a hormonal imbalance causing my strange behaviour. He was right; I had started an early menopause and my oestrogen count was almost zero. Even though I now had a reason and explanation for what was causing the irrational behaviour I still found it difficult to deal with. It took some time and a lot of hard work and a good deal of patience on both my part and husband’s to come to terms with the situation. During these mad moments of mine I did feel they were similar to how my father used to behave, but at the time I did not give it too much thought. It has only been with the benefit of hindsight, that I have been able to see that I had the same behaviour patterns as my father when he was under the influence of alcohol. Only mine were caused by a different chemical, a hormonal imbalance due to an early onset of the menopause, but resulting in the same effect. All those years of being in control, choosing not to drink amounted to nothing, as all the time I had the same tendency to violent ‘mad moments’ as did my father. My choice of not drinking made no difference. In the end I still had similar behavioural traits; it just needed the right catalyst. It has been difficult for me to admit and own up to myself that I have similar traits in my own personality to those which had such a profound effect on my brothers and me in our early childhood. Coming to terms with the emotional turmoil this caused me has been quite difficult and daunting. I had always put my father’s behaviour down to alcohol but the alcohol was merely the catalyst to a deep rooted behavioural trait that was in him and as it turned out within me, a violent energy. For me it has been a process of self reflection and discussion, and from this process I learned that if I could manage the energy potential that’s present during a ‘mad moment’, and use this energy in a more controlled manner I could be more assertive. Instead of giving in to people, doing anything for a quiet life, and permitting people to bully me, if I could manage the gentle release of this energy I could stand up for myself, my principles and my ideals. The problem was releasing the energy in manageable amounts that worked for me in a positive manner. Because I had suppressed these feelings for so long when I wanted to use them in a positive manner it was much more difficult than I had anticipated. I wanted it to be like a tap that I opened just a little, letting out just a small trickle, but too often in the beginning the tap once open would release a torrent and I would find myself being unable to know when to step back from a situation, occasionally raging and always having to have the last word. But with time and practice I have been gradually able to exert more control over the tap and I have learned to assert myself positively without screaming and raging. Adapting to change is fundamental to survival. As a child I had to adapt to the changes that occurred in my father’s behaviour, then throughout my life each change in my circumstances or environment has had to be met and adapted to. But by far the greatest challenge in change that I have had to adapt to has been the changes in me. This required a process of self reflection, self inspection and self-awareness; I have had to be honest in my self-appraisal, I have at times had to be courageous, hard working and determined in my efforts to accomplish the changes that have been necessary. It has not been easy, there have been setbacks and heartaches along the way, but success has its own reward and I now feel more fulfilled as a person. “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”* *Carl Rogers: “On becoming a person” 1961 (Chapter 1)