Broken_Heart

Brian M. Malabanan Prof. Kirin Farquar ENG 098 April 26, 2009 Inside… I Am Dead It has been almost two and a half years since Monica and I broke up, but it feels as if it just happened yesterday. I can still hear her say over the phone that our relationship is over and I could not believe what I was hearing. Looking for an explanation as to why we were breaking up, I asked her what had gone wrong. With no clear answer, I was left broken and confused. I compare myself with Jimmy Santiago Baca, because we both were affected by women who broke our hearts, and I can identify with Jimmy’s longing to be loved and wanted. Jimmy’s broken heart changed him and he made decisions that eventually made him a better person today. Experiencing life with a broken heart is difficult. One can go crazy over the loss and there is an overall feeling of regret. When Monica and I broke up, I was a mess. People around me would try to make me feel better by giving me advice and reminding me that there were other girls to choose from. My friends would say “there is plenty of fish in the sea” and I would respond with “but what if she was the big fish'” What if this whole this thing is my fault' What if I did not do enough to make her happy' I kept asking myself questions, as if I could find closure in any potential answers. I would spend hours at the gym, running, and isolating myself from the world, thinking about it for months, and eventually for a year. Jimmy would sit on top of a mountain trying to reflect on what has happened to his life. The quiet mountain revitalizes him for a moment and gives him a peace of mind. “I was running to the foothills of the Sandias. The mountains would make me forget what happened. Sitting up there I could have some peace of mind and try to figure the situation out” (Baca 40). Like Jimmy, I would just sit there alone with a can of beer, tears rolling down my cheeks, and think only about what had happened between Monica and I. With the alcohol flowing in my body, I felt relaxed and felt peace in my mind, but only for a moment. When the alcohol was all gone, reality would kick in again and I realized I still had to face my problem. It took a lot of effort to get over Monica. I took all my friends advice and decided to try to get over all the pain that I had been caused. At times, I would be sitting and relaxing at a coffee shop and would ask a complete stranger for an advice about the situation. Ashamed, I would conceal the fact that I was the person that needed help and say that I have a friend who desperately needs guidance. I was so dedicated to get over my past that I took all of the advice I had receive and put it all together to do something about it. I began partying, meeting new people, drinking almost every weekend, and trying to have fun and erase the memories I had of Monica. Despite of all the partying, drinking, and meeting new girls, I still could not get over her. I felt that what I was doing was wrong and I felt I was being untrue to myself and betraying Monica. “Sometimes I’d be kissing a girl on the beach or on my futon in my room and suddenly stop because it didn’t feel right. I felt I was being untrue to Theresa” (Baca 49). Jimmy would start early on Friday so he could be done with his work right away and meet up with Marcos along the beach with a six pack. They would party, meet girls, and just have fun, but at the same time, Jimmy would think about being with Theresa instead of the girls they met at the beach. Only one thought would run through my mind: I do not want to loose her. “I was in love. I prayed to the stars every night that God would make things good between us again” (Baca 41). It was difficult for Jimmy especially during the rainy days. It made him miss Theresa so much and sometimes his mind would play tricks on him to go back thinking she would take him back. But he knew deep inside there is nothing to do. Like Jimmy, I wanted to do everything to be with her and I wanted her to love me again, but there was nothing that I could do because she was too far away. So I prayed to God and cried for His help. I prayed and wish for us to be together and hoped that everything would turn out fine. But it did not, I was still alone. Once I considered myself impervious to pain and felt dead inside. The praying and hoping for us to be together turned out to be wishing all my memories with her would all fade away. I would literally wish for God to make me forget her name because I thought if I did not have any recollection of her in my mind, the pain would go away. But it remained there, and it remains a lesson in my life. After one year, I finally got over Monica and started doing something positive in my life. I started performing really well at my job and I was promoted to a higher managerial position. Eager and thirsty for new experiences and knowledge, I went back to school to learn more and become a better man. I look back on this past experience as a lesson to be careful and to not make same mistakes. Sometimes it still makes me sad thinking about life without Monica, and I would be lying if I say I do not care for her anymore, but this time I will make sure that missing her will not affect me in a negative way again. I will treasure all the bitter and sweet memories with her and she will always be a part of my life. The famous country singer Ms. Dolly Parton once said: “In everybody’s life there is a certain someone; someone that we love more than everybody else. Sometimes we’re lucky to be with them, and sometimes we’re unlucky to be without them. But with or without them, we will always love them…” I still consider myself fortunate that I experience all of those with her. Like Jimmy, I grew from a bad break up. I dealt with the negative and moved on, and this all made me a better person and who I am today. Works Cited Baca, Jimmy Santiago. A Place to Stand: The making of a poet, New York: Grove Press Company, 2001