Belonging

Hungry, I am so hungry, but not for love, no, I do not care for it anymore, I just want to eat. Last nights meal was good, sufficient enough for now; I need to work more, enough for a meal per night. The labour is hard and intense, I was not made to do this alone, but I block out the pain and the end result is a rewarding meal… something to enjoy… something to look forward to, something to keep me alive for another day. As I am finding a place to sleep for the night I discover one of the very few dry spots. It is underneath the balcony of a hotel room. As I rest my head on the cold soil the thoughts come back. Eating away at me, I am missing something, I am not whole. I slowly succumb to sleep, even with the sly wind finding a way to infiltrate under my heavy old coat; I feel its icy kiss and miss the warmth of home, and mother. I am awoken by a crunching sound; I am still but alert. I hear more sounds all around, and they are getting louder. I feel my heart begin to quicken ‘Yeah mate just going to walk down the shops’. A man strolls straight past me, I know I should not be here I am not welcome here. After feeling invisible for so long you begin to think others cannot even see you. He looks back, eyes widen as he sees me he looks at me with both anger and fear. ‘What do you think you are doing here, move along before I call the police!’. I get myself back together and begin to walk along, I need to find another place to call home for the night. As I walk through the long dark city streets I search up and down in the hope of finding another dry patch to rest, I hate this feeling of isolation, if only I were not alone, I survive better with company. I grip the knife in my pocket, I don’t like violence but my survival instincts have taken over. When you are forced to stand alone, you realise what a cruel place the world can be to the vunurable, surviving is not easy… we are all enemies out here, out in the dark… we have to be. I arrive near a bakery, the distinct smell reminds me of something, I have been here before.. but when' I then realise it is similar to the smell that would come out of mothers kitchen every Sunday whilst she spent her day baking treats for father and I. This smell alone is enough to drive me crazy, how I long for another night of being in her arms. The things I would do for her companionship once again. I find myself walking into the direction of my home… my old home. The rain is starting to ease off, it has left me drenched tired and shivering. A man walks past and greets me he makes a comment about the weather, stunned that another human has not only acknowledged my existence, but they have spoke to I get my words tangled up I can barely let out a sound. He smiles and continues on with his journey, yet again I have been walked away from, cold, in pain. Alone, my only hope to have a friend is gone once more. I have lost my sense of time, but the rain has subsided completely, the ground left emitting steam. I am finding breathing to be a chore, my energy has been exhausted. I can see the house in the distance, the lights are still on. As I arrive closer I can see the smoke blazing out of the chimney. Mother and fathers laughter… I feel myself smile too. I then close my eyes and open them slowly, I imagine myself once more being on that side of the door, in the warmth. Everything is a blur. I close my eyes once more, I find it difficult to reopen them. I am helpless. Cold and helpless. I move closer towards the house, and stand behind the oak tree, I look through the window I can now see father clearly. I feel a warm inviting sensation rush through my body. All pain is eliminated. I contemplate giving in to the sense of security provided just by being in the garden, the warmth of being near mother and father and getting the courage to knock on the door, maybe they will want me back, maybe they miss me. My nerves get the better of me, I begin to walk into the opposite direction. I come to the conclusion that I am forever going to be alone. I shall find familiarity in myself, I will never truly belong. If only I realised this sooner, I would not be here tonight. I walk towards the bottle shop and scrape together the little money I have. I walk inside, the old man smiles at me ‘Ah John haven’t seen you in a while.. just the usual’ I nod and hand him over the money. I take a seat outside I surrender to the inviting warmth into the nothingness.. I open the lid and take a glug… I realise I am back to where I started. However I am familiar with this feeling, I smile once again.