Acceptance_of_Reality

Excuse me sir, but now I’m the boss!! Huddled in the midst of almost a hundred faces, mirroring my emotions, arms clad in sweat, struggling to force a half smile at someone who just valiantly cracked a half-baked joke to moderate the atmosphere (but actually feeling like strangling him), looking expectantly at the closed doors only half wanting it to open, I feel like a miserable bundle of nerves, ready to explode at any second!                                                If only I could ensconce myself in some secluded corner so as to camouflage my pale face and cold feet, so evident by the broad daylight. I try my best to wear my “I don’t give a damn look”, but alas my trepidation gives way. Whom am I kidding'' All I want was the woman behind those doors who exhibited her formal attire not only in her clothes but also in her ways(why should they carry around such an heir, revelling in every moment while playing squash with our destinies!!), to walk out those doors and utter my name. I want it and yet did not want it to happen, at the same time. All sense of hunger, thirst and time slip into ether!! Every time she comes out and reads a different name, “your through”, she says, I struggle to muster a “way to go man” to my neighbour, yet swear beneath my breadth!! At that time I decide to shut my eyes and take a brave stride in facing what my mind was trying to tell me, which I was  putting up a brave effort to keep at bay so far. It was muttering to me my deepest fears entwined with my glorious dreams, clouding and relieving me like thunder and sunshine all at once. Enchanting castles and hopeless chimeras were battling alongside. I adopt a defeatist attitude and surrender to it. Suddenly I hear my parents, screaming with elation into the phone, “that’s my girl”, they say, pride and contention emitting from every word they utter, their faces glowing with satisfaction, which I can undoubtedly visualize in spite of them not being there with me in person. My sister is already up an about informing every living soul she knows. My friends don’t say anything; they just drag me to the most expensive restraunt that pops into their head, satiating their roaring stomachs, thanks to my extra heavy pocket. They pat me on my back; I’m all the more accepted now. As to some other people, my heart thumps with vicious victory, but yet I give them the most modest smile I have ever come up with and put up my most demure behaviour while thinking all the while, “I beat you bitch”!! Suddenly I hear someone saying my best friend’s name, I jump up with a start, everyone is applauding, I watch her walk down to me, “I got the job” she reinstates (as if I had not heard it the first time) expecting a tight hug and word of appreciation, but I’m too caught up in my own thoughts to react to her. She sits by me understandingly, a bit put off though. She holds my hand and tells me to take it light. “Two more to go girl”, she says. I know her intentions are genuine, but I can’t stop myself, and slowly my mind slips to the flip side. “Learn from your mistakes baby, you will do better next time”, my parents say, at their best effort to mollify me, guilt eats me up all the while, it feels like slow poison. “You’re made for better stuff, this company doesn’t deserve you”, my sister croons, though she doesn’t realise that I noticed the indignation swelling within her at my rejection. My friends try their best to cheer me up. I give in, accompanying them to the party, overeating to do away with my depression. I put up a happy facade but am only glad when I get to slip out of the celebration, relieved that nobody noticed my wet eyes. I cry myself to sleep only to wake up puffy eyed and windswept the next day. My friend gives me a little shake, and I jerk back to reality. She looks at me worriedly. She can make out that I am pretty out of sorts with myself. But then suddenly, I don’t know from where, I feel a wave of relaxation wash over me. It was like as if someone knocked me out with a club. It was a pang of realization. I guess my moments of introspection paid off. No they did not call my name out. This was something different. My brain took full control over my mind. It flicked my mind away and claimed the reigns. I starkly realize that all through this time (which felt like hours or days, though it was only some fleeting seconds), I was thinking about how another person would react to my fate. Their comments, perceptions and judgements formed the basis of my buried fears. My stress, fear even nausea was a combined reaction of another’s perception about me. Not once in those quite moments did my mind contemplate as to what my reaction would be to whatever was going to happen. It did not once cross my mind as to whether the judgement pronounced my the closely huddled group inside, would affect me, my thoughts , my perceptions, my goals and my confidence. Considering the pictures that had previously been played in my mind, I realize that it had nothing to do with me. I come to think of the fact that that whatever be the outcome, it would affect me only if it by any way altered my interests, my thoughts and my beliefs. It would have an impact on me only if it changed my own perception about myself, whether it is for the better or for the worse. No external force has the nerve to change my belief about myself because here it is my empire. I make the rules and I abide by them or don’t. When, such is the case, I know that I can become whatever I believe I can become, then why does a third person’s judgement influence me' Slowly it dawns upon that all this stress, nervousness, contempt and depression was ultimately futile because it was the result of a fear of the alteration in another’s belief. As long as it has no impact whatsoever on me, it’s a win-win situation. I feel a chill swivel up spine. It is over. I do not bother as to what the decision will be. I turn around, look at my friend and give her a genuine and appreciating hug