Discuss_the_Formation_and_(Sometimes)_Dissolution_of_Intimate_Relationships._Suggest_Ways_of_Maintaining_Harmony_in_Such_Relationships

Discuss the formation and (sometimes) dissolution of intimate relationships. Suggest ways of maintaining harmony in such relationships Social psychology, the scientific study of how individuals’ cognitions, feelings and thoughts are affected by the social environment and how people respond to the social atmosphere, has unveiled interesting aspects of social life. Everyday people get into intimate relationships, and for some the excitement is like they are in heaven on earth, but unfortunately sometimes these relationships can be hell and stressful such that other partners can opt out and to the extreme some can even commit suicide or suffer from great depression and anxiety. On the green light the study of human sexuality and interpersonal attraction has provided some positive ways of dealing with problems in intimate relationships such that possible harmony can be maintained. The writer seeks to discuss the formation and (sometimes) the dissolution of intimate relationships and suggest ways of maintaining harmony in such relationships. Intimate relationships are those relationships based on sexual affiliation such as romance, “love”, sex and any other intimate behaviour. Intimate relationships can be between heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual partners (sadists, pedophilias included) of which factors to be discussed can independently influence the mentioned relationships. Sometimes these relationships can dissolve due to various social economic factors of modern life. However, researchers suggest that there are various ways of maintaining harmony in such relationships. According to Sigmund Freud, as cited in Baron (1989), a person is born with an innate need or drive to affiliate to a sexual partner. During the psycho-sexual stages of development, the ego tries to find rational ways of satisfying the irrational erotic or sexual drives of the id. The superego is there to strike a balance between these two thereby the individual finds a socially acceptable way of satisfying the id. Therefore, the concerned individual will look for an intimate sexual partner so that he or she satisfies the intimate sexual drive. Social biologists are in agreement with Freud that people have a biological need to mate. They further point out that people mate to reproduce their own species. However, other people don’t form intimate relationships to reproduce but for pleasure and other social reasons. An interplay between these biological and other social environmental factors influence people into the formation of intimate relationship as would be discussed further. It is understood that factors that affect the formation of intimate relationships may or may not operate in isolation. There is great interaction between these factors for one to make an informed decision on whom to have an intimate relationship with. However, it should be noted that in each and every relationship there are dominant factor(s) which lead to the formation of that relationship and these include physical attractiveness, physical surroundings (proximity), the need to affiliate and similarity just to mention a few, (Fromm,1956) Mere physical attractiveness can influence people to get into a relationship. People can be attracted by such things as physical appearance, dressing, posture, smile, beauty and hairstyle. This serves to explain why people who meet for the first time can propose to each other and fall into an intimate relationship as ascertained by the saying “first impressions make lasting memories”. Passionate love and physical attraction work hand in glove. Physical attraction just like passionate love can arise without warning literally meaning “love at first sight”, Averill and Boothroyd, (1977) cited in Baron and Byrne,(2003). Brennecke and Amick (1975) agrees with the above notion and points out that true love at first sight is possible under the rarest of circumstances and occurs only in the same kinds of ultra-sensitive people who may also be called “mind readers” or “superb judges of characters.” He goes on to state that the common feeling of falling in love at first sight is a product of one or more things: fascination, fantasy, sexual arousal, admiration, appreciation, attraction, identification, or just plain “good vibes.” Passionate love is erotic, sudden and very irrational; Baron and Bryne(2003) suggests that this type of love does not last for long as it is based on erratic feelings and not the inner thought. People are bound to form relationships with people they see more often, that is, people they are repeatedly exposed to. The more they see each other, the more they appreciate each other, feel closer to each other and end up in an intimate relationship. Baron and Bryne (2003:238) point out that study of the neighborhood and other residential settings such as dormitories and apartment building indicate that physical proximity is a major determinant of which an individual becomes acquainted with. Studies of multistoried dormitories by Evans and Wilson (1949) cited in Baron and Bryne (2003) showed that two thirds of friendships develop among people living on the same floor. Fifty years later, Whitbeck and Hoyt (1994) cited in Baron and Bryne (2003) conducted a similar research and found out that choice of dating partners among undergraduates is in part of the distance between the partners’ college residences. Proximity has not only been found to be influencing people to be acquainted, but also it even influences dating and marriage. It should however be understood that the correlation between distance and attraction can be affected by other factors such as similarity among others for people to be “true” mates. Other intimate relationships are either socially or culturally constructed. Partners in such relationships rely mostly on parental guidance and instructions on who to date or marry. As illustrated by Schaefer (2005; 357), in the United States, parents tend to teach their children to value love as a rationale for a healthy intimate relationship. This teaching is also reinforced on television programmes, books, magazines and other publications. This shows us that some intimate relationships are cohesed by unwritten social rules. Examples are shown in the Indian caste systems and other secret societies, where endogamy is greatly encouraged more than exogamy relationships. Palen (2000:278) postulates that in India, for example, upper-status males or females may pick their own careers, but – even in the twenty-first century – the Indian family has a major voice in choosing their spouses. According to Secord and Backman (1964), other relationships are simply anchored on the basis of social exchange and reciprocity. Attraction is based on the degree to which person measure the reward and cost outcome of the relationships of which, the rewards are the contributors to gratification of the needs of the people involved and the cost are the negative outcomes of the relationship. In an intimacy relationship, forms of rewards include among others, access to sex, happiness, the feeling to be loved, to be respected, to belong to someone, personal and economic security and material things like money and gifts. Examples of intimate relationship costs include fatigue, anxiety, money, time and fear of being embarrassed. In order for the relation to be formed the reward cost outcome must be at least slightly above minimum level of what the person feels is his due. The lesser the cost the higher the reward and the more likelihood of getting into a relationship. The higher the reinforcement, the more the increased likelihood of getting into an intimate relationship. For the relationship to work reciprocity must be maintained. These can be said to be relationships of convenience in that intimate partners get into relationships in order to be conveniently positioned so that they benefit in a way. In Zimbabwe, sugar daddies relationships are common; the young girls get into these relationships in order to get financial security while the daddies are mainly interested in sex. As well as for the sugar mamas-boys intimate relationships, the boys want to get money and “toy”gifts while the mamas want to exploit the “untapped”youthful sexual abilities of the young boys. Newcomb (1961) cited in Secord Backman (1964:247) has developed and tested a theory that people with similar orientations (attitudes) are attracted to each other. This is in line with the wise saying that, “birds of the same feather flock together”. Further researchers support the notion that people with similar characteristics like those from the same ethnic, racial, cultural, and religious backgrounds are bound to form intimate relationships with each other. For example, sociological evidence by Schaefer (2005:356), suggests that in the United States, people marry from within their racial, ethnic or religious groups. Further research illustrates that social class is also influential in determining relationships in that people will always affiliate with those of their class so that they preserve their status quos in their societies. Technological advancement has also seen people who are deeply obsessed by the internet having or developing intimate net relationships across cultures. Furthermore, social change a result of mobility, cultural acceptance and the wave of modernisation and globalisation: today intimate relations are now common between people of different racial, cultural, religious and ethnic backgrounds In modernisation “opposites attract” and it’s now acceptable in many present modern societies. Palen (2001:280) argues that common ethnic background is becoming less important as an acceptable criterion for marriage or dating. Cross cultural and inter-racial (exogamy) marriages are now common on our modernity. Sometimes intimate relationships dissolve due to social economic changes for example relationships which are based on proximity with romantic experience, can be seriously affected by separation due to migration of one partner, “out of sight out of mind” concept. The current Zimbabwean situation is a typical example whereby many intimate relationships have virtually dissolved after other partners in the relationships left for the diaspora in search for greener pastures. This is evidenced in the documentaries broadcasted on the national television and in the national newspapers. If a relationship is embedded with lies and deception it is likely that it can dissolve. If one partner discovers that his or her partner is having another intimacy relationship elsewhere, then their relationship is bound to hit the hard rocks. In situations whereby one partner in a relationship fails to disclose his or her marital status and with the passage of time the other partner discovers that she or he was not a virgin or was once married with a child, it is most likely the aggrieved partner will walk out of the relationship upon that discovery. For example in Cheaters, a reality TV program run on South African e-TV channel every week on Monday at 21.00hrs, illustrates how relationships fail as a result of cheating. According to Palen (2000), some relationships dissolve as a result of spouse abuse. It has been noted that in the United States and the world over, that domestic violence is on the rise thereby threatening stability of intimate relationships. Abused partners are most likely to walk out of relationships. Those who remain in the relationship might be too economically and socially dependant on the abuser. Domestic violence is mainly caused by conflicts in intimate relationships. These conflicts can arise due to partners blaming each other for failures rather than working on those failures together to achieve a meaningful end. Domestic violence can also arise from the naïve view that women are inferior to men hence they are the most subjected to spouse abuse. Feminists urge that these gender imbalances stem from the belief in patriarchy and sexism. Various legislation to control these abuses have been enacted, for example the domestic violence act of Zimbabwe, and the implementation of these laws need to be sped up and made effective so that they control the unnecessary evil of gender based violence. Loss of income due to retrenchments, disability, and ill health for example HIV and AIDS have led to failure of many intimate relationships. Researches have suggested that when people change their income brackets due to demotions, or when health of their spouses or partners deteriorate, the affected partner(s) undergo stress, depression and anxiety such that they at times fail to cope with the demands of the relationships and may move out of the relationships. However, harmony can be maintained in intimate relationships by employing various methods that fosters cohesion. Equity and fairness are cornerstones of many intimate relationships. Domestic and commercial duties should be distributed equitably in the relationships. Partners should avoid all forms of gender based biases in their roles so that they balance their relationship on equity and fairness. Men should accept their female counterparts as equal partners in the relationship and this can lead to a cohesive social intimate endeavor. For a relationship to be healthy, both partners should disclose personal information to one another (self disclosure) and both partners are entrusted to keep it as confidential as is possible. Relationships should be based on trust , thus if partners trust each other they are bound to share sensitive information about themselves and this can help them deal with their relationship problems in a positive and rewarding way . Communication and mutual understanding are also vital keys to every harmonious relationship whether homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual. Partners should openly communicate about their weakness, fears strengths, feelings and thoughts to each other. They should understand each other and have a common social bond. Partners should be committed to their relationship. They should be willing to resolve their conflicts together and make compromise on other issues. Baron and Byrne (2003) suggest that harmonious and long lasting relationships are based on true love or compassionate love and these are cornerstones to a healthy relationship. The cornerstone of “true love” is respect, commitment, perseverance (patience), just to mention a few and these cornerstones are keys to a healthy and long-lasting relationship as discussed above. Proximity should be maintained where-ever necessary. A change in geographical location of one partner has been seen to be affecting the sex life of sexual partners as put forward by Bernnecke and Amick (1975:323), service man in the army end up having problems in their sexual relationships as a result separation from their spouses: “the out of sight out of mind” notion. Hence there is need to maintain close contact between sexual partners whenever possible, just like now being done in other or some prisons where intimate partners are allowed to have time together for an hour or over night in a private cell, (Bernnecke and Amick, 1975:324). Cheating, deception and lying are very common in relationships. However, they are unharmonious hence they should be avoided and controlled in order to maintain a healthy intimate adventure. As well, happiness is a key to “every success” therefore; partners should always be presentable, cheering, accommodative and interactive. Marital and intimate relationships problems and conflicts can be so severe such that the partners can fail to cope up on their own and they may resort to counseling in order to solve them. Brennecke and Amick (1975:273) point out that they are various types of counseling of which marriage counseling is one of them. Partners in distress, emotional conflict, grief or other kinds of trouble can go for therapy so that the therapist helps them to find ways of solving their problems. In Zimbabwe the extended family in form of aunts and uncles can provide counseling and advice to the youth although it’s not very professional. Counseling is a profession to reckon with in today world which has very complex social problems. Counseling seems to be an effective approach since it is now widely used in trying to come up with solutions to various social problems. In a nutshell, one can agree that intimate relationships are formed as a result of the interaction of various factors which lead to interpersonal attraction. Intimate relationships can come in various forms (homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual…) and all this is preceded by various reasons as discussed in the essay. Sometimes these relationships dissolve due to various socio-economic reasons as articulated in the essay. Ways to deal with problems of intimate relations have been suggested and some are yet to be suggested as research in interpersonal attraction and human sexuality is still being done by social scientists. These intervention strategies help very much in maintaining harmony in intimate relationships as discussed in the essay. REFERENCES Baron, R. A. (1989) Psychology, 4th edition, Allyn and Bacon Company: London Baron, R. A. and Byrne, D. (2003), Social Psychology, Allyn and Bacon: London Brennecke, J.H. and Amick, R.G. (1975),The Struggle for Significance. 2nd Edition, Benzinger Bruce & Glencoe: California Fromm, E. (1956), The Art of Loving, Harper Colophon Books: New York. Palen, J. J. (2000), Social Problems for the twenty-first century, McGraw Hill: Boston. Secord, P.F. and Backman, C.W. (1964), Social Psychology, McGraw Hill: New York. Schaefer, R .T. (2005), Sociology.8th edition, MacGraw Hill: New York.