Bob_Hope_Qoutes

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. [ Funny Old Age Quotes] *** Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle. [ Funny Old Age Quotes] *** I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. [ Funny Old People Quotes] [ Funny Old Age Quotes] *** I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe. [ Funny Movie Quotes] *** I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. [ Funny Religion Quotes] *** I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money. [ Funny Money Quotes] *** If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. [ Funny Golf Quotes] *** Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series. [ Funny Marriage Quotes] [ Funny Divorce Quotes] [ Funny Zsa Zsa Gabor Quotes] *** When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. [ Funny Jack Benny Quotes] *** I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom. [ Funny Dance Quotes] [ Funny Family Quotes] *** A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. [ Funny Movie Quotes] *** I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. [ Funny Old People Quotes] [ Funny Old Age Quotes] *** I must say the Senator's victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else. [ Funny Political Quotes] *** I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. [ Funny Acting Quotes] *** If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. [ Funny Patriotic Quotes] *** Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. [ Funny Children Quotes] *** Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. *** My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. *** People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. [ Funny Kissing Quotes] *** She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. *** The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. [ Funny Jesus Quotes] *** The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. *** The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. *** When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. [ Funny Music Quotes] [ Funny Piano Quotes] A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope *** A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Movie ] *** I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Religion ] *** I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Old People ] [ Old Age ] *** I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance -waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Dance ] [ Family ] *** I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Acting ] *** I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Laughter ] *** I love to go to Washington, if only to be nearer my money. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Money ] *** I must say the Senator's victory in Wisconsin was a triumph for democracy. It proves that a millionaire has just as good a chance as anyone else. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Political ] *** I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Movie ] *** I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Old People ] [ Old Age ] *** If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Patriotic ] *** If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Charity ] [ Heart ] *** If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Golf ] *** Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Children ] *** Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. - Bob Hope *** Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Old Age ] *** My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one. - Bob Hope *** People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Kissing ] *** She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction. - Bob Hope *** The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Jesus ] *** The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup. - Bob Hope *** The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast. - Bob Hope *** When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Music ] [ Piano ] *** When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Jack Benny ] *** When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Past ] *** You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope More quotations on: [ Old Age ] *** Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series. - Bob Hope "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence' - George Carlin *** A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. - Andre Maurois *** A husband is always a sensible man; he never thinks of marrying. - Alexandre Dumas *** A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. - Helen Rowland *** A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married. By then it's too late. -- (The Joker is Wild, 1957) - Frank Sinatra *** A man's wife has more power over him than the state has. - Ralph Waldo Emerson *** A married couple are well suited when both partners usually feel the need for a quarrel at the same time. - Jean Rostand *** A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing. - Joey Adams *** A really good detective never gets married. - Raymond Chandler *** A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day. - Andre Maurois *** Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney *** An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know. - Bette Davis *** An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry *** Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community. - Brigham Young *** Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H. L. Mencken *** Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen *** Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. - Helen Rowland *** Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives. - George Burns *** Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. - Bette Davis *** By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates *** Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years. - Simone Signoret *** Cherie has many excellent qualities, but once she goes to sleep, it takes a minor nuclear explosion to wake her up. - Tony Blair *** Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness' It means you're in the wrong house. - George Burns *** Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper. - Scotts Proverb *** Everyone knows that a man can always marry even if he reaches 102, is penniless, and has all his faculties gone. There is always some woman willing to take a chance on him. - Amy Vanderbilt *** For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end. - Catherine Zeta-Jones *** Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Anonymous *** He was happily married - but his wife wasn't - Victor Borge *** I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor *** I didn't see a lot of good stuff come out of my parents' marriage, and I haven't seen a lot come out of a lot of marriages. - Jacqueline Bisset *** I don't know if it's good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto! (on the marriage of Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe) - Yogi Berra *** I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic. - Anonymous *** I have trouble saying hu ... hu ... husband. - Rosanna Arquette *** I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner *** I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. - Barbara Bush *** I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli *** I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I'm delighted when she gets to it. - Walter Matthau *** I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henny Youngman *** I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. - Woody Allen *** I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner *** I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - George Burns *** I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much. - Bob Monkhouse *** I'm a serial bigamist. - Russ Meyer *** I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! - Henny Youngman *** I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me. - Elayne Boosler *** If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path. - Marty Allen *** If ever two were one, then surely we. If ever man were loved by wife, then thee. - Anne Bradstreet *** If I get married, I want to be very married. - Audrey Hepburn *** If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice. - Estelle Getty *** If Marilyn is in love with my husband it proves she has good taste, for I am in love with him too. - Simone Signoret *** If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. - Johnny Carson *** If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police. - Robert Louis Stevenson *** In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. - Rita Rudner *** In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams *** In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen *** In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland *** Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. - Woody Allen *** It is now well known, however, that men enter local politics solely as a result of being unhappily married. - C. Northcote Parkinson *** It's not beauty but fine qualities, my girl, that keep a husband. - Euripides *** Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards. - Benjamin Franklin *** Lust is the sin that gets me excited. Luckily, because I'm married, I also get really good jewelry out of it. - Heather Locklear *** Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. - William Shakespeare *** Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus *** Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West *** Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest. - Bob Monkhous *** Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. - Joey Adams *** Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Irwin Corey *** Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. - Alan King *** Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash. - Dr. Joyce Brothers *** Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr *** Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of. - Kathy Lette *** Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen, and I was three. - Billie Holiday *** My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact. - Roseanne Barr *** My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. - Roseanne Barr *** My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes. - Anonymous *** My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. - Henny Youngman *** My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. - Henny Youngman *** My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. - Henny Youngman *** My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield *** My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. - Jack Benny *** Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to. - J. R. R. Tolkien *** Neither of us entered marriage thinking it wouldn't be a strain. Life has strains in it, and he's the person I want to strain with. - Patricia Arquette *** Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. - Helen Rowland *** Once you are married, there is nothing for you, not even suicide, but to be good. - Robert Louis Stevenson *** One man's folly is another man's wife. - Helen Rowland *** One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride. - Bernard Malamud *** Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money. - Bob Monkhouse *** Saw a wedding in the church. It was strange to see what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition, every man and wife gazing and smiling at them. - Samuel Pepys *** She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. - Henny Youngman *** The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Anne Bancroft *** The Equal Rights Amendment would "turn holy wedlock into holy deadlock." - William Rehnquist *** The only time some fellows are seen with their wives is after they're indicted. - Kin Hubbard *** The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead. - Anonymous *** The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him. - Cher *** There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. - Helen Rowland *** There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third'' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!' - William Cosmo Monkhouse *** There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded. - Diana Princess of Wales *** They weren't really weddings, just long costume parties. (on three of her weddings) - Peggy Lee *** Tomorrow, Trubshawe, I am going to get married again, thereby quite possibly making the greatest mistake of my life. - David Niven *** We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. - Henny Youngman *** When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry *** When my husband comes home, if the kids are still alive, I figure I've done my job. - Roseanne Barr *** When you get married you forget about kissing other women. - Pat Boone *** When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. - Billy Crystal *** Why can't women tell jokes' Because we marry them! - Kathy Lette *** Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable' - Carrie Snow *** With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me. - Rodney Dangerfield *** You can't really expect a 22-year-old girl to react the same way as a man 24 years older than her. (on her marriage to Rod Stewart) - Rachel Hunter *** You have no idea of the women I didn't marry. - Artie Shaw *** You're the only boy who ever made me cry, and I decided that if you could make me cry, I must really love you. (Accepting George Burns proposal of marriage) - Gracie Allen *** Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. - Milton Berle *** Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.