College_Essay

Are you tearing your hair out over your application essay' Trying to say something so original that no one else has said it, so poignant that admissions officers will weep, so witty and brilliantly argued that those gatekeepers to the Ivy League will unclip the velvet rope and usher you through to academic Nirvana' Could you use a little expert advice about promising topics' Would you like some guidance on narrative tone' A few tips on philosophical observations to insert for maximum intellectual effect' Bet you'd like to read some certified Grade-A application essays -- essays that got their authors into Harvard and Stanford. That would be a big help right about now, wouldn't it' Boy have you come to the wrong place. At last count, Amazon.com boasted over twenty books that promise to help you write the perfect college essay. Does the world need another one' We think not. What it does need is a collection of essays that are so arrogant, imbecilic and delusional that they can only be written by people who are – or were once – American teenagers. No misty memories of cooking with grandma here. No sobering tales of tutoring kids at the community center or building a cesspool in some Third World country. No heartfelt thanks to mom and dad or Mr. Slinky, the Physics teacher who saved you from a life of crime and set you on the right path. Let’s see the essays no guidance counselor would dream of letting you send to the Ivy League. We’re looking for a few good…that is, bad…that is, very, very funny application essays, and we want YOU to write them for us. Don’t hold back. Send us your weirdest, your wildest, your most deranged essays. We will choose the best – we mean, the worst…in other words, the funniest of the bunch and publish them, first on our website and eventually in an anthology, provisionally entitled THE FUNNIEST COLLEGE ESSAYS EVER. Come on, getting into college isn’t for the faint of heart. Haven’t you suffered enough' Would it kill you to lighten up' Sample Essay My path to college began in utero, when my mother, who recognized my potential early on, placed headphones on her growing abdomen and played the symphonies of Beethoven. As an infant, I showed a precocious proclivity in mathematics and language arts, and when most of my peers were sticking their fingers in paint I was already reciting certain of Shakespeare’s shorter speeches, with particular emphasis on The Scottish Play and the Dream. My musical talents were no less arresting. I stood out in Music Together class as the only child consistently on beat with my stamping and clapping, and later was told by the teacher of the class that I was uncommonly gifted, and hence eligible for advanced work in rhythmic dance.